The Romanticism Of Life

2011-01-25T21:57:00.001+08:00

Irreparable Damage

I wish i could just rip theses stiches out and bleed to death slowly.

it certainly feels like it.

Ki//joy

2011-01-16T15:39:00.002+08:00

May 4th 2009

That the last post i made here.

I just woke up and decided to visit, to see the past. Why I don't know. Maybe it's to remember, to remind myself of what i have done or rather what i never did enough of.

A lot of time has passed. I would think it's a mixture of time moving too fast and also moving too slow at the same time.

Truth is i believe I'm at the happiest moment of my life. It's hard to imagine that this was possible but it is and for that I am thankful.

But..

I'm also at the scariest moment because when things are this real, this concrete the future is what matters. I wish i was like those people who had plans for the future they had ideas and knew how to get there. It's hard being that because nothing is predictable.

I'm going to leave it at this as time is not on my side but soon there will be more.

I would think it's about damn time don't you?

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-05-04T18:07:00.000+08:00

I'm using up my Third Strike.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-04-06T06:09:00.002+08:00

My Words

Somehow somewhere along the line I lost the urge to use my words the way I always do. I can't speak them and more importantly I can't write them down. Whether it is here in my blog or in the work I have yet to start on (all 7 of them) which have been due last week.

The inspiration has always been there but whenever I hold a pen or sit here with my fingers touching the keys I can't seem to start and not stop until I'm done. Even now I'm having so much difficulty writing a whole sentence. That's also the reason why I deleted my last post. The truth is there wasn't one. I just couldn't do it.

I don't know what happened. They just stopped flowing through my head.

Right now I'm doing this to try and re-inspire myself to go for as long as I can and keep typing the words till they start flowing again but with every finished sentence I have to sit and think hard about what to write next.

I guess I just can't do it anymore.

The words just don't mean anything to me anymore. Even words that aren't personal.

I always find a way to fix anything "broken", in me or in someone else. There was always a solution, another perspective not previously thought of that I caught on and build upon but this time I just don't see it. I just don't know what is the solution to this. If I don't find one soon I'll probably flunk out of college and end up with nothing again. I know what you're thinking, writer's block. This isn't writer's block.

This is something else entirely.

I guess it has something to do with how the general perception of who I am seemed to escalate rapidly and whenever I try to defend or "repair" it just gets shrugged aside. Since then I just stopped caring about what I was to anyone anymore. I still remember who I am though. As hard as it is to just be myself sometimes I realized that no matter what I turn into I will always know what I won't give up. Even if it's reduced to just an inch of my being.

A good heart is what I have she said.

What use is a good heart if it can't feel anything.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-03-27T01:52:00.007+08:00

One track
Got you on your back
Your skin speaks up but you lips couldn't say it
Right now I know somehow
We could take the chance and we could make it make it
Right here make it all disappear
Everything that we've been missing missing
You make me feel
Like there's a part of me
That I want to get back again

;)

This is the last post for a while.

I typed a whole bunch of shit but it doesn't matter anyways.

So yeah, fuck that.

Ki//joy

2009-03-26T19:05:00.002+08:00

I'll post the last post soon.

10th August 2009 Fort Canning Singapore

Nine Inch Nails

This is one show I won't miss for anything in the world.

After all it could very well be the last one after Trent Reznor announced they are going on "hiatus"

We all know what that means.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-03-14T18:09:00.003+08:00

Really lazy to blog.

Wanted to make a topic about honesty to somewhat purge this "thing" I've been lugging around pun malas.

Enjoy these songs instead.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-03-07T15:00:00.002+08:00

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You know, I don't mean anything bad by saying this but I just got to say it. If it were you in my position I would stand up for you because you're my best friend and not lie to you so you won't sakit hati but I understand the position you're in. It's just disappointing it's come to this"

"Dood, I said that last night to jaga your hati. Would it make any difference if I told you the truth and said I went to hang out with him but you weren't invited because he didn't want you there. Don't say I didn't stood up for you because I did, you pun tau his perangai. This is what I don't like being in the middle of everything because eventually I'm the one who gets blamed. It's not easy for me to jaga everyone's hati. You know he doesn't like you, what am I supposed to do lagi?" - Brian

"Haha, I'm not blaming you or anything. I memang tau he doesn't like me for whatever reason I don't know. I'm not telling you this because I want you to be in the middle. Since he got back I had this weird feeling like he wanted me out of the group and now he found his excuse to do it. I'm telling you this because I knew this day would come. Ryan will definitely be on his side because it has been a long time since he was capable of being on mine. Do the same so you still get to hang out with them. I know I won't be able to anymore with him around"

"I'm not on anybody's side coz you're my best friend but I don't want my friends to gaduh or hate each other. It's just not me to pick sides" - Brian

"Thanks dood, really appreciate that"

"I want my close friends to hang out together but he doesn't seem to get it. Too much pride I guess. I'm really sorry if I offended you, really didn't mean it in that way" - Brian

"The thing is kan that's exactly what I'm thinkin. I don't know why he has to do this. I mean if I was okay with him the other day why can't he? You never offended me bah. Takkanlah coz of such a small thing pun sa mau marah kan? Plus, I knew you were gonna lie before you even said a word. I just wanted to see how funny it was gonna be hahahaha"

"Babi kau ahaha. Anyways tonight pi tengo moofie. This time betul2 sama my chick" - Brian

"Bah2 enjoy urself"

"Palui, sa suru ko join lah" - Brian

"Oh hahahaha. Budu o kan. Bah2 ten four sargeant!"

"Bah see you later. Roger and out corporal" - Brian

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All I got was my best friends.

I know I lost one of them along the way when things were bad last year.

That left me with just one. Just one person I could really trust.

But even I know that eventually everyone leaves.

Good to know there will always be just one :)

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-03-04T18:31:00.005+08:00

Where Is Everybody?

did you happen to catch
or did it happen so fast
what you thought would always last
has passed you by
is everything speeding up
or am i slowing down
just spinning around
and i don't know why
all the pieces don't fit
thought i didn't give a shit
i never wanted to be like you
but for all i aspire
i am really a liar
and i'm running out of things i can do

i'd like to stay
but every day
everything pushes me further away
if you could show
help me to know
how it's supposed to be
where did it go?

pleading and
needing and
bleeding and
breeding and
feeding
exceeding
where is everybody?
trying and
lying
defying
denying
crying and
dying
where is everybody?

well okay, enough,
you've had your fun
but come on there has to be someone
that hasn't yet become
so numb
and succumb
and
god damn i am so tired of pretending
of wishing i was ending
when all i'm really doing is trying to hide
and keep it inside
and fill it with lies
open my eyes?
maybe i wish i could try

pleading and
needing and
bleeding and
breeding and
feeding
exceeding
where is everybody?
trying and
lying
defying
denying
crying and
dying
where is everybody?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Would you believe that there is no black and white anymore?

Everyone is just fighting grey battles to determine which shade they are on.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-03-02T22:59:00.002+08:00

Thank You

When you make me your joke and let off some steam on me when you're drunk,

I keep my mouth shut.

When I joke around with you a little,

I get an elbow to the face.

So thank you.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-03-01T11:34:00.002+08:00

There are only two ways to make my brain shut down.

One would be if something happens that I don't understand.

Second is when knowingly I choose to make a decision I myself don't fully understand.

I did the second a few days ago and my brain shut down completely.

Even music doesn't help.

So if you (you know who you are) are wondering why it's been weird?

I can't stop having this familiar feeling about measuring up.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-02-25T06:05:00.003+08:00

I think I know why I couldn't write before. I was in too good a mood to write about anything.

This year did start off really great and there were a shitload of stories to write about but every time I sat down I just didn't feel the need to blog about it at all. This blog certainly felt like a waste of time.

Past couple of weeks though there seemed to be bits and pieces of annoyances that didn't really bother me at first but eventually did.

So let me start by explaining what my last post meant.

I have two separate email accounts. One is for public usage that I use for everyday stuff (hotmail) and the other is mainly used for private important mails that I need to receive (yahoo). So two weeks ago one of my lecturer who is such a lazy woman decides to email us the assignment because she finds printing out the stuff for us would hurt her pocket which in reality doesn't make much sense to me as when we pay for these school notes and exam fees we should get what we deserve not for them to burn it on a damn disc or email it to us to print out ourselves. Anyways I opened up the second email account and there was six months worth of emails cluttering up my inbox. So I went through all of them patiently to filter out the crap and the ones I wanted to keep. To my surprise there was an email from TF dated August 28th 2008 with only one word (Goodbye) in it. I didn't really think too much about it and continued filtering out my inbox when another email from her dated November 25th 2008 popped up. In it she was just asking how I was and what has been going on in my life so far. Truth is I kinda froze as I didn't really know if I should reply that email or just ignore it. Eventually I decided to just reply it because I know she won't as she isn't really into the whole "online" thing. Few days later, a number I didn't recognize texted me with just a simple message of goodwill.

Of course it could only be her. How could I be so sure?

See everyone has their own specific way of talking or writing and even texting. Her way has become so familiar to me that I didn't even doubt for a second. Even the words she used was so obvious as no one I know uses them the way she does. This time I didn't freeze.

I just simply wondered why.

See, couple of years ago when we did the mutual break up thing we really wanted to stay as best friends so we could always look out for each other. In a way I really wanted it too not because of the feelings I had for her but because until this very day I haven't found a better friend than when I did with her. It was just so easy for us to click. I do miss the conversations we used to have from time to time but things just didn't turn out the way we wanted to.

Firstly her then fiance (now husband) didn't know that we dated so because of the frequent calls we had actually invited me to hang out with them. At first she was pretty excited that he was so comfortable with it but when I explained to her that Him, Her, and I sitting on the same table probably wasn't a very good idea considering the circumstances he wasn't aware of. She didn't believe it at first and told him (even when I told her not to) and his reaction was predictable to say the least. He forbade her to contact me and even told her to change her phone number. Of course she felt terrible that we could not remain friends and eventually we stopped contacting each other.

The reason I wondered why is because I knew she emailed and texted me with a different number because she knew he would not check up on her that way. The problem is she would be able to contact me but even if I replied she would not be able to continue it because of how paranoid he gets. It is nice to know though that I'm still remembered by someone that hasn't been in my life for so long.

"Always be happy, always be healthy"

That was what we always used to say to each other and that was what she texted me the other day. I simply replied that I wasn't particularly close to either but I'm slowly finding my way back there.

So what else has been bothering me?

Well, I kinda really got pissed off yesterday morning when I kept getting badgered with phone calls requesting my presence at the debate training.

Yeah I know. Me? Debate? Fuck no.

The only reason why I got dragged in to do this a third time is because I went for the last two years and the outgoing director of the college wanted to leave me with a present so I can get annoyed by it. I'm really gonna miss that guy. One of the few lecturers who I could really talk crap with.

I was really fucking annoyed because I've been really ill these past few days. I mean if I miss a session or two doesn't mean they can't go on with it by themselves right? Wrong. They are all idiots who can't seem to handle their own shit. Is it really that hard to just tell someone to go fuck themselves and if they are not satisfied just clock the guy in his face. I'll bet that would shut him the fuck up. Stop being such fucking pussies.

You guys are men, act like you got a pair.

Truthfully I really don't want to do this whole debate thing. I enjoyed the first one because Amei was there and she was fucking awesome. I didn't like last year because I was going through a lot of shit. I didn't want to do it this year because of the great mood I was in. Thanks for fucking that up you fucking fuckjobs. I meant what I said when I'm gonna curse the roof off the UMS debate halls when it's our turn to argue. Fuck the system. I want my good mood back.

If there is one thing I'm happy about is I found my fucking vulgar words back. Siaplah kamu.

A few weeks ago I went to attend the Ms. Oriental thing because the OMG was a contestant. Some sort of stupid advice I picked up by a friend that I should be there to cheer her on or some shit like that. It's like when I was in a cheery mood I pick up on stupid advice really late.

Eh, she'll probably win the whole thing anyways.

Actually I don't mind going. It's just that the last round that I attended kind of pissed me off for some reasons. Firstly, I told a friend to go there early to get a good place to chill because I was going to be running late. The genius decided to wait until I got there and the whole place was filled with fucking old perverts looking to take home a few photos to jerk off to. When we finally found a spot and I was starting to have a good time a friend started to call me a gazillion times to check up on his girlfriend. I was really trying to be patient with him but when he started asking me stupid paranoid questions which I found to be really inappropriate, it really pissed me off.

I mean come on, you really need to ask me WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS WEARING? Some people can just be really fucking retarded. I listened to his problems and told him directly that he wanted to go for a girl that liked to go out and have a good time with friends regardless of the location. I even told him that he should go with her sometimes because I knew she would really like that but being the super nerd that he is, he doesn't.

Let's just say I settled that by letting her in on a tiny bit on information about his paranoia leading him to look for his ex again. I'm pretty sure she was glad to find that out.

So since he was ruining my night with the constant calls, when I finally got back to my table the alcohol actually managed to run out. So let's recap how that happened:

I told RBC to bring a date since he just broke up and the girl who was interested in him for the longest time wanted to go out. So I hooked him up. He and his date replied my good faith by being very generous in alcohol consumption. I swear the dood really is fucked in the head or something as when she left he chose to stay with us.

A friend was there but didn't have anyone to hang with so I invited him to our table. While I was away he actually managed to find his friends and they helped themselves to the free booze. I really wouldn't have mind if they were the least bit friendly and left something for me.

So there I was, pissed off and sober as hell. I wasn't even a little high. CHEEBYE.

There is more I could write about but this post has been bloody long already and it's 7 in the fucking morning.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-02-18T08:00:00.001+08:00

Feeling that Perfect, Beautiful, Nothing

I know exactly who you are even if I act like I don't.

You have no idea how you scare the shit out of me.

Question is why now?

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-02-17T19:35:00.005+08:00

Another stupid ass analogy that I made up out of thin air..

"Men are like the moon and women are like the sun"

See the moon is flawed with craters and at times beautiful to look at. At times you see the whole thing and other times you only see half of what's really there but still it's always approachable. You don't know why you're attracted to it but that's part of the appeal, something so simple yet ominous.

The sun is big, bright and beautiful. We can't survive without it because nothing would grow if there was no sun. You can try to approach it but just when you think you have figured it out by getting closer eventually you burn up and die and that is the myth knows as "women are complicated". What men don't get is that we're not meant to find out the big secret or unlock that door but just to preserve it as it is and work around it. After all, what fun is there when you figure them out completely?

True love is like an eclipse. When it happens it's so beautiful as for a moment an entity of absolute power and an entity of mysterious tranquility come together as one creating something that can't be seen with the naked eye. A perfect fit. With each relation ship you find out whether you're working towards that perfect fit or away from it but when you know it is you hang on to it for dear life.

When it comes and it goes, that's tragedy for you.

Oh yeah and I can't remember if I wrote on here about the bet I had with RBC.

In a nut shell the both of us made a bet early last year which revolved around money vs skill when it came to girls. We made a deadline of a month where we would have to pick a girl from the college and only use skill to get her with no monetary influence involved. He picked the easiest one and I chose the hardest (more fun if it's challenging). In the end we both gave up coz mine was nuts and he couldn't get his without using a little monetary influence.

Well a few days ago he called me up in the middle of the night to inform me of the "good" news with him having a threesome. Naturally I gave him the standard male ego boosting congratulatory speech and didn't think too much about it. Right after the call I bumped into the friend he was hanging out with earlier that night and that mutual friend filled me in on the details. The very next day I found him telling all our friends about his experience. Weird thing was how his story kept changing from one person to the other. Even the story I heard was a different version.

See, I don't mind when people talk crap with me. I talk crap all the time, ask anyone. There is a time and place (and person) to talk bullshit to and apparently RBC doesn't get that concept. I don't really give a fuck who you fuck and the things you do but I'll listen anyways because you're my friend but when you try so hard to convince me with absolute bullshit it gets really annoying especially when I consider you to be a good friend.

A few months back someone commented that the name Ki//joy was pretty weird as usually my comments are the opposite. Here's part of the reason why:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Your ex's brother introduced you to them?"

"Haha yeah. His cousin and friend I think. I totally understand what you felt. " - RBC

"How I felt?"

"Ya lah. It was fun and tiring and even awkward" - RBC

"Why pula awkward?"

"At one point I didn't really know what to do as they were more into themselves" - RBC

"So let's get this straight. Your ex's brother who didn't like you dating his little sister so he told her a lot of crap about you behind your back introduced you to his cousin and her friend who you were so generous with and eventually brought you back to their hotel room only to be more interested in themselves while having a threesome eventually proving to him that he was right all along about you?"

*Silence*

"Kudos for thinking with your cock instead of your head. Oh and I win"

"Win?" - RBC

"Remember our bet? I didn't spend a single cent when I had my threesome. So say it"

"Okay fine, you win" - RBC

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's why I'm Ki//joy

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-02-16T19:22:00.002+08:00

I'm having such an emo day.

First for the year.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You know I'm kinda grateful that my parents gave up halfway raising me through my teens"

"Kenapa pula?" - Brian

"Raising myself didn't make me a hypocritical racist. Being subjective has it's perks. The only downside is not being able to feel like I belong with anyone or anywhere"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-02-15T21:38:00.002+08:00

So how did I spend my Valentine's Day?

Eh, it was okay I guess. Thought of hanging out with a different crowd for a change but that didn't happen so ended up doing "lamp post duty" for the night.

Saddest part was when Brian, his chick, and me went for dinner and the place we went to had nothing but the Valentine's Day set meal so I ended up eating it alone.

-_-

Later on that night we went out and met up with some friends at Elusion and if you want my review of the place I'd say I would only go there if it was the last resort. I mean the wine menu was okay but the cocktail menu was like so little. By little I mean 5. Funniest part was the typo errors on the menu so we kept bothering the waiters by asking them what kind of drink Turbodog is. We knew it was Tuborg but still it was pretty hilarious to ask and joke about it.

After that we went to BarSu and the atmosphere was good. What sucks though was when we ordered a drink it took them 20 minutes to tell us they ran out of the mixture. We were undecided so then we asked for the menu. Took them an hour to get back and tell us the menu was missing. Finally I got pissed off and went to the bar and asked them if there was no menu what cocktails do they have. Instead of indulging my question they just pointed at the display wall. I mean wow just wow. I was so annoyed I left.

Ryan hates my music recommendations especially when it comes to house. Funny how he had no problem enjoying it last night. Dumbass.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-02-14T04:51:00.008+08:00

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on, tell me!

Something I Can Never Have

Past 2 weeks I haven't been online or updating my blog because I was busy getting settled in the new place. I wouldn't say I love this place but it grew on me pretty quickly because of how isolated it is.

So what has happened? Well everything and nothing.

But first I have to write about this weirdly continuous dream (yes, continuous not reoccurring). before I forget about it. It involves TF and the first one was about us meeting up and hanging out but it only lasted till around noon. The one I had yesterday picked up exactly where the first one ended and we continued hanging out as friends doing a lot of fun stuff. It got weirder as I suddenly asked "Are you happier?". She said yes and I woke up literally blurting out "What the fuck was that about?"

...strange. I guess I only dream when I'm sick.

Even though I have been enjoying myself immensely these past few weeks there were a few setbacks. The first would be the debt that has been hovering over my head for weeks now. Thankfully I settled it completely and being debt free feels gooooooooood.

Then there was the news about a friend who passed away. I didn't knew him too well and we lost contact over the years. He was always a quiet man with little friends but always very polite. I remember him having this really funny laugh. Somewhere along the line he got mixed up with the wrong crowd because they acted like they really wanted to be his friends. In the end all they did was turn him into an alcoholic joke for them to laugh at every now and then and I haven't heard anything about him until now. Before the accident, friends described him as a very angry man who was always drunk and picking fights with random strangers. I got a call and found out that one night he was so drunk that he fell off a bus into a ditch, had multiple breaks and was paralyzed. He held on for 2 weeks in the hospital but eventually died of pneumonia. Considering how ludicrous the falling off a bus story sounds, someone else suggested that he may have been roughed up and left in the ditch to die.

Now I'm not much of a mourner. I mean even when my grandma passed away I didn't feel sad at all. At the time I felt kinda guilty coz my Mom was like bawling her eyes out and I was there emotionless.

This one..... made me really sad. Just like that a good man died and no one noticed. The world just kept spinning. As far as I'm concerned, those that made him what he was were the ones that killed him. I doubt they even care.

I wasn't really up to it but I went to a friend's birthday thing yesterday night. I knew I was going to be bored as I don't know her that well and I don't know any of her friends but I went anyways. Glad she had fun. I just wasn't enjoying myself as much because of the stuff that happened and because I was sick.

I hate being the one who sees things others don't, especially when it comes to family. Enough about that lah. It was pretty amusing though when I was debating parenting issues with my parents.

Oh yeah, Happy Valentine's Day

Added a song by Lovers Electric and no the song does not mean anything personal. Funny how I can help others to get dates when I probably have to be the tiang lampu for not one but 2 couples tonight. I tried to get out of it but... ehh at least I won't be alone lah.

RBC asked me last night why I couldn't get a date on Valentine's when it was so easy for me to get him one. The answer is the same excuse I told Ryan's chick when she did something I really wish she didn't last week at D'Junction and to anyone who asks.

I rather be the guy who never knew instead of the guy who lost. I'm always in it to win and I never win what's important. Talk about having a convenient truth as an excuse.

Time to slip on these headphones and listen to a few new albums.

At least the music always stays honest.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-02-13T05:27:00.002+08:00

Finally after 2 fucking weeks I gots mah internets.

Nantilah blog, wanna enjoy being online for as long as possible.

Okay, maybe just a little.

I was wondering if I was happy because of someone or if I was happy because I could be.

I'm glad I found that answer out.

I love this fucking year.

The fun never stops.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-02-01T08:14:00.005+08:00

Home

I'm moving again. Today will probably be the last day I will be online for a while until I get settled in the new place. So with that thought I decided to write about the many places I've called home.

Obviously the first place to start would be the home I grew up in. I was privileged enough to grow up in a comfortable home. Nothing special about it. A simple two storey house with a huge garden. Now the garden wasn't much but I enjoyed walking around from time to time. It's big enough that you can actually get a considerable amount of exercise from jogging around it. There used to be tall coconut trees from corner to corner and flower beds littered around. At one corner there is a swing set and a basketball court right where the driveway ends. My neighbours are family members (my dad's brothers to be exact) but they don't exactly get along very well so we were never very close with them. I still remember a time where my cousins would come over and we would have a great time playing sports or just messing about in the garden. Even during my SPM exams I would be studying for an hour only to go downstairs and play basketball for two. Basketball was always my brother's thing but it didn't stop me for trying even though I got my ass handed to me more often than not. There was this one time where I was so enthusiastic about beating him that when the ball went out of play, I dived into the garden to try and save it. I was lying on my back in the grass when my brother rushed over and ran away yelling for my parents. I was wondering why when I noticed a chunk of flesh was missing on my right knee. Apparently I landed on a brick. Of course I thought I was gonna die because the blood was gushing out (yeah, seriously) and because I was a kid. That was where I got my weak knee.

Happy times indeed.

Over time things changed. As we grew up the swing set is hardly used anymore and my brother stopped playing basketball because of an injury he picked up. The coconut trees got cut down as they were interfering with power lines. The weirdest part about this is only one tree was the problem but my parents decided to remove every tree. Flower beds weren't tended to and most of them died. Today there are only a few spurts of flowers which are barely alive nor dead and now the house just looks like it's in the middle of a small field.

When I moved out here for college I was staying over at my brother's for a while. It was really fun and I thought I could stay there forever but I got kicked out because he needed his own space. Truth is I got kicked out because his housemates didn't like me. So much for brotherly love. So I moved into a new place which didn't last past 6 months. I had to move again and this time I stayed there for 2 years.

I didn't stay that long because I liked it but more because it was convenient. It was a small apartment at Raya Court and I had this weird housemate, David. I still run into him from time to time but if I had to make a wild guess I would say he's probably turned gay or at least bisexual. The last time I sat down to have a drink with him he said and I quote "You really handsome ah now" and told Ryan he was good looking multiple times. I have no idea how the fuck I missed that one. He seemed pretty normal when I was living there. Anyways, I often would walk to a location two hours away just to play football. One time, a friend accidentally kicked me so hard that my right hamstring got so swollen I could barely walk. He didn't even bothered to offer me a ride home and so there I was limping all the way home. Let's just say I didn't go back. The area around had a reputation for being notorious with burglaries and whatnot's but that never stopped me from walking around in the middle of night just to grab a bite to eat or watch football at the restaurant. After two years I eventually moved out and went back to Labuan to work.

3 years ago I came back here and moved in with a friend of mine here in Beverly Hills. I lived in this tiny room with no windows. Well actually it was a store room but I converted it into a room because I didn't have much stuff then. Man that place had so much memories. Some of them include;

The World Cup

Me, Brian and our girlfriends going through tequila only for the four of us to end up in the cinema watching The Host drunk as fuck.

My younger cousin losing his virginity.

Watching a drunk couple fuck in their car right outside our window.

My ex and I cleaning up the place only for me to end up on the couch watching a match and her on top of me sleeping soundly.

Climbing up to the bedroom window of my ex to get lucky and still get back in time to watch that famous Manchester United versus Roma match.

Watching a lesbian couple fight only for one of them to try and kill herself in the most pathetic way possible.

Waking up in the middle of the night with a ghost on me.

Watching TV at two in the morning for the clock to suddenly start working for an hour even though that clock never works.

There are so much more memories but after a year I had to move out as my housemates were all moving on. The best part was when they neglected to tell me until there was only two weeks left so I took refuge at the first place I found. It was a new block and I hated that place from the day I moved in. It wasn't helping that I was going through a lot of stuff with the TF incident that the place had to be as equally depressing. During my college breaks I would stay at Brian's place as I didn't want to go back to Labuan. After a few months he got a new job here at Beverly and I told him instead of worrying over transportation he should just move in with me.

A couple of months after that we met a new friend (sister of my then housemate) and we got close. We went out every night and in the day when I wasn't busy I would be helping her out with her work. One day we made a mutual decision to find a new place and that is how I ended up in this place. At first we were just excited that we were going to have a place all to ourselves. Soon after an empty house would have furniture. I remember the first time the couch came I slept on it that very night. My friend would cook for us and we hung out like a family. It felt nice.

The expression all good things come to an end could never be truer in this situation. My housemate got into trouble but we were always there to bail her out. After helping her with so much she turned on us. Suddenly this place didn't feel like it was ours anymore. Soon the house became empty again as everything was sold off and she disappeared and we were left with all the debts. Luckily we were able to pull through and clear everything up. We never heard from her again for a couple of months when she decided to pay us a visit. She wanted us to bail her out again but this time we didn't. We understood that she was very generous and kind to us before but the fact of the matter is when the time came she abandoned us. Our kindness was misplaced and the feeling of being used and betrayed like that never went away. That was the last time we heard from her.

It's funny how a little perspective can open your eyes to things you never noticed before.

I was reminiscing yesterday when I noticed how an empty house echoes. It doesn't when there is furniture around. Yeah I know, acoustics 101; furniture absorbs sound. The thing is that's how people are too. When you feel alone, all the words and thoughts just seem to bounce back at you with no one to talk to. When you have great friends or someone you care about those words start to take meaning and patient ears reward you with a sense of satisfaction and content.

I will be moving into the new place tomorrow but honestly I don't even know where it is or what it looks like. This time I didn't bother to look and sent Brian instead. A new place brings new hope. It's that good feeling you get especially if you really like the place that you want to stay there as long as possible. I guess I'm giving that up. I don't really hate moving around but it's nice to have something to come back to. All I've ever had were just temporary places to call home.

I kinda figured out why I can't write anything after reading back every post.

The guy who wrote those....

He had heart.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-01-30T23:47:00.006+08:00

2009-01-30T12:58:00.002+08:00

I'm not a big fan of cover songs coz most of the time they really sound like crap.

I like this one though, Johnny Cash with Hurt.

I included Everlast too because I suddenly remembered how much I loved this song oh so long ago.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-01-24T17:47:00.014+08:00

"This thing called life is a puzzle. We never know how many pieces there are or what the bigger picture is but we never stop trying to piece it all together if only to get a glimpse of what it is before our time runs out"

I really wanted to write something, anything.

Since the new year I haven't exactly found a way to tap into the little things that used to inspire me so much.

A song.

An act of kindness.

A look.

A view.

A picture.

A moment.

or even just words that inspire.

It got so bad that I wanted to force myself to write something smart or funny as I have noticed that stat counter has been piling up slower than usual. Why did I blog to begin with? Was it for me? For you perhaps? For some one who might need to read words that could mean something to them? Maybe all of the above.

Maybe none of them.

I guess I did not realize how important this blog has come to be for me personally. It wasn't just an empty space to be filled with words but rather a mirror that I needed for self reflection of the choices I made and the things I have seen and heard.

This is my story.

In every story we have read there always has been a point. We take what we read from it and try to learn the morality behind it, the choices made by the characters, the tragedy of an absolute promise, the joy of hope and faith, the beauty of fantastic worlds unlike our own, and last but not least the reality of our lives.

So what has been going on with my ongoing story?

In truth nothing much has changed. I am still trying to deal with the fallout from last year albeit slower than usual but I'm trying my best. At time it gets so paralyzing yet the same feeling of hesitance from last year has reduced in size to manageable proportions. I'm not as scared or shy as I used to be.

Now I wouldn't say I'm reborn but rather found my feet firmly on the ground again. Slowly taking a step or two forward trying hard to get somewhere. The problem is I don't exactly know where it is I want to go. Instead of standing still though I still would rather walk aimlessly and hope to stumble onto something.

I still got that sleeping problem. The only time I'm able to sleep at night is when I over exhaust myself or have something to drink. Sometimes I don't even sleep at night only to go to college with a brain set on overdrive.

In the friend department though there has been some noticeable changes. I could be accused of turning my back on them from time to time but the reality of the situation is my closest friends have settled too firmly in their set routines to adapt to the changes I need to happen for myself. Let's just say I'm tired of tagging along for the ride instead of being the "driver' of my own life. Most of the time I would go with them to the "destinations' they want to be. I guess I realized that the biggest thing that needs to change in my life is being in control to go to the "destinations" I want to be at. I just need to start living again.

In the relationship department it would seem like everyone expects me to be with someone every other day. Last week I was late for a lecture and when I arrived they asked why. I fabricated an entire story about how I was late because I had to send someone I banged home as a joke. The joke seemed to be on me as they believed it. I guess I still can't drop that assumption no matter how long I keep my dick in my pants. A few days ago a friend asked me how I was doing with the "girl" I always had a thing for. I was honest with him and confessed that I dropped that ball a long time ago as I knew it was just a pipe dream. The reality of the situation is if I really wanted to I could go and "win" her. The getting part was easy, the keeping part will always be a problem for a guy like me. Even as recently as yesterday, my friends seemed to think I had a thing going for a girl I was talking to but I dispelled that assumption immediately. Don't get me wrong, from the short time I have gotten to know her I really think she is quite an amazing person. Truthfully I don't know where I stand with her but I'm not about to go and ruin anything just to satisfy my curiosity. I can't do the fast hook up when it comes to relationships anymore and right now I just want to enjoy what I have. I don't want to fill my head with thoughts and expectations only to be disappointed later.

Until I'm absolutely sure without a doubt that there really is something there worth taking the leap for I won't just yet. I guess I'm holding on to a thought that the best thing is really the one you have to wait for. If not then it's alright. That's life.

"Steady yourself" they say. I've got news for you people. This IS my life. If you can't deal with it then fuck off. I don't need you around to remind me how I could be so much better off. If I had a choice then why would I be right here right now?

These days who knows what it mean to be in love anymore. Someone who said that love is fucked up would best summarize it for me as that really is the truth. We have held on to a hope that love solves everything only to be bitterly disappointed in the end have come to realize that it might just be a myth.

So now the question is do I believe it's a myth?

Earlier tonight I went to the fun fair that's been around for almost a month now. I was dragged along to be the tiang lampu for the night and since I thought spending a Saturday night home alone was pretty pathetic I decided to go. Although, the games were blatantly one sided and the rides were crappy I had fun. After we went on the spinning ride thingy (I don't know what it's called ok so fuck you if you're making a weird face right now) Brian took his chick to go puke coz we had a heavy dinner (BK rocks your balls off bitch. If you gots no balls then boobs? I dunno, talking out of my ass here. Anyways....) I started walking around by myself. I realized that I really liked how old this fun fair was. I love the nostalgic feeling it gives you. Even with a slight case of vertigo during that spinning ride eventually gave way to this really amazing but unexplainable feeling.

Is love really a myth? It is, but it's a myth I would never stop believing in.

Brian will be going back to Labuan to celebrate Chinese New Year with his family. Initially he was hesitant to go but I guess he got my point when I told him he should be happy that he could celebrate something with his family. So for the next few days it's going to be another holiday I'm not going to be a part of and will be predictably bored to death at home settling for yet another year watching those fireworks from the window.

There is something else......

So far I have been saying how awesome I've been feeling and how this year has been great. What I didn't mention was how 2008 ended. The last week my family came over and my sister and I hung out a lot. My parents were still protective over her so she needed me to bail her out to do the things she needed to. We talked a lot about life and she finally confessed that the mistake she made years ago was her fault and no one else's. I told her I never blamed her and even though I was too little to be heard I knew why she did it. It was nice getting to know my own sister again.

There was also something that I needed help with. I really needed this one and after exhausting every other option I turned to my family for help. For the first time in years I actually begged for help. What I got in return was laughter because for a moment I threw away my pride and begged for something. It was kind of cruel to be laughed at but I did not care, I just really needed this to work. Couple of days later when I brought my family to go shop at 1 Borneo, we stopped by at Old Town to have a drink and I asked again if they could help. It was then that they revealed that they could not as my sister had met someone and was getting married soon. I just sat there emotionless. I wanted to be angry but I couldn't. I wanted to be happy for her but couldn't. I told them I needed to take a walk for a while and left them there. After a short while I put on a mask and rejoined them.

Until today I don't know why it was so easy for me to let it go. I guess I have gotten so used to giving up on my own hopes and dreams for the good of others. 2009 will be a year where I would have to fulfill my brotherly duties and right now I'm genuinely happy for her.

Story of my life : Giving up for the greater good.

On that very issue of family, it's hard to hear how some parents can be complete oblivious fuckheads. Few weeks ago I found out a cousin (who is only 18) got knocked up, ran away from home, converted and got married. Although a little disappointing on how she handled herself I was more pissed off at how her family handled the situation. Instead of putting aside their pride, they chose to blame each other endlessly and condemn their own child to disappear on them. On top of that, they actually wanted her to abort a 7 month old fetus. 7 MONTHS OLD. How fucking stupid can you be? We're talking about life here. You can't just throw away something that's already passed the point of no return. Have you ever even thought of what that would do to your child? I mean seriously, what the fuck you stupid motherfuckers? The world has changed. Stop treating your children like they are mentally retarded who can't decide for themselves. For fuck sake, parents are supposed to be there to support their child through the hard times, not abandon them or condemn them.

Dumb fucks.

Today... I choose to live a life of "taking what I can get" as I feel like if I even try to "ask" for even the slightest thing..... would just be another step backwards whether it concerns friendship, peace of mind, family, and especially love....

Yeah...

Especially that.

It's ironic, at this very moment I probably feel more alone than ever and although being content with it has been erratic all I can do is ignore it and continue on.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You okay? I'm really sorry we can't help" - Sis

"Yeah it's fine. I guess I always knew that you guys could never really help me after everything that has happened"

"Mom is really trying her best right now and it really shows" - Sis

"Yeah I know. It wouldn't be right to push this any further. Don't worry about it yeah? Didn't really mean much to me anyways :)"

"I'm just hoping everything goes well for me" - Sis

"So do I. You got a chance, to get out and live the life you want. This is your chance to be normal and put the past behind you. So tell me about him"

"He is pretty cool. His parents are super traditional though so he's a little worried about that. He's coming down in a few months. You should come back to meet him" - Sis

"Haha, don't worry about them. You'll be fine. They might have a problem with me though hahaha. Just let me know when you want me to be there and I will"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy Chinese New Year Everyone :)

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-01-23T18:36:00.002+08:00

Let me just ask you this.

What can I possibly blog about when every story is a regurgitation of the next one?

People don't change. If they do I don't see it.

Deep down no one wants to change.

You wanna know why there is always conflict in life? Without conflict what will you have left to hope for?

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-01-18T14:13:00.004+08:00

There will be a time when I will blog about a good discussion I had about good versus evil just not today. Still not feeling it.

Enjoy Cupid de Locke by Smashing Pumpkins

And in the land of star crossed lovers
And barren hearted wanderers
Forever lost in forsaken missives and satans pull
We seek the unseekable and we speak the unspeakable
Our hopes dead gathering dust to dust
In faith, in compassion, and in love

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-01-16T12:10:00.000+08:00

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-01-14T17:40:00.003+08:00

"Why you so different today?" - Cliff

"Eh? Got difference kah?"

"Dunno. Usually you so happy and vulgar" - Cliff

"Haha, so that's normal ah?"

"For you it is hahahahaha" - Cliff

"I guess this is just me being me today :)"

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-01-13T06:31:00.005+08:00

"What you are is affecting others around you"

You were right

I'm a living breathing fuck up.

This song is for you.

Can you take this broken boy?
And put the pieces back as one?
Though he has all of his toys...
He is never having fun

Because it's not enough
Now we're growing up
We are giving up
We are moving on
Because its not enough
We were growing up
We are giving up
And I won't hear what you say so...

Save your sympathy
Who do you think you're fooling?
Everything is dead!
Now you welcome me,
To a town called hypocrisy

Save your sympathy
Who do you think you're fooling?
Everything is dead!
Now you welcome me,
To a town called hypocrisy

(Town Called Hypocrisy)

Can you take this lonely girl?
I pick her up from off the ground
'cause theres no pride, to be found
When you follow sheep around
And no future here, no future
For us in this town

Because it's not enough
Now we're growing up
We are giving up
We are moving on
Because its not enough
We were growing up
We are giving up
And I won't hear what you say so...

Save your sympathy
Who do you think you're fooling?
Everything is dead!
Now you welcome me,
To a town called hypocrisy

Save your sympathy
Who do you think you're fooling?
Everything is dead!
Now you welcome me,
To a town called hypocrisy

La la la
Lalalalalalalala la la
Lalalalalalalala la la
Lalalalalalalala la la

(lalalalalalalala la la)
Because it's not enough
Now we're growing up
(lalalalalalalala la la)
We are giving up
We are moving on
(lalalalalalalala la la)
Because its not enough
We were growing up
(lalalalalalalala la la)
We are giving up
And I won't hear what you say so...

Save your sympathy
Who do you think you're fooling?
Everything is dead!
Now you welcome me,
To a town called hypocrisy

Save your sympathy
Who do you think you're fooling?
Everything is dead!
Now you welcome me,
To a town called hypocrisy

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-01-10T19:40:00.008+08:00

A lot has happened that I don't write about. I don't know why.

The words just seem to linger and die as if none of them mean anything if I don't finish the last loose end of the past year. The Once Met Girl, she keeps coming back even when I have no interest in her whatsoever. What is it about her that I need to know so badly?

It's weird. I don't want to jinx it but I feel so at peace with everything right now and oddly enough because of that I don't feel like writing or haven't been able to find a soundtrack for whatever this thing I'm going through is.

No alarms, no surprises.

So I guess because of that I might not blog for a while. I don't know when it would be where the words need to be written again. It might not even be long but like I said I don't know.

To those who were kind enough to read this blog, If you choose not to follow this blog any longer I would like to apologize. If there is one thing I can assure you, I'm not abandoning this blog at all.

Just enjoying the peace.

So allow me to.

If you're wondering why I included Lady Gaga's Love Game well, that's actually what I wanted to write about. In short the topic was meant for people who wonder why they can't find true love or something like that.

I already established that if you're able to anticipate the human mind it's easy to coerce them into doing anything. Sort of like a game where just a nudge or a suggestion and they would do it.

I already said I'm just trying to focus on myself for the time being but occasionally someone would ignore that fact and still need help. Let's take RBC for example. He's been saying how his relationship has been going really great lately. All it took was one meeting with the couple and I knew nothing changed. This past Friday he invited me to watch a movie with him and I agreed coz I was so fuckin bored anyways. Out of the blue he started telling me about how he got problems and she never changed. Reluctantly I told him what to do anyways and naturally he did the opposite. So there I was sitting on the cinema steps smokin my life away with him having a 15 minute (mofo) conversation with his girlfriend to lay down the rules.

So what is it then I told him? I just said to give her space, some people enjoy a little bit of space in their relationship (including me) so just take her silence with a grain of salt and she would come back to normal eventually. He didn't. He called her up and started going on about how this is supposed to be this and that was supposed to be like that. The point is that's exactly what I expected him to do; further put a strain on the relationship. Now you might think I'm a little evil for doing that but as I see it, it's probably for the best that they break up.

Why?

Well, one of the things I don't understand about relationships in general is control. Both sides are always trying to gain the upper hand and gain control. The point of arguments are to learn something not to win but most couples use arguments as a way to win and force their partner into relinquishing control for the time being until they choose to take it back through arguments or other means. That is what RBC did. He is afraid of not being able to control his girlfriend. That is what most of my friends think too.

I'm not trying to glorify myself or my ways but I don't believe in control. Relationship can be controlled but controlling the relationship means controlling love and I think that makes love retarded.

Last month Brian's chick asked me about M and if I still talked to her. I told her I didn't for a long time now. She then asked a lot about M and I told her exactly the kind of person she was. The funny thing is she immediately said she hopes to never meet M again because of the kind of person she is. I told her all those things for a reason, things M's family or closest friends know nothing about. M was a carbon copy of her. I knew it and so did Brian. We even had a small joke about how we're practically dating each other's girlfriends. I told her because she and Brian have been going out for 3 years and she learnt nothing about how their relationship could be so much better if she used a little common sense. She hates me sometimes because every time they fight or she has something against me, Brian would always be in my corner. It's so funny because Brian and I have known each other since middle school and even though we have only become best friends over the last couple of years I know so much more than she does and that makes it frustrating. I can't understand why 3 years isn't enough for her to learn anything. I swear if she didn't have all her stubborn quirks and silly rules she wouldn't be half as boring as she is right now. What she doesn't realize is he knows it, and he is slowly getting tired of it.

So here is the point of this post; Love in this modern age is a game for everyone. There are all these rules and criteria's and quirks and etc. There is so much to do and to not do and I understand that it does make the chase part of relationships exiting, it makes the relationship part tedious. You probably don't realise that you never stopped playing the game and you're constantly trying to one up your partner to win. Even in breaking up it's another game where you decide who walks away with the least damage.

After the dust has settled, do you really know what is it you won?

Yes I know. Without the "game" it's virtually impossible to survive the dating scene.

I don't know if I've blogged about this before but M text-ed me a week after we broke up saying she really missed me. It was kinda cruel considering she left me but all I told her was that she was free to come back but I'm not going to spell out all the reasons she should. I hate being a choice. The thing is, when that moment comes when you're relegated to be a choice is just ridiculous. I mean think about it, talking someone into being with you or getting back together? What the fuck is that? Since when was Love negotiable? You either want to be there or not, simple as that. It's just common sense. In every relationship I've been in I give them absolute freedom with the only catch being relying on common sense in doing things you should or shouldn't do and that in itself is simple. I don't control them and they never try to control me. A sort of understanding that we're free to do whatever we want as long as we know who we're coming home to. Even when it comes to problems I never tell them "you should do this" or "you should do that". I merely suggest that they could try and do it this or that way. Maybe it's always been a fact that I hate directing people especially my girlfriends because that is just kinda retarded.

You wonder why is it you can't find true love and why men can't appreciate what they have?

We want what we can't have. It's simple as that. I don't know maybe the thrill of the chase was so exciting that when we "win" we miss that thrill 'cept for me that is. I hate the chase. It's like a nagging cliffhanger especially if you really like the other person. I know I would really like it if a woman would just cut the chase and be with me but if she turns out crazy camana jugakan?

I don't really know why men don't appreciate. Macam no reason except we do or we don't.

True love? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it's because the process is so cluttered with rules to begin with that we can't really find what we need. We just go through the motions and keep wondering what happened. We settle for less. We become realists. We are unlucky. All of the above? I can't tell you what you need to do to find it. That's for you to figure out for yourself.

Me?

I'm a dreamer, always will be. A woman is the last thing on my mind right now but you never know. Who says true love only exist in tragedies?

There is one thing though; I will get what what I need when the time comes and this time I'm sure as hell won't be a choice. If I am then what to do.

Sorry for another retarded post.

Till Next time

Ki//joy

2009-01-06T05:43:00.008+08:00

"I think just saying whatever to somebody and not have them totally freak out or completely write you off as a human being is.... comforting"
- In Search Of A Midnight Kiss

There is a lot to write about as this past week has been pretty awesome and I have this nagging post I've been meaning to write about for the longest time but all that has to take a back seat for the meantime.

A whole week worth of words but only two that I couldn't say out loud. Why that is I don't know. Fear I guess, fear that what I say might be misinterpreted to something else entirely (as that would be the case. I guess people can't really help it).

As it stands I have been told I have nothing to lose and in truth I don't. So why is it that when a friend said I give up way too easily nowadays it felt new? He was right, I missed the point where I just stopped being anything. Ryan told me I should find something to motivate me but I couldn't really find an answer. Rather than try I enjoy being a misanthrope. Today, RBC told me to help a friend out like I helped him. The answer I gave was "no, I don't do that anymore" but what I really wanted to say was "I can't". Yesterday, a friend asked why is it that I hated last year so much. It was a Domino Effect. Relationships are important to me and that particular human element serves as the lynch pin to everything. Once those fell apart, everything did even up to the last day. By that point I just thought "Fuck it, I'll just grab an umbrella and party in the shit storm that is my life". I don't think he got what I meant but it seems he tries to motivates me somehow, even today. For that thank you, but I really don't know what gets me going. I just do it because I can even if it's always half-heartedly.

So why didn't I say it?

I guess I'm just not that guy anymore. I watch from afar. Getting closer is a luxury a guy like me can't have. So if you're reading this and you think you know that these two words are meant for you, it's up to you to figure out what it means. I doubt that you will even know. Why these two words? I don't know.

"You're electric"

Enjoy two songs by Radiohead.

Those were the days...

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2009-01-02T06:00:00.009+08:00

"Clusterfuck"

Finally found the perfect word to describe 2008.

2009.

You started out very very promising indeed.

Don't let me down eh?

(I'm on leave from this blog. Will be back sometime next week hopefully so till then enjoy four songs, sort of like a preview of what I'll be blogging about. So make a guess. Why the fuck I'm inserting this note when I know I won't be missed is beyond me. For courtesy sake labah tu)

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-12-28T12:27:00.006+08:00

...... Days Left To Salvage The Year.

I tried to salvage last year. After what happened with TF (she got married around November) I was still optimistic that I could get over it and salvage the year by having shit loads of fun. I planned and everything just sort of fell apart right at the end and my New Year came with a tiny "mew" instead of a loud "RAWR!"

To make matters worse this year actually managed to be a bigger catastrophe....

STUPID MOTHERFUCKIN CHEEBYE 2008

-_-

Well anyways last night I went to Shen to celebrate Edna's birthday. I actually managed to have fun but..... there was a catch. Ryan and Brian kept taunting me with the Once Met Girl....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ui sa nampak dia di Texas tu tadi" - Ryan

"Hmm"

"Ui, I baru jumpa her at the front door. I even talked to her lagi" - Ryan

"Hmm"

"Ui dood, sa tida mau kasi sakit hati kau but I just saw her at the corner tadi" - Brian

"Hmm"

"Ui dood........" - Brian

"PUKITAI, SA TAU BAH! I memang tau suda she is in here. Banyak suda dia punya kawan sa nampak. Kenapa kamu saja nampak dia nih. Cheebye, I go get some air dulu lah"

-_-

(Later on at supper)

"Bah, how should I salvage this motherfuckin year?"

"Minum sampai bodoh" - Ryan

"Don't we do that often anyways?"

"Have another threesome" - Brian

"First one had the effect of smoking a cigarette. I doubt that would change"

"Well you tried to salvage last year and look how that turned out. RBC fucked it up for you" - Brian

"Yabahkan. *sighs* I'm so fucked"

"Why pula?" - Brian

"I'm not happy because I'm not with anyone and I'm not going for anyone because I'm not happy. Too busy trying to hide the crazy wahahahahahaha"

"Knowing you, that actually makes sense. Wahahahahah" - Brian

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Someone once asked me if I thought I was the best future for the one I loved. Something I thought about for a long time. This is what I decided; no one in this world is perfect and heaven knows I'm not. But I loved her more than anyone else possibly could. In the end that's all that matters. She was my chance at something else, something better and there was no way I could let go of that.

But I did.

Movies with such similar themes as above show you about what matters most if you take that path. They don't show you about the alternative as that would make bad business. 2008 was about me discovering that answer. The answer to what would happen if you gave up what mattered most.

I sunk. Deep. At times it felt like every time I made progress in climbing back up I would slip back down and had to start over. Most of the time I just wanted to give up. I used masks to disguise my own pain and blend in, giving others what they wanted. I learned about their lives and their choices. I even learned what I'm capable of. Some might assume I'm a voyeur for being so interested in other people. Honestly, I never go looking for what comes anyways. Enough about that, I hate repeating myself. I am blessed with the best of friends and in time I know they will grow tired of picking me up every time I'm on the ground but for now I am glad to have them around.

If there is one reoccurring problem with people it would be they don't seem to be content with what they have. I don't understand why you keep looking for a reason to do what you did. You want love but you can't trust it, you want trust but you can't give it, you want to give your all but you know you can't. No one is perfect but there are some things that you do and some things you just can't to another human being. It's up to you to figure out what they are. I've seen so many forgive the unforgivable and vice versa. Sometimes it saddens me how we as a human race get confused so easily but everyone has their own individual paths to take and choices to make. Not everyone can be a winner.

So as it stands this year will undoubtedly go down as the worst ever year in my life but that doesn't mean it was a complete loss either. There have been moments where it has been pretty awesome. I am grateful for everything and even though I do wish things could play out differently, this is what was written for me. This is my destiny.

Happiness. In time I know I might find it again, not just a glimpse or what could have been, something I can hold and keep for myself but it might be a while. I don't know when that day will come but I am waiting, patiently hoping that there will be someone who doesn't just brush me aside or ignore my existence but sees me. Ironically, last night someone did. If we would've stayed longer I probably would have gone over and talked to her. Unfortunately though, she is a friend of a friend. This place really is small.

I don't know if I should celebrate New Year's Eve seeing as how this year has been a disaster but a part of me wants to. There is nothing like having a good time and starting fresh next year.

Anyone have any suggestions on what I should do on the last day of the year? Do leave a comment.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-12-26T10:29:00.002+08:00

I wasn't expecting much from Christmas. That was until things started happening one after another.

It was on the way back from a completely random road trip. We had just dropped Audrey off. That was her Christmas present; home with her family. It was my turn to drive, Brian was next to me and Larnelle was at the back resting.

Suddenly I started thinking about how the night played out.

Starting at UpperStar with tons of crazy (we were probably the noisiest there) and beer we celebrated Christmas with good friends. We dispersed a couple of hours later and met up again at Damai after almost getting into a potentially bad accident. How we survived that I wouldn't know. Lucky I guess.

Suddenly Larnelle asked "Mari pi Kudat?" and we did. The four of us stocked up on food and more beer for the trip and went. The way was dark and really fucking foggy but we didn't slow down. Larnelle just drove and drove and drove. We arrived at the tip of Borneo and found a sweet spot right at the edge to watch the sun come up. Larnelle was sharing quality time with Audrey, Brian was busy feeding the sea, ground, air, and trees with peanuts, and I was there watching their drunk antics, laughing my ass off and enjoying the sunrise.

From beers at Upperstar to having breakfast in Kudat then lunch at Kota Belud.

It really was an amazing road trip. I am really glad to have friends with excellent taste in music too as every song played during the trip was perfect. All that was left to do was crank up the stereo and sing along.

So you must be wondering why I picked Paper Planes by M. I. A

There was a moment when I was driving and we went through some hills. The view then was really fucking amazing and this song suddenly popped in my head. When I was back home yesterday night and was watching Slumdog Millionaire, this was a song on the soundtrack.

Imagine that eh?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Half an hour after we reached home......

"Haha budu si Larnelle. He texted me bah" - Brian

"Apa dia cakap?"

"Mari pi Kudat?" - Brian

"Bah apa lagi hahahaha"

"On saja bah kan" - Brian

"Memang lah"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-12-23T18:56:00.011+08:00

"Laugh And The World Laughs With You. Weep And You Weep Alone."

or is it

"Laugh And You Laugh Alone. Weep And The World Watches."

I once said that there was a bigger picture involved in whatever I did/am doing/will do. It isn't easy though, one wrong move and it all falls apart, especially when it comes to people. Well enough about that for now. In time it will reveal itself. Either that or you won't ever find out depending on how it turns out.

Now what do I write about. I always got something in my mind but when I sit here it all becomes a frazzled mess. God, I hate my mind. It works too fast.

I don't dream. Never had dreams. All that happens is I fall asleep and wake up the next moment. Occasionally though there would be the odd night (or day) where I would dream about something. The weird thing about how this works is they are nightmares. Sort of like an omen of things to come.

"Fuck"

That was the first word that I uttered when I opened my eyes. Last night's was a particularly bad one. It was about relationships, well to be more precise about my fear of relationships.

I was with someone I loved dearly but we decided to end it because it just wasn't working out. Almost instantly though she hooked up with one of my best friends. They were great together and from what I remember I was dumbfounded for the most part in the dream. I wasn't angry at him for taking her away. I wasn't even angry at her for making that choice.

I was hurt because they were happy.

I couldn't understand the feeling. I kept wondering why they hugged, kissed, had those loving looks and touches, smiled. I didn't understand any of it. I tried to smile myself and I couldn't. I just didn't know how to so I kept snooping around for clues and signs on how to be happy but I just couldn't find any. That made me even more confused about everything. In the end I just gave up. It was like I decided that happiness wasn't for me and I was content with having that void.

I was at peace with having a tragic life.

This nightmare wasn't an omen. It was me, exactly how I feel right now. I know that I have been in denial, trying to block out any negative thoughts about my own life and focus on other people. This dream was a reminder that no matter how I try to run away from my own life, I will always have to come back to it.

I am not a stubborn person. I'm not even aggressive but I am defiant. I don't work well with the "norm" or unreasonable rules. I always thought that I'm cursed or something as tragedy happens wherever I am.

I don't know why I needed to witness it all again. Waking up to the void that I thought was long gone took it's toll on me. At first I smiled and told myself it was all a dream but soon the weight started to bear down on me, heavier each minute and now I can't even smile. I don't even want to try. Seems pointless.

When I was at Labuan I had a conversation with my Mom and Sis. I was so cold and unforgiving. I knew I was saying something that would hurt them but I had to say it out loud. I told them that being back there felt like I was on vacation. I really didn't feel like I belonged there. They thought it was because I still shared a room with my brother when it always was his to begin with. They made it clear that I could always come back there if I didn't have anywhere else to go and I told them that I knew that. It just won't be my home. The Sis then later talked to me when no one was around and wanted to know the reason why I was like that so I told her everything.

It's easy to tell someone that everything will work out in the end but the fact is, everything has changed. I changed. I came clean and told her directly that the only time I ever felt like I belonged was when I was with TF. I finally found purpose and clarity but no one understood. No one even gave me the benefit of the doubt that I was doing the right thing. So I did what's best for her, her family, and mine. I gave them what they all wanted but that doesn't mean it wouldn't have repercussions. I was the consequence. She had nothing to say afterwards. I'm getting really tired of having to repeat myself with everyone. Wish I could just shuffle everyone into a room and tell all of them at the same time to just fucking deal with it.

(At the time I finished the last paragraph I noticed a huge ass cockroach on the cupboard next to me so I ran like a pussy. I have been traumatized by cockroaches since I was little when I thought I killed one only for it to end up crawling all over me INSIDE my clothes. I never stripped faster in my life. Now after 2 hours I am returning to finish this piece)

I am at peace with this tragic life.

I am a sore loser because I rarely win at anything.

If you haven't figured it out already the one thing I fear in relationships is not being able to make my significant other happy. Now it seems to have consumed myself as I don't know what makes me happy. To makes things worse, lately I seem to be wrong about a lot of things.

It's all part of the plan?

There is no plan. I don't feel the need to go through with it as trying to prove that I didn't misplace my faith in people is misguided. Human beings will never change. We are incapable of shying away from our basic instincts and because of that I'm gonna say fuck the plan.

A couple of days ago I re-watched Oldboy, a Korean revenge movie and wondered why I forgot about it. Basically the story is about a man who is kidnapped and locked up in a room for 15 years without knowing why. His only contact with the outside world was the television where he watched the news of his wife being killed and him being framed for it. Eventually he got released and starts playing the culprit's game on why it had to happen to him. The entire movie is very tragic and sad but somehow it still manages to have a sense of humor about itself. Don't get me wrong, there is no happy ending and the protagonist loses more than he already did including his mind at the end. You really have to watch this movie. The twist at the end is probably one of the most fucked up twists in movie history and I'm not talking "Holy shit Bruce Willis is a ghost" kinda twist. Really really fucked up.

That is how my life has played out so far too. Dark and tragic but somehow humorous at the same time. I guess this is why I said 2008 will be the year I lost my mind as going through everything made me realize that the truth I'm looking for will not make me feel any better. I'm not being dramatic. I guess I'm abandoning idealism for realism. Even my curiosity for the Once Met Girl has ended as I finally was able to figure her out. Turns out she was exactly what I expected her to be.

Just like everyone else.

I'm supposed to go out in a couple of hours to Shen for a friend's birthday but I think I'll skip it. Just don't feel like it. I'm just too emotionally exhausted right now.

Enjoy a song from A Fine Frenzy called Ashes & Wine. No, I'm not gay. It's a nice song but I found the perfect song for this post which is Death Cab's Bixby Canyon Bridge. Everything from the musical arrangements to the lyrics is just right. Listen to it and you'll know what I mean.

I guess it's time to just turn my brain off and shut the fuck up. I won't be missing out in the first place. It is a damn shame. I was really hoping to be proven wrong.

You know what the weird thing is. Last week when I was on that stuff I felt like I was living a dream. Since then I feel like that hour was more real than anything before or after. Everything became so clear and simple.

Right now..... This is the dream that won't end.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At Sacred Heart for confession...

"Ui, punya capat dia pigi confess. Haha trus lagi tu" - Brian

"Yabahkan, macam he cut the line tu. Tida bole sabar kali. Kamurang tida mau confess?"

"Eee, dun wan o. I feel guilty o. Wait, can smell the smoke on my breath kah? Fuck, I totally forgot about it when meeting Ryan punya family" - Edna, Ryan's Chick

"Ala, ok bah tu. They know you smoke jugakan?"

"Ui can we smoke kah here" - Brian

"Even I know you don't smoke around church. You say you wanna change tapi macam lagi teruk when you come here hahahaha. So you really don't want to confess?"

"Tida mau, sudala never confess before. I feel weird even coming to church. Like no point bah since we go back to doing what we do juga" - Brian

"Well, for me I think confession is for people who need to hear the words telling them that everything will be okay. If you think you don't then tida payah lah. I think Ryan pun did it coz he feels super heavy and shit with all he got on his mind"

"You think he got tell kah yang he lari dari rumah wahahahaha" - Brian

"Haha, I don't think so tu. Ketara he bagi the censored version saja of everything. Nah kan, habis suda wahahaha"

"Ui, pigi la confess since we here already. You oso bole bah. You can start with I'm Not Christian wahahahahaha" - Ryan

"Ish half bah, but only in Korea"

"You think the Father karau ka tu when talking to a hot chick? He'll be like secretly asking for her number and photo ni trus ramas2 lagi hahahahaha" - Brian

"Punya teruk hahaha. Padahal I do the same thing whenever I go to my place"

"Bole smoke ka sana? - Brian

"Tida tau, blum try lagi but I'm pretty sure tida bole labah. Ui jalan lah. We're destroying the sanctity of this place. Tulah Edna, that's why you don't win. Ko tida mau confession."

*muka kasian*

"Uish, jan la begitu. Sori labah wahahaha"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-12-21T19:29:00.004+08:00

Double post today coz The Bravery are one of my all time favourite bands. Even though they are fairly new with just two albums under their belt but I love their music nonetheless.

So yeah I'm showin them some love.

Unconditional is from their first album and Playlist has only a shitty version of it. I'll change it once I uploaded my own version.

The Bravery - Bad Sun

We are liars like the summertime
Like the spring we are such fools
Like fall we are false prophets
Like winter we are cruel

I don't know what's wrong with us
They just made us this way
There's a hole in you and me
That pulls us together

And I don't know where we belong
I think we grew under a bad sun
I know we're not like everyone
You and me we grew, under a bad sun

Every day you bring me pain
And we savor it like rain
We hold it on our tongues
Just like wine

Someday back when we were young
I guess something just went wrong
The two of us are hung
From the same twisted rope

And I don't know where we belong
I think we grew under a bad sun
I know we're not like everyone
You and me we grew under a bad sun (2x)

You and me we grew under a bad sun

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-12-21T14:38:00.010+08:00

And now I can't stop thinkin about it
All you people at the top know nothin about it
We don't give a fuck what the price is
So just leave us to our own devices and we'll leave you alone.

Plus 44 - When Your Heart Stops Beating

So.........

Yeah.......

Where the fuck do I begin?

Macam so much to write but I don't feel like writing it down now. Depressing crap again lah apa lagi but my depressing shit is kinda interesting to write about pula kan. Nah, Not in the mood. Too much static noise in my head. I blame Labuan for that.

I went back to Labuan for a couple of days (cheap cigs woohooo! cheap alcohol boooooo! coz teda kawan minum) because my family needed me to help them out with something. While I was there pun I was checking up on them (the youngest checking up. WTF)

On the first day alone, It didn't take very long for the weird crap to start. There was a wedding party I wanted to skip but got dragged along by my sis because she didn't want to be bored alone. When I was there surprise surprise, so was H. It wasn't that wierd jugalah, we always have been on good terms. Most of the time I was there was filled with "Holy fuck I didn't recognize you" by friends and relatives.

After we left I went to McD which was on the way home and I was starving (food at the party sucked balls). After ordering I turned around and lo and behold, there was TF's brother and friends. I was hoping they didn't recognize or notice I was there but unfortunately the world doesn't agree with what I want. When they did the whole table was just giving me this wierd look like I was a walking STD or something. I wanted to flip them off but I smiled and left.

The whole trip was kind of a bore. I basically slept the whole time. My sister and I had a conversation about what's been going on with me and I had to tell her everything in order to dig information on how she was doing. I'm glad she met someone and I think my brother is seeing someone too. Good lah, that guy needs to get laid.

In classic fashion, when I arrived yesterday I went clubbing. This time it was with my sister and cousins. They wanted me to tag along to show them around and it was nice I guess. That was when I realized it was their first time clubbing. Gila, I had to be the grown up last night. Sudalah they minum macam air saja and even though I left them to have fun at the end, I had to go back to help them home because they were all drunk. The sis kept apologizing because she thought I was pissed. I wasn't and it was kind of nostalgic seeing them so excited.

Those were the days.

I couldve written this shit better and had another thing to write about but I'm lazy.

2008 will undoubtably be a milestone in my life.

The year I lost my mind.

Oh yah, Ryan was also being extremely gay last night. Maybe gots a case of the Bromance goin on or something.

Bah enuff lah.

I added 3 songs. In case you didn't know +44 is made up of 2/3 of what used to be Blink 182. As far as I'm concerned Angels & Airwaves sounds like pussy fart. I know, of all the things I can come up with I came up with pussy fart.

Otak berpenyakit suda.

Muthafucka.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-12-15T15:53:00.005+08:00

What are you afraid of?
When all the years fade away
What are you made of?
From the ties that hold us down
What are you fighting for?
To feel them all
What are you dying for?
To be free

What Are You Afraid Of? - West Indian Girl

"Ready?" they asked

"No, I'm sick. I'm can hardly breathe right now. What if there is a bad reaction?"

"You won't, we'll be here. You say you can't breathe but you're smoking right now" they said

"Err, I pandai balance bah hahahaha"

"You want to send out some last minute final confessions to anyone though?" they asked

"That would be impossible. I have no one. Let's just get it over with"

It took a while but it did finally start to set in. My pupils were so dilated that I couldn't see quite clearly. It was as if I was in the darkness with only that one bright light as a guide.

"So how does it feel?" they asked.

"So good. I'm the test subject right, and you all wanted to know how I would react to this stuff. If I would be like Brian. I'm starting to get numb. I know I'm moving my fingers but I can't feel them. I don't feel anything. I'm still here though"

"Want more? You're not driving anyways" they asked

"Sure. Let's see how far this can go"

"And now?" they asked

"I feel lighter. I feel like I'm drunk but not quite. I'm going to take a walk along the beach. Brian, come with me"

And so I walked out, stood near the sea and lit a cigarette.

"So what's it like?" he asked

"Surreal. I know all of this is real even if it looks like a dream. If I had to put it into words I would say it's like film noir"

"Black and white?" he asked

"Nah, everything is in color but very defined. Very dark, gritty and inviting. You asked me before if I've done this before right? I haven't but it doesn't mean I never wanted to. I was afraid I might like it that's why I never tried it. This wasn't what I expected it to be"

"In mine it felt so noisy and chaotic. I couldn't control myself. I didn't know where I was. I didn't know what I was doing. I couldn't handle it" - he said

"Well you all should thought of it before forcing me to try this stuff. You know me, when I'm drunk I don't even act drunk unless I start puking or already passed out. I guess my mind has always been strong. They look disappointed that I didn't do anything stupid. Dumb fucks"

"Yeah well once in a lifetime thing. Don't do it again" - he said

"Yeah I know. When it ends I still have to go back to my shitty life. Nothing seems to work for me. Speaking of which this cigarette feels really fucking awesome right now"

"Haha, bah let's go. Sun is coming up" he said.

And we left the beach. On the way home with the window down everything looked so vivid and comforting.

"Syok kan the wind" Brian asked

"Yeah. It feels so nice. After so long I finally feel some peace and quiet in my head"

"I feel so....... free"

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-12-14T17:02:00.002+08:00

When I'm honest, I'm the asshole.

When I'm lying, I'm the hypocrite.

When I need time and space, I'm conceited.

When I apologize, I'm ignored.

When I'm quiet, I ruin the mood.

When I'm noisy, I'm unusually happy?

When you're honest, You care.

When you're lying, You're doing us a favour.

When you need time and space, You're busy.

When you apologize, You're the bigger man.

When you're quiet, You're just bored.

When you're noisy, You're a people person.

"You know, being good isn't worth it anymore"

"Why?" - Brian

"Exactly"

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-12-10T07:50:00.011+08:00

Welcome to the longest post you will ever read aided by Earlimart's Happy Alone and Bon Iver's Blindsided which oddly seems like a good choice for all three parts. Took me a whole day to finish it due to hanging out with friends and doing other stuff but I'm glad I did.

Such Is Life Without Irony

Well you all know that I try to avoid weddings even though my friends keep telling me I should go. "It's a sign," they say. Well yesterday I decided to check on my family and when I called my Mom, to my surprise she was in KL and she was there because someone I knew from my childhood was getting MARRIED.

Like what were the fucking odds. Maybe they were right about me needing to be at weddings.

Well anyways 2 nights ago I went to eat at 4 in the morning (what?) and bumped into Brian who just came back from his family's home. Since his birthday there was something on my mind so I asked him if he had a thing for N. He denied it. Yesterday at the gas station he decided to retract that statement and admitted that he always had a thing for her. Who knew that Brian, being the outgoing loud guy was afraid to ask her out all this time. Too bad they both are with their respective companions. They would probably make a great couple.

I finally was able to think of something to write about and although some of you might not like it here goes......

Cheating for Dummies

What constitutes cheating? Well a rough definition of it would be that when two people are together either one of them (or in some cases both) start secretly seeing other people. Now that we got that out of the way, let's answer the most widely asked question which is why do we men cheat?

The answer is simply because we can.

Note that I said 'we' and not 'them'. Well since I am also a guy and you probably wouldn't give a crap if I was any different (which you clearly don't) I am gladly inserting myself in there with the rest of them. See, there is no psychological disorder or analytical answer to justify why men cheat but most of the time the general consensus has always been because the opportunity was there to begin with. Most girls would try and blame themselves on how they didn't do this or didn't try that and feel bad when everything crashes and burns but I've got news for you women, you didn't fuck up. We did. Most men think with their cocks and not their brains. I, myself am not perfect as sometimes I also succumb to a moment where my cock is doing all the thinking for my brain when it doesn't know how to process what is going on. The only reason why we give in to our cocks would be that everything is simpler that way. We see someone we would like to fuck, we fuck them to get the urge out of our system, we move on.

Cold but simple.

So what makes us so fucking confident we can get away with it? Two words; Bro Code. Even though it might seem like a mythical philosophy that some frat boy invented, subconsciously every guy lives by the Bro Code. We might seem like the weaker sex but I'm pretty sure we're creatively more malicious when it comes to inflicting pain. I'm pretty sure you women have a Code or something like that too (probably less juvenile sounding) but because of the Bro Code men are inherently bounded to the one rule of never fucking another guy over even if he is technically fucking over himself by doing what he does.

I hate the Bro Code.

Why? Well that's because I have met a lot of good women whose boyfriends and even husbands are having a little slice on the side. Unless they are crazy of course (I'm not saying I condone cheating but if the woman be crazy she kind of asked for it ya know?) but usually that isn't the case. See us men have this sort of twisted philosophy that we should fuck as much women as we can while we have our freedom of some sorts. Getting married on the other hand makes men think that they have lost their freedom so we fuck around to feel a little of it. That or the BrainCock, take your pick. So why do I hate the Bro Code? That's because having friends who are generally 'good' people fucking around on their wives or girlfriends whom I know of personally just kinda fucks me up inside. I'm neither condoning it nor saving them from the inevitable. All I can do is just watch and listen and it happens again and again and again.

You women have no idea what we do to you. I would apologize but what is one man's word against the rest of mankind.

Your forgiveness is also your greatest mistake. We get away with it because in the end we know we can crawl back and beg you to forgive us. I don't blame you women for forgiving either. You are soft, emotional creatures governed with grace and when love comes into play that makes it worse. Would we really fear being caught if we knew how forgiving a woman is?

Personally I know of two separate incidents. First one would be my cousin Max. I swear the guy is going for a world record on how many times a guy can cheat while only having one girlfriend. He has been with his chick for over 3 years now and I think he has cheated on her probably with more than a hundred women already. I'm not kidding. How she remains oblivious is beyond my understanding. She is a very petite and quiet woman who obviously loves him so much that she probably chooses to ignore the obvious signs. I remember once being really pissed off with the fact that a guy like him could sustain a relationship so long and a guy like me barely making it out of mine. The second one I won't go into too much as it started to really upset me. A friend has a great girlfriend who might be a little too clingy at times but loves him very much. He fucks around and the worse part is when she finds out about it he manages to defend himself and simultaneously make her feel like shit. You know what the worse part is for me? I helped him once. I helped him fight for a meaningless victory. Her tears weren't because of him alone.

Why did I do it? Partly because I was really angry with him. I know it might sound completely fucked up to say that and fight for him but a part of me wanted things to work out for them. A part of me wanted them to stay together. A part of me believed he could change. Even if I know deep down he won't and whatever he did and assuredly will do in the future will always be unforgivable. How I live with myself with all this crap is something I have to deal with myself.

So then have I cheated? I have to admit I thought about it once. I just moved here and was really missing companionship. It lasted for 10 seconds before I realized how much I needed my girlfriend not a temporary solution and dismissed the thought immediately. Never crossed my mind since.

Sometimes I sit there in front of these women and feel sad for them. I feel so helpless that the one thing I could tell them that would set them free from the inevitable heartache would also be the worse thing they would have to hear. Most of the time I feel more contempt for myself for not doing anything than for the men who do what they do. How do you stop it if men thrive on it?

I can't and for that I am so sorry.

Third Strike

I know this has been quite a long post but bear with it for a while yeah? So what does Third Strike mean? Well in one of my older posts I mentioned that Strike One was with TF and Strike Two was with M. I felt that the next one would really be the final one who would push me off the edge. I only hope it never happens and if anything should happen nothing as bad as I have experienced would repeat itself once again. Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend. We only have known each other for a short while but somehow we always have something to talk about. She is a real wonder. A never ending beacon of optimism. We were talking about relationships and somehow my current situation came into light.

This has been the longest time I have been single since I first started dating. I told her that honestly I have always had only one girl in mind that I want to be with and that would be The Once Met Girl. Cool huh, she gots a nick name now. Once Met Girl = OMG. So my friend told me that I should go for her and stop looking from afar. The problem is I had a lot of legitimate excuses.

First one would be I am not equipped to give her what she needs. I can't take her out to fancy dinners, I can't buy her fancy gifts, I can't do anything. I mean my place now looks so bloody messy it can be a garbage dump. A girl needs to be treated properly, the way she really deserves to. I don't know if I can do that for her.

Secondly, I can't trust anyone. After what happened with M it has been near to impossible for me to be myself around others. The me without the masks. If I can't trust her, how can I possibly love her?

Thirdly, would be a conversation I had with RBC last week. He was asking me why I was taking so long to get back on the horse and I told him it's because I can't do commitments anymore. I can't commit to someone on faith alone and just trying is really hard. I know I can change myself back to the way I used to be but with that comes the need for patience but who really has that amount of time on their hands anymore? No one wants to deal with damaged goods.

Back to the optimist, she said that I was thinking too much about it and took her in-the-process relationship with her soon to be boyfriend (or maybe not) as an example and she didn't find him particularly handsome or wealthy but loved the way he treated her. I then asked her if he couldn't afford to pamper her would she still feel the same way and she didn't answer.

A woman needs that even if she won't admit it.

I know an argument could be made that when Love comes into the equation, everything can be overcome but what is Love really? I honestly wonder if 'real' Love even exists anymore? See when you first fall in Love it's so pure that it is almost overwhelming, but in a good way. What about every time you fall in love with someone new? It isn't really the same Love we all know about because somehow your own personal experience dilutes it. It gets even more diluted every time you fall for someone new. I know of someone (no offense) but two weeks ago she was mourning the loss of her belated lover. Yesterday she was proudly exclaiming how she learned to overcome that difficult time and fall in love again. Does it really happen that fast? I find it really impossible for someone to just fall in love so quickly. You don't just get over being in love so quickly without sacrificing what it meant to you in the first place. If Love really is so fleeting then how can I find comfort in knowing a person's heart might change so quickly and abruptly at any given moment?

That's just the little voice in your head telling you not to be alone anymore.

So a choice between not being lonely or being in love. Or maybe you just enjoy the thought of being in love so much that you take that leap of faith. I don't want to have those choices. I want something that is real but what is real to me might not be real to you. I guess what I really want to know is when will I ever find out if it is real or not? I don't want it to be at the moment she leaves.

Then there is also the difficult part of watching. It might have accidentally found out she split up with her boyfriend. Brian told be I could play the part of the guy who swoops in and mends her broken heart but I find that kind of creepy since I already know what happened. If I just sit and do nothing I will find out that a new guy will enter her life and make her feel like she is the most important thing in the world to him. She will be happy, she will be loved and it just won't be with me. She might be better off for all I know it's just the watching part that will be hard.

In the end I am still caught in an impossible situation. Go for it, fail and be heartbroken once again or just sit and watch from afar. I guess the Third Strike is going to be there for a long time.

Most if not all of us are looking for Love in it's truest form. What you don't realize is how we are the ones to blame for destroying it's meaning in the first place. I don't know if men or women were the ones who started the chain reaction of deceit and mistrust in each other. There is no action without a equal reaction, no cause without consequence and now we are all living the consequence of our own mistake. I for one do not believe in the sanctity of Love anymore.

How can I allow myself to feel it again if I don't believe in it?

What good is a passion you don't believe in?

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-12-08T18:19:00.002+08:00

So here I am home alone when everyone else went to KB for the wedding.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ui, I can't make it on Monday"

"Why pula?" - Ryan

"I don't do weddings"

"Oh, macam tu lah. Then mine or Brian punya pun you won't go lah tu kan. Punya terukkk" - Ryan

"Haha tidalah, you guys punya memangla I'll go. You guys gonna need the guy who gets overly drunk and awkward right? That'll be my job lah hahahaha"

"I still don't see why you have to blame other weddings because of what happened to you. I mean it could be a sign like if you go to weddings you get to hook up and find 'the one' or something like that" - Ryan

"I don't 'blame' the weddings. I just don't think I can handle them. Even thinking about it gets me a little riled up"

"Bah, up to you lah. Your loss jugabah" - Ryan

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So what happened at Brian's belated birthday bash yesterday? Oh nothing much. I got a little pissed off at someone who kept challenging me to drink more just to prove a point to himself. Oh also this......

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Where am i?" - Brian

"The real world. In the car."

"What the fuck happened to me?" - Brian

"Well, you had your first 'trip'. It started off good and it turned bad pretty quick. You were pretty out of it for a while"

"Is this real?" - Brian

"It was always real. You mind just wasn't strong enough to process it all"

"I felt like I was dead. Did I do anything stupid?" - Brian

"Nah, you were yourself just very very slow. Like GG slow. Your mind and body were confused. Most of the time you were wide eyed and distant. At first I thought you were kidding then after a while I kinda figured out what the hell was wrong with you. Oh yeah, there was the part where you looked at yourself in the mirror and started screaming. That was pretty hilarious. You also puked on my feet"

"Hahahaha sorry about that" - Brian

"Ui okay bah. You told me to stay and take care of you. So I did"

"I did? Did I go anywhere else? Does my mom know? Does N know?" - Brian

"Nah, you were here the whole time. She doesn't. I covered for you the whole time and if she asks just say you had too much to drink. N doesn't know either. All everyone knows is you had a bad reaction to whatever it is you took. Don't ever tell your girlfriend either"

"Yea I know, thanks mahn. I do remember something. I think I told you to take my Holy Spirit or something like that kan hahahahaha" - Brian

"Yeah, that was seriously fucked up hahahaha. Tulah, always want to experience a trip. I hope your first will be your last. I don't want to take care of your ass every time."

"Ui tida mau suda o. I really felt fucked up. I don't ever want to touch this stuff again. Period." - Brian

"Good"

"You done this before?" - Brian

*silence*

"Bah, if you need me just call. Rest lah for now. You still have a party to host."

"Bah2" - Brian

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know those ads on the TV that tell you to not do drugs. Listen to them. Never do drugs. Don't fuck up your life. Brian was lucky enough I was there to take care of him and the look on his face the whole time sums up his first and last experience with it.

He feared whatever it was that he saw.

I had a good time aside from that guy who pissed me off and Brian's mistake. The moment of the night had to be this one.....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Gay" - Ms. Layness

"Your hair sucks. Kenapa pula sa gay lagi ni. Sudalah my ass balik2 kena ramas by Cliff, Ryan dan banyak lagi. Diorang yang gay"

"Eh, normal ah that for guys to pat another guy on the ass" - Cliff

"Ah then what did you say afterwards. Itu yang teruk hahahahaha"

"Err.......what did you say ah Ryan?" - Cliff

"Uish his ass soft bah. Serious. Syok nih his ass. Soft and firm." - Ryan

"-_-"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-12-07T13:28:00.002+08:00

"So you goin to the wedding?"

"If I don't have a hangover, most probably yeah" - Brian

"I don't think I wanna go"

"Why?" - Brian

"Coz there are some things I can get over and some things that can't"

"And that is....?" - Brian

"Weddings"

*cue inappropriately hilarious laughter even though the reason is kinda sad*

Later on that night at supper.......

"So antara kami tiga sepa paling hensem dan cool? (Him, Brian, Me)" - Nek

"Actually dia yang paling banyak potential kalau dia fit" - Ryan's chick pointing at Me

*smiles while secretly cheering coz I'm tha ultimate winner who never gets picked*

"Oh so kalau sa kurus dia masi menang lah?" - Nek

*Ryan's chick busy talking with someone else*

"Na, dia tida jawab. SAYA MASI YANG PALING HENSEM DAN COOL!!!" - Nek

"-_-" Me

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night was fun.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-12-06T19:21:00.003+08:00

Hate.

A powerful word isn't it.

Most people say that Love is the ultimate answer. With Love there can always be peace. That might be true if it wasn't because we never learn anything about life and how to survive without Hate.

You might never admit it, but you need to Hate. You will hate a person, a thing, a place, a moment, an age, even just a word.

Hate.

Why am I bringing this up now? Well, because Hate is the last tool in my arsenal. If you won't listen to reason, if you refuse to change and learn from your own mistakes then I will make sure you do. Some people have the natural capacity to change but some don't. For those who don't, I'll force it out of you with Hate. You will hate me for what I'll do. If you think what you have gone through isn't bad enough then I will show you how bad it can get.

Why? That is the only way you seem to be able to learn anything. Even if it is at my expense. I have seen too many good ones get lost in their own optimism. Too many.

I am truly sorry.

Well finals are over. Can't say I am particularly happy with it because these past few days have been weird. Feel like I've been in the Twilight Zone with how things are normal one time and change abnormally the next and trust me, there have been A LOT of weird things happening.

Today I was supposed to check out HobbyCon and make fun of cosplayers coz got nothing better to do but I got lazy. Malas wanna turun KK. RBC was supposed to tag along too because I needed him to be me. Long story lah tu.

Finally the holidays. I hate holidays. I never have a good time anyways.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why?" - RBC

"Well people want a face for Ki//joy so I'm going to give them one. Yours"

"How exactly am I supposed to be you?" - RBC

"Quiet, brooding, sarcastic. All the reasons you know and love me for hahaha. Don't worry bah, I'll be there also acting as you"

"And how do you plan on playing me?" - RBC

"Annoying, cheerful, lame jokes and etc"

*makes a demonstration*

"-_-" - RBC

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-12-04T07:02:00.002+08:00

Apparently my blog does not want me to reveal who I am. I edited my profile to put whatever detail that would make it way easier for any one of you to find out who I am but the fuckin thing just don't work because no one sees it. WTF?

Oh well, what to do lah. Stupid blog. I'll just settle with being anonymous here but I'll tell you the next time I see one of youz guys and gals. Fair enuff kan?

Anyways finals have been on since yesterday and guess what I have been doing to prepare?

Abso-fuckin-lootly nothing!

Tuesday night I went to the movies only to come home and occupy myself with something else with the exception of opening a book to study.

Yesterday night I went to Shen to check out the bartending thingy (ok ok lah, nothing much juga). Ryan was getting unusually worried about me not making through this semester so we made a deal. I ace the test and he wouldn't bother me about going out on my finals ever again. Plus I would be his role model for his own finals (that was his way of saying I'll get blamed if he failed)

I got home a couldn't sleep. I had a fucking graveyard for kicks and could not even doze off. Cheebye betul eh. So what did I do? Blog stalk. I found a classmate's blog and read every post.

Bodoh kan, can't open the book to study tapi sanggup read all the posts in someone's blog.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-12-01T19:52:00.006+08:00

There is one thing I have been thinking about for the past three years

Not the way things ended

Not the way how people always leave

Not why tragedy and Me seem to walk hand in hand.........

"You Are Different"

That was the only reason TF gave me when I asked her at the end of that magical night. I never understood what she meant back then. I needed to know why so I asked her. All she did was just smile. Was it the way I treated her? Was it the things I said? What was it? What worked then that doesn't seem to work now?

Just a couple of moments ago I saw Let The Right One In, a Swedish movie about a 12 year old vampire falling in love with a normal boy (Fuck mainstream crap. Yeah I mean Twilight). When it ended I felt the situation in the movie to be so abnormal but not completely out of reach. The boy, an outcast bullied by his peers but always kind to others. The girl, innocent but with an unforgivable need to kill just to survive. Somehow somewhere they both find love in their innocence.

I'm no monster. So that rules out why I'm different. Everyone has a choice. No one is required to lie, cheat, rob, or even kill anyone else. We do so because we choose to. Just to survive. We step on others just to move ahead. The consequence never matters. What matters is in that brief moment, we are ahead. Was it because I never resort to such cheap tricks? Was it because I never walk on anyone?

A couple of days ago the girl I had a thing for told me she was going back to the first guy that she liked. The story was that they both liked each other. He decided not to be with her because of her maturity and because she is a bit of an airhead. He then pursues someone he had in mind for a long time and dates said girl. Now that they are having problems or have already broken up he decides to get back together with this girl. She didn't want to tell me in the first place because she was afraid I would get angry. All I said was that I would not like to speak to her ever again. She still talks to me though for reasons only she knows (like I said, airhead) and I told her I wouldn't entertain her any longer. She is free to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants. I meant it and when she found that out she started talking to me about her relationship with this guy. Very insensitive I know, but the whole point of me mind fucking with her is because I wanted her to learn something about herself, self respect. She keeps hoping that some knight in shining armor will sweep her off her feet and rescue her. For the first time, someone I helped learnt NOTHING. So is it because I understood people well and could be the one to talk to? Was it because I see in them what others do not?

I haven't really disclosed much about myself but since I'm not really trying to remain anonymous any longer I might as well tell you about my heritage. I have been called an Arabian, Pakistani, Caucasian, even Chinese (how the fuck do I look Chinese?) but I am an Indian dood, Sikh to be precise. Punjabi is our language not our religion. Ryan said "Hey but on some forms it's written there Punjabi what". Yeah, I love our Government too. I have said before that I'm really not a religious person but only by choice. This is because there wasn't anyone growing up that walked me through the whole thing so I figured since I know so little of it (like speaking my own language) I might as well just pray in English. Soon self discovery of the non-existence of a higher being a.k.a. God, made me abandon it altogether. I know, I can find a way to learn it again but from what I've seen it's not the religion that's the problem, it's the people I don't like. Religious hypocrites are high on my list to assassinate. Some people think I'm an Indian trying to be someone else but dood as much as I would like to entertain your "theory" this is all me. Surprise surprise huh? I answer only what I know about my religion and most of the time I get the India sesat look but hey, I don't really give a flying fuck what you think. So is this reason since TF never cared what I was and rarely even asked me about my heritage? Is it because I was so open about everything and everyone?

When the credits were rolling it hit me. Loneliness. The pain of going through life completely on your own. That was what she saw. The both of us were who we were on the outside but completely different ones on the inside. That was why I'm different. I knew exactly how she felt and she did too. Does that change things? No. Do I wish I would rewind time and get her back? No. An end to something with no end is still the end.

It made me learn something about myself though. I'm somehow attracted to damaged people. You can make an argument saying that most people are damaged anyways but I disagree. M bothered about the little things that never matter. These other two girls are the same. They aren't damaged, just young. They say that women generally mature faster than men but I feel that some girls just fall behind. They aren't mentally prepared for the fucked up-ness of life itself. When you know you can trudge safely through to the other side, that's when you know you're damaged. Why? It's because you will be changed forever. You know what you have to become to survive and you choose to change. Some people refuse to and that's when they get confused about life, the universe, and everything. Then there are some who will ignore it altogether and keep thinking that life is all birds and roses. You could say that those people are the most fucked up but they are still holding on to something and last time I checked, something isn't nothing.

So what am I trying to say? Well for one I'm a huge fucker. I am so passionate about being a romantic that sometimes I let my own emotions cloud judgement and that is when I choose to ignore that these women are not right for me. They never were. I would try and let them in and hope they will stay when I know they won't. I would talk to them and hope they learn and listen when they never do. I hope too much and that is precisely why I get frustrated easily now. I want them to see and understand that being who I am, life will always be uniquely challenging. They don't and I wonder why TF saw through me so easily. If there is one thing I can keep it would be that I hope she isn't the only one.

So this girl I was infatuated with to the point of obsession, who is she? Were my emotions clouding my judgement then? Was it because she's beautiful? That's just it, I don't know. I can't figure out why and every time I see her that same feeling in my gut reappears and stirs my curiosity. I guess what I'm trying to say is this feeling, whatever it may be, is starting to feel familiar. Something lost that I found in someone else.

Or it could just be me. Fuck would I know right?

There is also something else. I don't mind listening to anyone who feels like talking. What worries me is how sometimes people just can't get enough. I am NOT someone with all the answers. I am NOT your fucking magic 8 ball that when you need answers you come and shake and when you do, just throw at the side of the bed. I got feelings too you know. Have you ever given any thought to how if I didn't tell you the things you know it could play out differently? I can't always be the one you run to every time a problem comes up. I'm not your parent that you need me to pick you back up every time you fall down and hurt yourself. You're adults now. I know it sucks that I'm saying this, something I can't believe I'm saying either but it's time you deal with things your way. My job was to just listen, not play God.

This has been a long post. I'll just leave it with something that I read at a friend's tattoo parlour. It really caught my eye. The quote read "My tattoos aren't to show the world who I am. They are there to remind me who I am to myself".

A very good friend of mine (I miss you loads and yeah I will cheer up for Christmas) once told me that I'm the boy with his heart on his sleeve. The one who always trips and loses it.

Shou means wound, hurt, pain, injury

Shin means heart, mind, spirit

Shoushin = Broken heart

That is what I tattooed on my chest.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-30T14:29:00.004+08:00

"Maria needs to talk. Apparently she messed up so she was hoping we all could meet up sometime" - RBC

"Ok bah tu"

"You know she's actually afraid of you" - RBC

"Me? Why"

"You're always right" - RBC

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh for fuck's sake, saying I'm always right is like saying I'm Superman.

Yesterday I brought Brian out for his belated birthday celebration. I was broke on Friday so I couldn't do anything for him. Birthday's are meant to be celebrated not sitting at home doing nothing (irony). He wasn't really expecting much but in the end I think he had a pretty good time. We all did.

When we got back I talked to him about what's going on with me since he knew I was pretty edgy the whole night.....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Chill bah dood" - Brian

"I know. That guy just really annoyed the fuck out of me for some reason. I really came close to just rushing over there and pounding his ass with a jug."

"Why you suddenly so out of sorts?" - Brian

"I don't know....."

"Pasal those two girls tu kan" - Brian

"Well....... yeah, kinda I guess. I'm frustrated. I'm stuck in the fucking friend zone for everyone"

"I thought you wanted to be single?" - Brian

"Yeah I was fine. Unexpected feelings developed and right now I know no matter what I tell either of them I'm going to get the dreaded 'let's just be friends' talk"

"Some people just never know what's in front of them. Fuck them lah. You've been there for them as much as you can suda. Time to just stop." - Brian

"I know but when I know they need someone to talk to I can't stop myself from listening. It's my own fault really. I feel like I'm stuck at a standstill in my life."

"Why pula?" - Brian

"Ryan agreed that we all had a bad year. Even though he has been through a lot he still manages to come back out. You've had a tough time too but look at you now. Everything is really starting to work for you. Me? I feel like the more I try to catch up with you guys, the more I fall behind."

"Things will happen for you bah. Have faith. Keep doing what you do and stop expecting for something in return." - Brian

"I never expect anything in return from anyone but the thing is sampai bila is it going to be like that? Even a little thing would be appreciated. There just has to be something to make me feel like it is worth it"

"It'll happen bah tu. Haha, Thanks for today dood." - Brian

"Ok ba tu. Birthday's are meant to be celebrated and I really didn't want you to skip yours."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To whomever it may concern,

Kenapa saya pula yang minum banyak kelmarin!?!?!? Macam saya punya birthday pula. Stupid drinking games.

I added a song by Coldplay called Gravity. Rediscovering this song today made me listen to it again and again. Somehow it perfectly describes all the things that I want to express every time I'm near someone I care so much about but never could.

So little to say yet so hard to speak out. You may listen to the words coming out of my mouth but are you really listening? Do you really get it? Do you really get me? What more can I ask for.

I just really need you to.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-28T21:14:00.002+08:00

I'm running out of things to say.

Over the past month I have been trying really hard to keep saying the same things that I normally do that others need to hear. Sometimes it works and I am able to speak up about what I really feel but other times I'm saying crap I don't even believe in. I'm just saying it because it's what you want me to say. I guess along the line I stopped caring altogether what the consequence might be.

RBC got his ass handed to him a couple of days ago at Cyber X. I would say that I feel bad and no one deserves to get what happened to him but honestly I didn't. I laughed and joked about it and even found a small window of satisfaction that he finally got what was coming to him, karma. He is a good friend but at times he fails at controlling himself when dealing with a situation. Most of the time when all he had to do was take the higher ground and just apologize he would find a way to make things worse. Last week he even snapped at me and he should be lucky I was having a good day because if he had caught me at a lesser time I would have whacked him right there and then in the classroom. Look at what I'm saying. I am glad.

Why is this happening to me? Another I don't know.

Is this something I have to learn to deal with again? That is just so unfair.

I had to learn to grow up by myself when my family shattered. I had to learn to deal with losing good friends and surviving on my own. The hardest thing I had to learn which seemed like the hardest thing to do at the time; get over someone I loved very much.

I learned.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult for me to try and be myself around people because it's not what they want. They want the sarcastic asshole who cracks funny jokes. They want a friend who will listen. Those are the only two people I seem capable of becoming for other people. Maybe I should rephrase that. Those are the only two people I can ever be for other people.

Day after day something else frustrates the hell out of me. I dislike hypocrites but it would seem like I'm shaping up to be the biggest one. Wrongs that I would never let pass before just happen right in front of me and I couldn't care less. I am becoming increasingly incapable of caring for others.

Someone once told me that the day I start caring about myself would be the day I would find someone that would care about me. Is there really any truth in that? How would you really know if I've been taking care of myself or not. To this day I have successfully maintain this image of someone who knows exactly what he is doing and couldn't be phased. The image is starting to turn more into reality. L was right when she said I was becoming colder.

I can't even talk to my best friends about what I am truly afraid of becoming because it would seem like I could never change. I'm giving up on them because they could never really do anything to "fix" me. All I could ever find were temporary "fixes" like cigarettes and alcohol to drown myself in. Sometimes I start to just blank out in front of them. I keep to myself until they don't even notice I'm there. Even music seems to be just another temporary "fix".

I always knew that the problem is me. I always knew that I needed to fix this. Why can I help you fix yourself but I can't even fix my own damn problems?

I used to think that by being in a relationship I could find that "fix" I needed so badly. I was wrong. All it ever did was prove that there is no "fix". There never was. Maybe that is why I can't find a single reason to commit again. So save yourself the trouble of trying. I don't like this version of me but if this is what I'm supposed to evolve into then so be it.

All I can ever be is just the asshole or a friend. I can't be anything for anyone.

I guess the best version I will ever be really did die the moment I chose to do the right thing. That was as good as it could get for me.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-28T15:35:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday Brian!

Even though we are technically gonna celebrate it next week your day is still your day. Now what the fuck do I get you.

I suck with gifts. Anyone got any suggestions?

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-27T14:22:00.002+08:00

I'm not hiding anymore.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-26T15:04:00.002+08:00

I love road mixes.

It wasn't the beer that came after. It wasn't the impromptu road trip that we made to Tuaran in the middle of the night.

It was the music.

Just driving along with the music blaring on the speakers. AC/DC, Queen, even P. Ramlee.

Somehow music brings hope back when it seems lost.

"Ui, Ice Ice Baby lagi tu tiba2" - Brian

Palui

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-25T04:22:00.003+08:00

What was supposed to be just a normal badminton session pissed me off for reasons I don't even fucking know.

I'm starting to think maybe I'm fucking mental or something. I wanted to pick a fight with anyone. I didn't really care if I was kickin ass or getting my ass kicked. I just wanted to fight.

I think after years of bottling my frustration it's really starting to tip over and if I don't get my shit together or at least find a suitable outlet to let out my frustrations I'm going to be a danger to myself or anyone else.

Where the fuck did you go my peace of mind? You fuckin bitch.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-24T02:29:00.003+08:00

"I'd take it all in, every single pain imaginable just because I could not be there for you"

There comes a point where even I reach the limit of what I can do. This past week alone has been a clear reminder that no matter what I say or do, sometimes things are out of my hands and I can only hope the worst doesn't come rolling around but when it does, it's just hard to deal with.

I enjoy my conversations with Xephion. Outside of my best friends, she seems to be the only one I can be myself with. I don't know how she found the urge to find out who I am but it has resulted in me finding a genuinely great person to have as a close confidant. Just one of the many things I am VERY thankful for. So where am I going with this? Well, my PC is almost never turned off so most people who see me online can only make a guess if I'm there or not. Xephion wrote something on her personal message bar for MSN which I saw. I didn't ask her about it immediately because truth be told, I was scared of losing her. I got around to it today but she said nothing. I notice that it's when someone says to not worry about them is when there is always something to worry about. I didn't push it as I know when the time comes she will tell me about it. I just hope that when that time comes it won't be the worst. I don't need another person I care about to be taken away from me.

M once told me or rather showed me something she never told anyone about. Something she was afraid of letting anyone know as she once feared the worse. "Doesn't it just freak you out. I feel so ugly. I don't even know why I'm showing you my scars" she said. It didn't freak me out nor did I think it was ugly. In that moment as she let me into her most vulnerable point I couldn't help but love her more. I don't thank God for much but that day I did. I was glad she made it and was there in front of me, healthy and still having her whole life ahead of her. She deserved it and I stand by it till today. I am still glad I was fortunate enough to meet her, to know who she really was inside. Her family and friends never did. I only hope that she never sacrifices herself to accommodate anyone else as she has been doing for years. If there is one thing I know that got through to her, it would be that she finally understood the need for her to acknowledge her individuality and why others need to know.

"I could love you"

That's the best I could come up with. Not "I love you" or "I have feelings for you" but "I COULD love you". Who the fuck says that crap? For the past few weeks I have stood dormant next to someone helping her with her own problems, solving her relationship issues. This particular girl annoyed the fuck out of me with her childish behaviour and misguided sense of trust. Somehow along the way she started to warm up to me. Yesterday she told me something that did not make me angry or disappointed, just sad. The problem she has been having is falling for the wrong guys and most recently with someone I knew really well. That guy actually was aiming for her close friend and one night she followed him home only thinking about hanging out. That same night things suddenly got out of hand as he was telling his sob story to her about how his ex mistreated him. He kissed her, she resisted. He wanted more, she resisted. He was too big for her and he got what he wanted. She went home feeling stupid and full of regret. He tried to do the 'honorable" thing and promised her that he would take care of her. Over the next few weeks he only wanted to meet up with her and brought her only to his house. I knew what was going on but I didn't say anything. I hoped that it wasn't going to end the way I thought it could. It did.

In the end he still chose her best friend and now she is alone and feeling even more stupid for believing his lies.

I told her what would happen. Everything. Her heart overruled her head and she tried anyways. We are built to hope for the best but not on how to deal with the worst. I talked about it with her and asked her why she did not tell me about this earlier. She was afraid. Even if everything I said came true, I'm still just another guy. That's when it hit me that she was right. No matter how different I may be from the rest of them, people will still continue to assume. I told her that it really is up to her what she chooses to believe. The only thing I could say was that I genuinely felt bad that she had to go through all of that. It certainly was preventable but sometimes people can only learn from experience, even if it's really hurtful. She asked why I cared so much so I told her the truth. I care because I have feelings for her but I was never going to tell her. We're just very different people. Her well being was certainly more important than what I feel.

So why include the word 'could'? I guess the only justification behind it is I want you to try harder. Make it worth my time and only then I'll make it worth yours. Difficult to understand but that's just how it is right now. Till that day comes when that person can look past my flaws and isn't afraid would be the day I can open up again. Not feeling anything for anyone would be something I need to focus on until then. I'm still trying to get used to it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why me? You certainly don't have problems with women. You had a threesome. I really can't imagine it. Sounds gross" - LM

"It wasn't my idea. It just happened"

"So why agree to it?" - LM

"I was lonely. If for a couple of hours I can feel anything but that then I would gladly let myself be used"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That quote up above was something I once said to TF when we were apart. She got sick and was ill for quite a while and I felt really bad because I couldn't be there to take care of her and protect her. I wish bad things would stop happening to good people. If it has to happen, let me have it. All of it.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-20T19:00:00.003+08:00

Brian said he wouldn't believe me until I blogged about what happened yesterday so I guess I have to write about it. He wanted me to write about it immediately but I was too tired and drunk to do so.

So yeah, I had a threesome.

Sarcasm is harder to convey through words. I guess I'm not really that psyched about what happened. I know the normal response is supposed to be OMFG!!!! I JUST HAD A THREESOME!!! but I guess I'm not normal.

Actually I didn't even see it coming. L called me up a couple of days back needing help finding a new place so when she was in these parts yesterday we met up. She was with her girlfriend. One thing that I neglected to mention was that not long after our last encounter she somehow realized that she was into women. I know, girls don't just get married when they meet me, they turn gay. I remember thinking "Holy fuck I turned her into a lesbo" when she told me about it. Brian got a good laugh out of it.

Well anyways, Brian kept pestering me how I did it. I didn't do anything. I wasn't even expecting to get laid. It just happened. One minute we were just hanging out and next I know.... well you know what happens next.

So why am I not super thrilled about it? I don't know. Like I said I'm not normal. I wasn't having much of a good week to begin with. I also don't make lists like all guys do. You know, THE list. The one with all the things to do sexually and with whom. Never been that kind of guy.

For all you male readers out there wondering what it feels like. Well for me it was weird, tiring but definitely something worth experiencing.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You did not enjoy it? It seemed like you didn't" - L

"Why, would you say that? I did, a lot. Made my day in fact :)"

"I don't know. You just seem so different since the last time we met" - L

"I do? In what way?"

"You have this look like you've got something on your mind. You also seem distant. What happened to you?" - L

"Well, live my life and you might understand. (I filled her in on what happened) So yeah... I guess it changed me"

"That's life I guess. You never know what to expect" - L

"Yeah... like today haha. This was really something. I wonder what got into you"

"You did. You really looked like you needed it. Plus I always wanted to try it." - L

"Hahaha, getek juga kau"

"Manada! Haha. So you with anyone right now? Wait, don't tell me. You're still always alone right? Haha" - L

"How'd you know?"

"Because of this" - L

*points to the tattoo on my chest*

"So you figured out what it meant"

"I know I'm supposed to tell you that everything will be alright but I can't. What matters is we take care of ourselves" - L

"I know... I'm trying. It just gets hard sometimes. I feel like I'm constantly proving myself to someone that's never going to be there"

"Someday there will be. Have faith. Don't deny that person what she deserves from you" - L

"Till then, don't ever change"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-20T01:51:00.002+08:00

Oh yeah.

I had my first threesome.

I'm really having the weirdest fucking week ever

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-19T20:02:00.002+08:00

Just Another Conversation

"I'm starting to get annoyed with myself lately"

"Again?" - Brian

"What you mean again? Hahahaha. You know the thing with us guys always wanting what we can't have? Well I seem to take it a step further. I want to get the thing that I really really should not have. See la the other day. After so long I bumped into [censored] and I couldn't take my eyes of her."

"Haha yabahkan. Tiba2 ni terjumpa lagi." - Brian

"Then now lagi from absolutely not liking this one girl I'm starting to find her appealing. The only reason I'm not doing anything about it is because she reminds me of M"

"Why, bodo2 juga? Hahahaha" - Brian

"This one a little more. Haha"

"Then why don't you stop going for the one that you shouldn't go for and go for the one that you should?" - Brian

"I don't know. Maybe in some sort of twisted way this makes sense to my brain"

"Hmm" - Brian

"How come you're not smoking anymore?"

"Nah, haven't had one since yesterday. Trying to quit also. I figure I need to start reducing expenditure somewhere when I get the new car." - Brian

"Well yeah, you should stop while you can. At least you're going somewhere with your life. I can't."

"Tulah, addicted sudah kan." - Brian

"It's not that. It's just that my life seems to be so depressing and with that the natural need to smoke. For a moment there it seemed to be okay then now it's back to depressing, boring levels. I wish life was more like the movies."

"Why?" - Brian

"Happy endings. There isn't one for real life. At least not in my foreseeable future. I don't know who it is that said, 'It is when you've lost everything that you're free to do anything'. I've lost well not everything but close to it and right now I have no idea what I would want to do or where to start. It just doesn't seem like that opportunity even exists."

"You didn't lose your friends. Well maybe the old ones la haha. Still ada something bah tu for you out there." - Brian

"Well for now yeah, you guys are here but whose to say in the future when faced by a choice of choosing between your friends and your own happiness wouldn't you be selfish?"

"Hmm" - Brian

"You guys will be alright. At least you got something going for you and Ryan's got something going for him"

"You mean our chicks? I wouldn't put too much hope into that" - Brian

"Kenapa pula?"

"I don't know. One part of me thinks everything will work out in the end and the other part thinks that when the eventual day comes, my relationship is gonna crash and burn" - Brian

"Ah, can't help but hope. That's a good thing, I've been there with M as you've already known. Mine was legitimately founded, yours isn't. You guys have got a good thing going so it's good to hope. I mean look at Ryan also, the both of you have been in a 3 year relationship. That alone is saying something"

"Hahahaha, but diorang macam stupid punya relationship" - Brian

"Haha yeah but what works, works right?"

"Tulah that's why I say. Go find a better chick than what you'd normally go for" - Brian

"That would be impossible. Ryan's argument was it's not about the money, it's about confidence. Look how fast he turned that around. I certainly am not short in confidence. It's just the whole brain working in light speed every time I meet someone of interest. I see the whole picture and it ends the same. I'm just saving myself the trouble of going through something familiar. I just want to meet one that I can't 'see' how it ends. [censored] seems to be that one but even then I'm not being very optimistic about it. Anyways I'm hungry. I wants mah burger now!"

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-17T18:57:00.002+08:00

Oh Muse, Where Art Thou?

It's been a long time since I've been able to write what I really feel like writing. Maybe intentionally I've been skirting the issue. Maybe I just see how foolish I seem to be getting.

In a previous post I quoted myself by saying that I doubt in my ability to help others be inspired when I haven't felt inspired in months. I really haven't.

The only times I have felt truly inspired to do good and be more is when I'm with another half. It's always been like that.

Honestly, I don't think I will ever feel that way ever again. Seems like every time I meet someone of interest, the whole relationship flashes in my mind from start to finish and the end is always the same one. So far haven't met anyone where that hasn't happened. Slowly but surely that in itself has made me even more reluctant to say or do anything. When I do, I would apologize and just tell them to forget about it.

On the way back home I saw a couple on the bus holding hands. If I could take a picture of that moment, of their hands it would have been an amazing one. I stared at those two hands, fingers interlocking each other, gripping tightly but ever so gently. There would have been a time where I'd smile and be happy to witness something like that.

This time was different.

I did not feel a thing.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-16T17:03:00.002+08:00

Since I was feeling so shitty and bed ridden (well maybe chair ridden in front of the PC) the whole of yesterday, I decided to give my Mom the long overdue courtesy call that I've been avoiding for the past few weeks.

Aside from everything else being the same, I found out that my cousin's wife walked out on him. Just like that she just took her son and left for home. I do feel sorry for him but he never did try and change. He was basically forced into marriage by his parents as age was catching up with him. I wasn't the only one who thought this was a huge mistake as he never really seemed the family man type. I guess his family has to find out the hard way now.

Last week, Ryan, Brian, and me went out for a late dinner. Ryan had to send his chick to BarSu as his gf was having a post celebration party with the other models who participated in the Female Icon event. The three of us went to Burger King at Segama (I love me some BK, McD can kiss my ass) and it was there that they pointed out that another blogger (Ms. Reality Bytes) was at Upperstar. I didn't notice because I basically woke up like an hour before.

Okay, I'm gonna side track here a little but seeing other bloggers in real life is kinda fun. They don't know me but I know them. I saw Bobidom, Julian and the rest outside Shen at Halloween (I thought Julian was gonna be taller).

Well after that we picked up Ryan's chick and headed to QBall because she and her friend wanted to go there. We were bored and decided it wouldn't hurt. It turned out to be a pretty good night as I met up with a couple of friends there and even saw my cuz Max there.

It was then that we started talking about M. See Max and M have been close friends for a very long time and in a nutshell he was the one who introduced her to me. It's kind of ironic that he was the one who introduced TF to me too.

*ponders*

Well anyways he was pretty upset that she refused to answer his calls or sms's. All she did was just apologize through a random sms or two but other wise she cut him off completely. I don't know if he was more upset with what she did to me or the fact she valued their friendship so little. I didn't want to be a dick and break it to him that she didn't really care about her friends as much as they think. Even her best friend was always expendable. Well anyways, I just told him that he should just forget about it and leave her alone. Sometimes people deserve more than the truth. They deserve to have their faith rewarded.

"So howla, when you saw her did you do anything?"

"Nah, I wanted to but It wouldn't have been worth it"

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-15T14:10:00.004+08:00

I feel very awesome right now.

Woke up sick. How the fuck does that happen?

CHEEBYEEEEEEEEEEEE

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-12T17:08:00.005+08:00

There comes a point in one's life when a single defining moment somehow manages to explain everything that years of confusion, hard luck and most of all unanswered questions. I read something, a graphic novel to be exact which was brilliant. It was V for Vendetta, years before the movie came out. Throughout the entire brilliance of it one particular part hit a very personal note. Below are a couple of excerpts from that scene...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'd only told them the truth. Was that so selfish? Our integrity sells for so little, but it's all that we really have. It is the very last inch of us, but within that inch, we are free." - Valerie

"It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you." - Valerie

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why it hit such a personal note I wouldn't know. Maybe it's because the words itself were so fragile yet powerful in it's truthful nature. Maybe it's because it reflected my nature. In every person I've met, there is a part of me that can't help but see the best in them or the best they could be. Sometimes other people would questions my choices in the circles I associate myself with.

I think I finally know why I chose to be anonymous. I stated that by being anonymous it was to protect those who I have written about in this blog. That would only be half the truth as even if all of you were to know their identities, it might surprise even you so that's why I chose to protect them.

The masks.

I wondered why I use them. I realized that they were never meant for me but rather for you. Most of you have no idea where you are in life and what you want to do and I guess it's my job to be there and wear the appropriate mask and say what you need to hear. We all have our roles to play. I'm just playing whatever role you need me to.

I guess there isn't really a choice to whether I should drop everything and focus on just being myself when this is me. Am I making any sense?

It must sound a little sad as it would seem all I'll ever be doing is something for others but if you find me, if you really want to know me, dig deep. I'm deep beneath the surface. It would be wise to have a significant amount of patience and dig for as long as you can and believe me when I say that if you do I will make it worth your while. I won't just be playing a role for you, I'll be playing THE role; myself.

Just don't leave but that would be asking for too much now wouldn't it. Wishful thinking :)

So the question is why the sudden realization? I don't know. It's just in my nature I guess as you have already known I do not possess the strength to just walk away. I have to say something, I have to do something. That is why you'll probably never meet Ki//joy. I won't lie and say I'm untraceable but I am closer to you than you think. You have seen and heard me. I will say this; you WILL find me. I won't be Ki//joy though. He is merely an idea, a collective thought process that was born in this man's shell and he will always be in that inch...... free.

I was helping Shiraze with her assignment yesterday and she said something that caught me by surprise.

"You have no idea how much you have changed my perspective on life and I appreciate our friendship so much"

Flattering yes but I wouldn't say I have that effect on people. I just say what you need to hear. What you do is because you had it in you the whole time. She inspires me with her effort and vision to what she does and it really is refreshing. It's nice to see something good for a change.

"Ironic isn't it, the person who inspires lacks inspiration himself" - Me

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-09T10:33:00.003+08:00

Lately I seem to be Mr. Procrastination. When I need to do something I will be busy finishing up another thing. I blame rediscovering my love for the PSP. Brian supposed to waris suda since I haven't touched it in a long time (it was supposed to be a gift for M since she loved LocoRoco so much) but I guess I'm really starting to enjoy it again. That and Fallout 3. Speaking of which it's like so frustrating to watch Brian play Fallout 3. I feel like I wanna stab him with the mouse.

The house is empty again. Will be moving again soon for the fourth time now in 3 years. Malas eh balik2 move. Hopefully this time will be the last. Finally we will get our own place. If so memang hancur la the new place when everyone starts coming over.

I haven't been a particular good friend lately either. Xephion and I haven't had a conversation for the past few weeks now. I guess I got a little freaked out. She wanted to come over and spend Christmas with me and she wasn't really being subtle about what the approach meant either. I know we have a deal where if in 2 years the both of us are without significant others we would get married on her birthday and have wild sex in an exotic hotel but that is still a long time to come. I don't really feel like cheating. Plus she is there and I'm here. I would never ask anyone to move for me. You got your life and I got mine. Sacrificing it is a big step that I'm not prepared for YOU to make. I've also been quite a dick to RBC coz I'm still a little pissed.

I do have something to write but I'll leave it for another time. Till then I'll leave it with just this...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey, long time no see. What's up with the hair?"

"Hi! I heard you turned gay? Hahahaha" - Ms. Layness

"Eh? Manada. Sepa cakap? Ui where you running off to!?"

*waves goodbye*

*regrets not insulting her on the stupid auntie hairstyle*

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I sincerely hope she was joking or I'll shave her head bald.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-06T17:54:00.002+08:00

Answers To Questions That Never Have Answers.

"Remember me. Remember me as I am at this very moment. In the future if we ever meet again I will not be this person that you know. This is by far the best version of me that I can only hope to ever be again." - Me to TF

Ive been sick these past few days. Had another attack that was as bad as the one in February but at least I did not end up in the hospital this time. I just decided to isolate myself and keep away from anyone or any obligation. I'm glad I got over it as quickly as I did. During this time I guess I realized a few things that somehow puts comfort firmly back in it's place.

Halloween was another wasted opportunity to be part of the celebrations. It was supposed to be just the three of us best buds but I called RBC anyways with "the more the merrier "mantra in my head. Little did I know he would be the one who would fuck up the night. It all started with him wanting to bring his chick along but we were already packed in one car so I told him it would be fine if he wanted to spend time with her. He was adamant about joining us so we thought maybe she was okay with it. When we were at KK he turned a pale shade of white and naturally I asked him what was going on. Turns out he lied to her that he was never going out with us. She called his house and his parents told her he was out. So he panicked and ditched us there only to go back to have a nasty fight and break up (again). It totally ruined the night for us.

The very next day at Tanjung Aru (we had some kind of Family Day thing going on) I was still pissed off and completely exploded. Sure he apologized a lot but you just don't do that to friends. I for one don't ditch my friend and will never ditch them for someone else. I rather not go out in the beginning. I told him to make up for it with me alone his Mojito tab would be quadrupled and he gladly accepted.

"Sure, I don't mind. I'll even buy you a whole jug." - RBC

"Oh you're not getting off that easy. I'd like to enjoy my drink and you're gonna buy me every Mojito in a single glass when ever I feel like it and this is just me. You have to make it up to Ryan and Brian however they see fit."

I did warn everyone that last week I really didn't want to be fucked with. Bru Ko Tau!

I just don't understand people sometimes. He could have easily just told her the truth but he didn't. He could have continued with the lie and chose not to. I mean it's not like he went out and was fucking someone else. Is it so hard to just lie and say "I just left the house and they forced me to come?". Just a teeny tiny fucking white lie. He even had the nerve to ask me if his break up conversation was agreeable by me. WTF? Can't think for yourself is it?

The fucked up weekend was not over by a long shot. Last Sunday we were invited by a friend to attend a small gathering at my cousin's restaurant. I should have known better as it wasn't by my cousin's invitation but by one of his friends/workers. When we arrived there were two tables set up, one for family and another for friends. We sat at the friends table and I wanted to greet my cousin but he seemed preoccupied so I just greeted his parents instead. Couple of minutes later after the family table was vacated as they all went home (yeah, we went late) he came over....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey, Brian thanks for coming ah" - The Cuz

"Hey, how are you man?" - Brian

"So what are you guys doing here? You have the nerve to stop by and not even greet me and my parents. Who the fuck do you think you are? You don't even give me business. You think all of this is free? I didn't even fucking invite you guys and you, you are my cousin. What the fuck is wrong with you? Don't even have any fucking respect is it?" - The Cuz

"Excuse me? I waved at you but you were busy. I don't even know which ones are you parents. You expect me to just interrupt you and greet you? - Brian

"Yeah, I'm sorry if it seemed like we were rude but you were preoccupied. I did say hi to your parents. You can ask them if you want. - Me

"Pack everything up. I don't want you guys to continue" - The Cuz

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We honestly were confused because at first he seemed like he was joking. I mean I could accept that he yelled at us in a public place if we were being rude and disrespectful on purpose but I'm pretty sure we knew better. I was trying to be polite and not interrupt him but implying that we were freeloaders really crossed the line. Even pulling out the family card with me was complete bullshit. I mean I don't even hang out with the guy. We were invited you fucking asswipe. Luckily he didn't continue his tirade or there would've been a huge fight. His friends even apologized to us on his behalf as they claimed he was drunk. Yeah right.

"Now you guys know why I stay away from "family". Random shit like this always manages to happen."

So we come to the real reason why I chose the title for this topic. I guess it's because I might finally understand the moving on aspect of relationships. It's about letting go. The other day when I saw M at One Borneo I wasn't angry at her for looking so happy. I was angry with myself because I was glad she was. Even when I found out TF was too, I couldn't help but feel a little angry and sad at the same time but I was glad then too.

I guess even if it was at my expense I was glad that they are happy. I don't know if it is normal to feel this way even after everything that has transpired but the rationalization behind it could be that everyone deserves to be happy. They deserve happiness. It was an amazing experience to be part of my very own greatest love story, but the "happy ending" just wasn't mine to have. Not yet at least. It has always been about TF and how I could ever get over her. After a year I finally can let go and not regret anything. I finally found my peace of mind again. M was never my mistake but it wasn't the right time to dive into a new relationship again. If we were to crossed paths at this time I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have played out the way it did. Maybe she would have even chosen me but I will not delude myself into trying to believe in a possibility that doesn't exist. That chapter is over and done with.

So what now? I'm enjoying being single. The void that I thought would never go away has finally filled up and I will not deny myself completely the possibility that something could come along. I'm just going to play it on a day to day basis. Come what may, I'll still be myself and I don't think I'll ever be lost again.

"You know when you said one day my perception of how things are will change? Well it finally did and it was amazing. It was awkward as you said but other than that it was great. I finally lost it. I love you guys hahahaha" - Hakim

Glad I could be of assistance. Cherish what you have. Only you have the power to determine if it's worthless or memorable.

I want to see you
As you are now
Every single day
That I am living

Painted in flames
All peeling thunder
Be the lightning in me
That strikes relentless

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-11-02T07:01:00.003+08:00

What I got to do is find my own family.
Someone who would keep an eye open and finally let me close mine.
Who I am, what my name is irrelevant.
All that matters is that you all know I am a very passionate person.

I was born to love.

Since there were comments I guess I would keep writing but not so soon. I just wish that I could find someone or something that could inspire me into having a sense of purpose or direction. In time I will write. Just have some patience with me yea?

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-28T02:20:00.013+08:00

"Why are you so quiet?"

"Nah.... I'm just tired. I'll be alright"

What I really wanted to say was "I hate you guys". Yeah, the last 24 hours was my latest "off day". I really wasn't in the mood for the most part. I hate having those kinda days but it isn't really one of those controllable things is it now?

So why did i feel like saying that? I don't know. Maybe being alone is starting to get to me. The person who asked me that was Brian's chick. I know she was just asking out of the best of intentions but what I didn't really hate them either. It's just really hard watching how good they are together. The chemistry, body language, looks, touches, flirtations and etc.

I guess I'm really starting to miss that.

I feel like such a dick for wanting to say that to them. It just looks so easy. They have come a long way from being completely messed up to actually acting like a real couple and in reality I am glad for them as they both persevered through all the problems. Good things are never easy to come by. I still feel bad right now for being so full of hate. I don't understand why I hated watching love on display in front of me. I just absolutely loathed it.

What am I becoming?

Last night I continued my catching up with friends that I lost in touch with these past couple of months. We had a great time and had sort of like a "truth trivia" session where one of us would ask a question and the rest of us would have to answer truthfully. It wasn't so good for me as a lot of the questions were about ex's and I couldn't really lie about it so I told them what happened and got the obligatory "oh I feel so sorry for you" line. I'm starting to hate hearing that line.

When I got back though I had a pretty good chat with Shiraze on MSN. We were talking about relationships and turned out we both had a lot of similar unsolved questions that the answers we just couldn't find. At the end of it I kind of made a mistake by hitting on her. Okay, maybe it wasn't a full on approach (more of like a half hit?) and I kinda feel like I really shouldn't have done that. If you're reading this I am sorry. I really didn't mean to make it kind of weird last night. I could blame it on being high on alcohol but I'd rather be responsible and admit I said that because I wanted to for a while now. Totally out of line and I hope I didn't mess things up.

I don't get the whole moving on concept. I really don't understand why it just seems to be so easy for most people. I mean I don't think about or miss M anymore but I still feel the same way as I did a couple of months ago. I just try not to think about how I feel. So is this what moving on is about? I certainly don't feel like I've completely healed or "moved on" to a different chapter in this otherwise mundane life of mine. What is moving on?

I write crap. I'm starting to really hate my writing. It's like the last couple of posts have been really super crap. Why can't I seem to write good stuff anymore............

Lastly, I know there are lurkers who do read this blog. I got a question for you. How do I not view things in a fucked up way when that seems to be the only way things are? There is nothing more that I want but to be optimistic and view things as they are and not be jaded or bitter and spiteful but that just seems to be the person that is staring back at me. Why can't I anymore? If I can, why can't I see it or feel it? All I feel or am capable of feeling is like I'm lying in a pool of piss that is choking my god given talent with words. I haven't been able to come up with a single original meaningful thought in weeks that somehow always showed me that in this god forsaken, consumer driven, money laundering, slave driving, discriminating world we live in there is actually something worth smiling about. While making a list of things I needed to get in the foreseeable future Brian somehow thinks that a new girlfriend should be at the top of that list. I used to believe in the power of love over trivial things like money or power but if all I see are relationships of conveniences which I must add I gladly pointed out to my friends last night but even then another question that keeps taunting me is just simply, what is really the point? Let's just say there weren't all too happy after hearing that piece of information. I guess the look on their faces proved my point. Love is convenience, not romance or something unexplainable. So then what really is the point in settling for convenience when what clearly stimulate this man's heart and mind is love. I am doomed and you know it. I'm looking for what can't be found. Maybe even the idea of love was greatly exaggerated by every poet or writer known to us. What I know and what I have felt is truly not an exaggeration but what I see and feel now is another thing entirely. So then answer my questions and help me out with this conundrum of sorts.

Why can't I see past the fucked upped-ness of modern courtship? Where has it gone? How do I get it back? Why does love keep eluding me, driving me to the point of mental destruction? All is fine with the first love but what I'm looking for and will always is the last. Having faith in that is tough because each relationship I've witnessed is the last and so is the one after that, and the one after that. Promises are made each time and with that the everlasting question that taunts us all is how do you keep a promise from being broken?

Sacrifice. I've had my share and each time another piece of me is lost trying to fulfill them. Are you willing to do the same? I thought that by being a man of my word I have to give everything in preserving that trait. So far I've lost more than I've gained and am still losing till this very day.

This blog will and always be the only window into my head, something that is impossible to allow in person. I refuse to look at anyone in the eye directly because I believe in the old saying that the eyes truly are the windows to ones soul. Maybe that is why I'm so utterly fascinated with yours.

So if this is the real me then who am I in person? Always two different people. Once used to be trapped in my head, now trapped in this blog for you to read.

Oh yeah, I finally told someone my "grand plan" accidentally. I smoke tons each day. There is a reason behind that. Most of the people I know think it's because I'm addicted. Truthfully, it's because that is how I'm committing suicide, right in front of your eyes and you don't even notice it. That's why I smoke insane amounts and force myself even when I can't take it anymore. There was a time when I even started coughing blood because of it.

Why? If there really is something for me out there then maybe I can be "saved" or some shit like that. If there isn't then I'll gladly just die. Simple as that. Stupid yes but like I have said before....

Sometimes doing the stupid thing is necessary

No new posts till you give me a reason why I should keep writing. I really feel like I'm not going anywhere nor do I have anywhere to go to. So what's the point? Truth is I don't believe in my own words anymore. I don't believe that they carry any weight behind them or any convictions that might suggest I'm still holding fast to who I am. I don't even believe in what I supposedly believe. Completely lost I must say. Devoid of any ethic, principle, conviction, belief, faith, and hope. I have lost the most important thing that assures my continued existence. Myself.

Now I'm neither the man in my head or the one on the outside. A failed meld that resulted in neither getting the best of both worlds.

So no more words.

No more music.

Just silence.

Till Next Time?

Ki//joy

2008-10-26T19:03:00.000+08:00

Just something I thought was pretty cool......

Once upon a time, pretty Polly Nomial was skipping through a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never entered such an array without her brackets on. But Polly had changed her variables that morning and had been feeling particularly badly behaved, she ignored her mothers's condition on the grounds that it was insufficient, and made her way in among the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She grew tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, three branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point, she oscillated wildly and lost all sense of directrix. She tripped over a square root protruding from the erf, and tumbled headlong down a steep gradient. When she was once again in possesion of her variables, she found herself apparently in a non-euclidean space. She was being watched, however: that smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she convergent? He wondered. He decided to integrate improperly at once. Hearing an improper fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could tell at once from his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was bent to no good.

"Eureka!" she gasped.

"Ho, ho," said our operator. "What a symetric little asymptote you have. I bet your angles are just dripping with secs."

"Stay away from me!" she said. "I haven't got my brackets on."

"Calm yourself, my dear," he said. "Your fears are purely imaginary."

"I, I," she thought, "Maybe he's not normal..Maybe he's even a homomorphism."

"What order are you?" the brute demanded.

"Seventeen," she replied.

Curly leered. "Enough of this idle chatter. Lets go to a decimal place I know, and I'll take you to the limit."

"Never!" she gasped.

"Arcsinh!!!" He swore the vilest oath he knew. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. She could feel his hand tending towards her asymptotic limit. The algorithmic method was now her only hope. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.

Curly's radius squared itself. Polly's loci quivered. He intergrated by parts. He intergrated by partial fractions.The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour intergration. Curly went on operating until he was completely and totally exhausted of all his primitive roots.

When Polly arrived home that night, her mother noticed that she had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. Nine transformations later, she went to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left zeros and residues all over the place and drove poor Polly to deviation.

The moral of this story is: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, keep them well differentiated from complex operators.

2008-10-26T03:12:00.001+08:00

A Kindness to Hope For

Sometimes I wonder where and when I'll actually bear witness to someone being kind for a change. When it does happen though it's only the little things that people seem to be capable of doing. Like giving their seat to the elderly or just a comforting smile to a complete stranger. Nothing bigger, more worthy of genuine praise (I'm not saying being courteous isn't praiseworthy).

Get what I mean? No? Well that's alright.

The reason why I don't feel as close as I should to my supposedly 'best friends' is because there are times where I feel like I don't know them at all and vice versa. I will not complain though as that will only rock the boat. We are 3 completely different people who manage to connect on some level but somehow I feel like sometimes I'm always the odd one out. I guess whatever normal is, I'll never break that barrier. I can't ever feel like I truly belong or accepted. I don't really care but sometimes you just feel the need to be a part of something.

I want to write about something but somehow I get the feeling that if I do, It'll be like I'm bringing up the past and trying to demand for something.

I helped you get back on your feet. When you were broke I always got you fed and even though it was always at my expense I didn't mind. I rather the both of us be broke then to just watch you suffer on your own. I am trying to be a good friend. I thought that if I got your back then surely you got mine too. The ignorance you and your chick displayed yesterday was admirable. Thank you for your kindness. Is it too much to ask that this time you got my back?

Now I'm back to being uninspired. Brain is on overdrive and it's a mess up there. I can't really think right now.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-24T10:26:00.002+08:00

Good Morning Life

Another new morning, another new day.

I might have been unethical in my pursuit of information yesterday but when I need to know something I'd be damned if I didn't find out. I just needed to know if TF was alright and that I made the right choice. For now it is. I called up an old acquaintance, a senior at work when I was working as an Audit Assistant. In only four months we developed a very close relationship and on my last day at work she was sad to see me leave.

"Don't leave. You're like the first assistant who isn't incompetent and you make the office fun. It's going to be so dull now."

Yeah, I miss it too.

So after so long I gave her a call...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey, remember me?"

"Hi! Of course how are you?" - J

"I'm good and you? Still working at the same place?"

"Yeah.... What about you? Working already?" - J

"Yup, full time haha. Um, I need to ask you for something and I hope you don't mind. How is TF doing?"

"She's doing great. She has a kid already. A baby girl" - J

"Oh yeah? That's great. What's her daughter's name?"

"Um... I forgot already Hehe. She is still working here coz she got lots of outstanding work to do before she resigns." - J

"Hmm okay. Thank you. I just needed to know she was okay."

"Um...... I have a recent picture of her. I can send it to you if you want?" - J

"Sure"

"On second thought maybe I shouldn't. I mean she is married already. What use is it to you anyways right?" - J

"Well that's okay. Don't worry about it"

"Errr...... ok lah. I'll send it to you but don't tell anyone you got it okay?" - J

"Don't worry I won't. I'll never find her and she will never find me. Never tell her I asked how she was okay? And thank you so much"

"Wait, where are you now?" - J

"Not home, somewhere else. It's best you don't know. Take care."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope she never tells. I don't want to cause any trouble or start something that can't be fixed. I'm not in her life anymore and I want it to stay that way or at least keep her thinking that way. I did get the picture and she looked very happy in it. She is going to be a great mom :)

It's a Friday. Another birthday today and another party to go to. It seems like since September it has been birthday weekends non-stop. Ahh well at least I'll be able to have some sort of temporary fun while it lasts.

I've also been trying to work out. It all started with Brian's chick making another proclaimation that she wants to lose weight. So I thought of a bet to motivate her since she has been saying the same thing all the time. These were the terms;

My prom is going to be on Dec 6 and I invited them to come if not for the prom then the after party. So if she didn't lose weight by then she will owe me and Brian a bottle of anything we want at the after party. If she won I would buy her any dress she wants and Brian will pay for the whole "spa" treatment she wanted.

So we started working out together so we knew she wasn't cheating and coz she needs the extra motivation. Well, maybe like we needed to work out too. I want to get in shape. I got the height and I think it's about time I got lean.

During the whole work thing last week I met a girl, the same girl I talked to Brian about in a couple of posts back. She had beautiful eyes (can't resist them mysterious eyes). I was the one who noticed her at first before the others and as soon as I mentioned it every guy seemed to be crawling up to her trying their luck. It wasn't until the last couple of days that I went and talked to her. Turned out that it was her birthday. I never approached her officially though coz I didn't want to be stepping on my friends toes but what surprises me how people always look for length that ultimately defines the relationship itself. With her it's the same. I asked her just one question to which she never replied and I never talked to her since not out of disappointment but I really couldn't have cared less.

"So tomorrow will probably be the last day we will be working together. One day to get to know you. Should I even try?"

It's never been about how long you've got to spend. It's always about how the time was spent.

Gotta go see Ryan before the party. Seems like Brian's luck and mine has transferred to him. He got in a pretty nasty car accident and got injured. Poor guy.

"Welcome to being 23. I hope it's way better for you than it was for me"

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-23T21:55:00.002+08:00

For some reason, I needed to know but I couldn't ask her directly So I made a few calls and found out what I was looking for. I'm glad I did.

I'm glad you're doing alright.

I always knew it was going to be a baby girl.

....... :)

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-23T02:27:00.005+08:00

The universe just vanished out of sight
And all the stars collapsed behind the pitch black night
And I can barely see your face in front of mine
But it is knowing you are there that makes me fine

Warmer Climate - Snow Patrol

Added 4 songs by Snow Patrol. Warmer Climate is an old one but a favourite. The other 3 is from their upcoming album. Finally figured out how to put my own music onto playlist.

I feel the need to write. The need to blog about what is so troubling around me. Maybe not this time eh? It's just sad sometimes.

I'll just end it with this thought......

You are such a precious and beautiful creature. Why is it that I seem to be the only one who sees every one of you as you are. I know this means nothing coming from an anonymous ghost but I hope that when you, who ever you may be reads this, take comfort in knowing that there is someone who sees into you. So keep smiling and never lose that glow.

In a way seeing you happy makes me happy. I just wish some of you can see what I see.

p.s. I feel like since joining this college I've actually managed to get dumber. What tha fuck!?!?

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-22T02:10:00.002+08:00

Into The Rabbit Hole

(This draft has been hanging around for a week now. Wasn't sure how to continue it and finish it)

I wasn't quite sure on how to start this post.

I feel like for the past few weeks Ive kind of lost more of myself through new found optimism. I don't know where I'm heading nor do I know if I'm going in the right direction. I guess I'll just keep following the "rabbit".

So the job turned out okay even if it was part time. At times my mood was so erratic that one moment I would be flirting around and the next trying to find isolation. I kept trying to find inspiration to write from and sure enough I did find it. While I was outside of Jaws smoking, I saw something that stirred a few past memories.

Through the window I saw a woman carrying her child, showing him the underwater wildlife in the restaurant's aquarium.

Maternal love.

I feel like I'm becoming increasingly lost in trying to search for myself. Taking time off and doing anything out of my mundane routine seems to highlight how much a couple of years has changed me so much. This expo has been both a blessing and a curse. I learned that I could talk to people effortlessly and at the same time be forced to watch their happiness.

Family.

Most people who know me knows that I don't have a close relationship with my family. That doesn't mean I never cared. When I was back in Labuan a couple of months back I told my Mom about how everything I did even though it seemed like I was messing around, was for all of them. I always cared.

I almost had a family of my own.

In the past I wrote how she wanted to have a child with me. She wanted nothing more than for us to have something that will always remind us of what we had. She didn't mind that she'd have to go through the whole pregnancy thing and endure the agony of it.

"Let me grant you this gift so you will always remember our love. Please, let me do something for you."

Seeing that woman with her child made me think of how TF was doing. I keep going out because I want to bump into her. I can't call or text her because I know she won't ever answer or reply me back. It's been over a year and I haven't bumped into her once. I never understood why she wanted to make such an important choice. Maybe she knew of the choice I made. Maybe she knew it was going to always be this hard for me. Sometimes I wished I said yes and maybe, just maybe she would still be here with me. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her.

I knew growing up would be complicated. I just didn't expect it to be this complicated.....

I've lost faith in keeping faith in God (if you are real you could have at least tried to help)

I've lost faith in family (growing up in a semi-broken family does that to you)

I've lost faith in friends (sorry guys. You are the closest thing I have to family but even then it's hard to trust you completely.)

I've lost faith in marriage (seen too many broken ones)

I've lost faith in being a father (After what I've been through, I doubt if I'm even capable of being a good one)

and lastly, I've lost faith in relationships (Thank you M)

If there is one thing I can expect is that everyone leaves. I would love to continue being an idealist and keep believing that my best friends would never desert me but that would be impossible. Everyone will always follow their own selfish needs. Sometimes I wonder if I missed my chance to have a normal life or maybe I was never meant to have one at all. Xephion said that I will never turn into a bad person because I'm afraid of turning into one and acknowledged it. I'm not so sure. It scares me now more than ever.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So how? Did you manage to get the girl you liked?" - Brian

"Nah, it was so obvious she was with him. I didn't try to approach her or anything though. I just talked to her to get a feel of the situation. Same thing, money trumps everything."

"Ah well, fuck her lah. You'll find another." - Brian

"I'm not so sure. It keeps becoming this all too familiar story with each of them. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother."

"That's the problem isn't it? To tell you the truth, the 'middle class' bullshit they talk about doesn't exist anymore. It's only the rich and the poor, the have's and the have not's." - Brian

"I know. I don't mean to be a stereotype here but rich girls have a different taste to the life they want to live. Poor girls want to be with the rich crowds. So basically I'm kinda screwed. I mean come on, how hard is it to find a girl who has wit....."

"Wit like a fox, that is cunning, like a fox, which is the fox." - Brian

"Hahahahahaha, drunk bastard."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday after he had a fight with his chick he asked me if I was glad I was single.

I do miss having good company but for the time being I am happy being single. It's always hard for me. A girl I'm in love with will always be this precious thing in my arms that I'm afraid of breaking. How ironic it is that I'm the one who ends up being broken.

Right now I'm not even sure if I'm capable of being a good person. Where has the goodness of life gone? Why won't you show me how beautiful life can be anymore?

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-16T14:31:00.009+08:00

After 3 days of insomnia I finally fell asleep.

Sometimes I wonder why bother telling stories when the story keeps getting regurgitated. Everyone has a different story, unique to their own individual life's choices. So why is it that with the infinite amount of choices that one is presented with everyone eventually arrives at a point where the story is so similar to those of others. I used to think that although most people eventually go through that particular event and learn something from it, why is it suddenly becoming an epidemic that everyone goes through. I used to think that there was hope for another path and that not everyone has to go through the foolish choice of making a stupid mistake knowingly. In recent time it would seem that that 'hope' is no more. The more I meet the more their stories seem so alike and the same stupid choices are made. It really bothers me why everyone seems to be making the same mistake. Everyone seems to be holding on to this misguiding hope that even if another failed he/she will be able to make it work.

You fucking fools.

I tried to help. I tried to open your eyes. I knew that you wouldn't understand or even try to consider the possibility of what you're feeling is impairing your judgement on whether or not what you are doing is best for you. You sit in front of me and cry. You sit there and ask me what you should do. I tell you exactly what you should do but you never listen.

No one ever listens.

Ah fuck it lah. Malas mau layan stupidity again and again. It's starting to annoy the fuck out of me pula. Macam no point nih trying to be a good friend.

I'm not asking for much. Just show me something that is totally worth watching. I'm tired of the normal. The normal ISN'T normal or at least it shouldn't be.

So give me something really worth writing about. I feel so dried up because it's just tiring watching the same thing again and again continuously repeating itself with everyone. Maybe that's why I'm afraid of getting back in the game. Maybe that's why I keep skimming the surface but never diving in head first. Someday things are going to change and I'm going to meet someone who at least has some sort of reasonable deduction skills to see that for what it's worth, the whole fucking game sucks. That day feels like it's going to take a very long time to come.

Let's just face it. I keep hearing on how everyone complains about how they feel cheated or lied to and have trust issues but for fucks sake you knew about it yet still went for it. Just because the car has air bags doesn't mean you have to drive it into a damn wall. Fuck lah.

I'm not diving in because I don't want to be trapped in the cycle I was before. I don't want to be you. I know the reason I kept getting referred to as a playboy is because I'm the type of person who could get laid whenever I want to but guess what, I don't really give a crap lah. I mean I see it all the time with my friends and I see the action and reaction aspects of it and it's nothing to aspire to.

Truth is I did meet someone. I may have developed some sort of connection or feelings and I don't mean to sound judgy but I see right through her. I can already imagine if we get involved it's just going to be a regurgitation of past events. It disappoints me ya know?

Why is everyone suddenly becoming so one dimensional?

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-15T23:39:00.003+08:00

Weird day. Just got back from work.

I was asked if I was a foreigner. I was told I'm the perfect example of a New Yorker. I was flirted by hot businesswomen. The second one was hot as hell and gave me the "i want to fuck you "smile. I don't know, am I flirty? I consider myself just being friendly and doing my job. Nevertheless it was a pretty fun day.

Too tired to blog.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-15T02:27:00.003+08:00

Feeling so retarded in the inspiration department right now.

I haven't gone to work for the past two days. Probably because what happened on Sunday. I don't know why it started hurting again and somehow it scares me a little. It shouldn't hurt anymore but it does. When I got the call from RBC I changed so drastically that it stunned my friends. I'm always so cheerful and happy and shut everything and everyone immediately. Why?

I had a little chat with Brian yesterday. He said I should try changing my perspective to that of M never really took the relationship seriously, that I was only to pass the time. That only makes it worse. I do admit though that she was my mistake. I rushed into something when I was still hurting and managed to make it worse. I cared so much about being something to someone that I never considered being something for myself. Why is it so hard for me? Why do I still care? Why do I hate that she is happy but not hate her as a person instead?

So what have I been doing this past few days? Well I have insomnia so I'm sleeping in the day again. I don't know how or why but I think it has something to do with Sunday. I feel so exhausted right now but I just can't sleep. Ryan is going back this Saturday so this week will be like his farewell week. Last night we went to Sushi King in city mall and honestly the place kinda sucks. I mean I love sushi but the place just wasn't that great. While we were smoking outside I even managed to dodge a bullet. Ms Reality Bytes and Mr Impedius went in for dinner right after us so i still get to keep my identity a secret (Phew!)

Today, we went to Shamrock at 3 in the evening to have an early drinking session. Made a new friend and again the same thing baffled me. She is beautiful, intelligent, outgoing, easy to talk to and she kept going back to the same guy who isn't exactly boyfriend of the year material. How do I know this? Well I know the boyfriend and the benefit of being me is information always gets by me so I know all your dirty little secrets. I used to get pissed off when this situation happens but now I couldn't care less. Girls will always be dumb when it comes to matters of the heart and the "awesome girl has a loser guy" syndrome is so common that it's become normal. Sad but that's the way the world works now.

Another girl called me a playboy again. I guess I really look the type. I think I want to move on and am ready for a new relationship and have two people in mind. Problem is both aren't really my type anymore. I really don't want to do rescue projects as I just can't invest so much time and effort into something so uncertain. Well it is predictable as what would happen is I "fix" them and they leave. I want to care but when I even start to feel a little something my gut feeling is telling me it's the wrong move. I guess love has become the wrong motivation.

After all, love is never enough. Seen it everywhere with everyone. So why keep hoping or holding onto an ideal that's long extinct right? What do you think?

I guess I'll be awake all through the night. I don't know if I'll be going back to work.

I hate being so fragile. I know I should be stronger but I don't know where I can draw the strength from anymore.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-13T16:32:00.002+08:00

100th post - The Perfect Day

I've been working at 1Borneo since Friday for the SIE thing. My college told us that it would be a good experience and we'd get 500 bucks for 10 days work, lunch and dinner provided. When we got there, we had to pay for everything on our own. The whole time I had to pay for myself and support my friends because they are just kids and students at that. I mean takkanlah I just let them starve right? Yesterday we called the college councilors down and had a chat with them about what's been happening. When they were with us they agreed with us and when they went to talk to the organizers they were telling a different version. I got really pissed off coz it seemed like we were being exploited and our college knew about it. It really fucked up the experience.

I was pissed off but still could make the best of it. I was still joking around trying to cheer everyone up. I even got on Hakim's nerves. See, the night before I told Brian about his peeve with his chick. So Brian asked me something that I thought was very funny. So I asked Hakim...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So you know how you would feel weird if your chick has ever had sex before and it would bother you?"

"Yeah, why?" - Hakim

"Well, what if she's ever given a blow job and you've kissed her before haven't you? How does that make you feel now?"

"Sial!!! Haha, Now I can't stop thinking about it." - Hakim

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So while I was just doing my job and having a good time with my friends, RBC called.......

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Uh dood, I'm with Grace right now at KFC. Perhaps it would be a good idea if you didn't stop by around this area." - RBC

"Why? What's up?"

"M is here. With her family." - RBC

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hung up the phone. For some reason I wanted to see it for myself. I haven't talked or seen her since the break up. So I walked over and wanted to sit at RBC's table (coz it was next to hers). While standing in line at the counter I looked over and saw her. She looked so happy and cheerful and beautiful as ever. There were smiles and laughter all around the table.

It looked so easy.

Why I went is still a mystery to me. I didn't even order and just left. It was 5 in the evening and already I needed a strong drink.

Not in the mood to write anymore.

Where you are it must not look so bad
Or why would you do it
When you know I feel it

Safe, Sound - Trespassers William

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-11T01:09:00.004+08:00

Old Habits Die Hard, New Ones Are Born Every Day

I went to sleep at 5 yesterday hoping to skip the job that I was supposed to do just a couple of hours later because I thought that maybe I should just stay hidden or inactive from the real world. Only after waking up the next morning did I realize that I didn't really care about what would happen if I did go out and start doing stuff that I wanted to do. I wasn't as afraid as I was before and that if I wanted to try and change my life then I really should start somewhere. So I got off my lazy ass and took the bus to the city. The next bus to One Borneo was going to be in an hour so I stopped by Starbucks and got myself an Iced Vanilla Latte and a slice of Blueberry Cheesecake. So I sat and waited alone and I thought to myself how good it felt to just do whatever I wanted to and get whatever I wanted to get. Usually I will be the one hesitating on ordering anything when my friends and I go out because I never know what to get. This time I knew exactly what I wanted and I got it without thinking twice. Such a simple thing, eating a slice of that cheesecake making me feel happy. Maybe weird and nonsensical but I guess that's part of life's charm.

"I love words. To me words are the most powerful thing in the world"

Okay, I'm gonna sidetrack a little here but a couple of days ago at college we were introduced to a new lecturer. The guy claimed that he was more of an introvert and his favourite hobby was playing Scrabble online. Apparently he was quite good at it. When it was time for us to introduce ourselves he wanted to know our names, race, hobbies and where we were originally from. When it was my turn, I said all of those but when it came to my race I decided to include that I'm an agnostic. He went all blank and asked what it meant.

Yeah, a self proclaimed Scrabble regular and he doesn't even know what agnostic meant. What a douche.

Now back to my original post. I took the bus to One Borneo and apparently after being late for 6 hours on the first day of a new job, I didn't miss a thing. Talk about incompetent management of resources. We were getting paid for a whole day of walking around the place. Well anyways when we were just sitting around doing nothing a friend came up to me and we had this conversation....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, what's the story with you and your 'bunny' dood. Whatever happened to that other girl you were interested in?"

"Well, this girl was always around and we got close. The one I'm really into at Kuching..... well let's just say that we still keep in touch. My mom actually told me to get to know them both better and pick the one that I liked best. It wasn't until RBC told me to go for the 'bunny' that I finally decided. I'm actually more into the one at Kuching but the distance is just an issue." - Hakim

"So you hooked up with a new chick and didn't even bother to tell the other one? Wow, that's pretty cold dood. Well since you got into this mess you probably should just drop the interest with the Kuching girl and after a while then only break the news to her that you're seeing someone new. If you do it now it's really gonna break her heart. You shouldn't have put yourself in this position."

"Yeah, I dunno. I didn't expect it to be this complicated. It just kinda happened. Can I ask you something else though? How many people have you had sex with?" - Hakim

"Uh, 3? First was a long time ago then the second was my gf of 2 years and the last would be the one night stand I had in February."

"Was it good? The one night stand I mean?" - Hakim

"The sex was good but aside from that I didn't really feel anything. It was like eating. You eat and don't ever think about it again."

"If you got married and found out your partner had sex before you did, would it bother you? Do you think the 'bunny' has ever had sex before?" - Hakim

"If it were me I wouldn't really care. I mean it depends really. I wouldn't mind if she'd had experience but I would if she's been like sleeping around with anyone and everyone. The 'bunny'? Well, she does look attractive enough to have gotten laid before know what I mean? Why?"

"I dunno. It's just that I kinda wanna ask her that question. It's been bothering me. She is older than me too. I mean you know I'm a virgin and I do want to get laid but I've been more of the conservative type. I want to wait till I get married. I'm afraid that she isn't........"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We got interrupted by someone else and changed the topic. I really wanted to know why it bothered him so much so I waited till dinner to ask him about it...........

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Dood, we didn't really get to finish our conversation before. So why does it bother you so much if she has experience?"

"I dunno. Maybe it's coz you know I'm conservative and I have the whole abstaining till marriage thing." - Hakim

"So if you found out she wasn't a virgin would you break up with her?"

"Yeah" - Hakim

"What? Why? Okay, firstly never ask her that question. If you don't like the answer it's going to eat at you and bother you throughout the relationship. That's never a good thing. Secondly, so what if she has experience. I bet you didn't know my ex (M) was a muslim. We did do some stuff and even though we never got as far as sex but it made her feel bad. I got it that she had certain values and principles she wanted to hold on to and that made me love more about her. So I told her that it was okay that we didn't do anything and whatever we did do wasn't out of lust but more towards loving affection. I was in love with who she was, not her hot body. You getting my point? So what if your 'bunny' has experience. She might have given it up to the one she loved. People do it all the time and never know how things end up. So don't judge her. Get to know her more. You're only having this mindset because you're like what 18? When you get older I guarantee it will change and trivial things like this won't matter anymore."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's hard not to care when all I ever see is just people wandering aimlessly and not knowing what to do. Today, he wasn't the only one who needed my advice. Seems like everyone needs someone to talk to and I guess I'm that guy. I don't know if what I'm saying is the right thing and as Ryan puts it my "self righteousness is as inspiring as it is pretentious" but I just can't sit down and not say something when I know they are making a mistake. It's in my nature.

Old habits die hard indeed.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-08T18:56:00.005+08:00

Some Things Are Meant To Be Remembered

I finally got what I wanted to write about back.

Let's just start with a conversation I had this morning...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Like what's going on? Something bad happen?"

"No, it's nothing. I just need to talk about something with someone"

"Well since you won't tell me directly maybe I should just ask. Did you or did you not get knocked up?"

"........ I was.... pregnant. Not anymore"

"Jesus kid..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That "kid" was a cousin of mine. She goes to the same college I do. Enrolled a couple of months ago. It's funny how some people grow up so fast. She has always been that annoying little kid that never stops bothering me whenever we meet. Now she is this young woman who spills her heart out almost in tears about how the person she loved got her pregnant and left her to deal with it alone. I hate it when this kind of shit happens, especially when it's to people I know. I found out about it when I met a college mate in town last week. I knew it was true. I was just hoping that it wouldn't be this bad.

Over the years a lot of bad shit has happened. Remember when I said there used to be 5 of us going out all the time? There was actually 6. The sixth one however didn't last very long after what happened to her. I wasn't there when it happened but the story goes like this; the five of them (excluding me) went to Upperstar for some drinks. That girl decided to leave to meet a friend. A couple of hours later she came back and was crying really badly. When asked what happened she said she got raped. My friends couldn't find the guy who did it coz he vanished. We felt bad coz we always looked out for her and Natalie coz they were like our sisters. I even remembered the first time she went out with us and Shen was pretty crowded so I told her to hold my hand so she wouldn't lose track of us. What disappointed us was how she handled it. After that day, she just lost herself. She went out the next week and got fucked by some random dood. We haven't brought her with us ever since. Couple of years ago (around the time when that incident with H happened) there was another girl. called C and she was H's best friend. When H and her best friend came down, there was this old dood with C. I was feeling weird coz the guy was fucking old like in his forties so I asked H what was the deal. She made me promise not to do anything before she told me and I regret I did. Back in KL, C went out with that old guy and was just friends at the time. One day, she wanted to go home to get something she forgot so the old guy offered to take her. When they got there the old guy raped her. C was traumatized for weeks and only told H about it a few days after it happened. Somewhere along the line the old guy apologized and offered to take care of C and apparently she forgave him and that's how they became a couple. I wished I didn't promised H as when we were all at the supermarket buying stuff I wanted to just walk over to the hardware section, grab a wrench, and just beat the shit out of the guy right there and then.

It bothers me when things like this happen. It kills me not to do anything. Recently someone I barely knew told me everything that has happened to her and it was so sad and tragic. Luckily she didn't end up like the other 2 above and still has a a lot of self respect for herself. Knowing these things even if it happened a long time ago just gets me all boiled up inside. I know I don't know her that well but I don't know why I have the urge to give her the revenge she deserves. Even me being a guy, there is just some things you do not do, period. Seeing those people she told me about walking around with smiles on their faces like they never did anything wrong in their life sickens me. Things like this shouldn't happen to good people. Someone should have known and stood up for her. Someone should have protected her. It's easy to tell which people have fake or real smiles. Even though she is cheerful sometimes it's easy to see how sad she is through her smile.

Recently, I haven't been hanging out with my best friends. Ryan seems to be all emo and shit just because he fucked up his own birthday and seems to be blaming it on us. "Next year I think I'll celebrate in KL" he says. Go ahead dood, whatever makes you happy. Brian has been spending quality time with his chick and honestly I'm really glad. Does that make me feel lonely? Well, kinda I guess.

So what's been going on with me? Nothing much besides the tattoo. Brian wanted to get me inked as a gift and it's great coz I wanted to get inked myself for the longest time. I found the perfect one and got it done. I had another reason to do it though. I wanted it to hurt like a bitch. I needed it to hurt. It didn't. I barely felt anything and got used to it so quick I almost fell asleep. I wanted it to hurt because I wanted to feel something. When I was in love I felt the warmth and something so strange yet amazing it's indescribable. When I was all broken up inside I had the pain and sorrow to dwell in. Right now I feel nothing at all, just numb.

So what did I choose for my tattoo? That I will never tell. Brian and I had this joke where the only person to ever know what it means would be the person who sleeps with me. That I'm not so sure about. I can't tell you what it is but I can tell you why. I wanted to mark myself like those Scarlet letters back in the day. This mark though wasn't for others but for my own reminder. I want to be reminded that I can't be the person I used to be anymore. I have to be reminded that I have to stop caring. I need to be reminded that feeling numb will always be better than what I've felt before. I know what I'm choosing will not be the best choice or will ever be one. I did warn you that in time the eventuality of the consequence of your choices will manifest. Looks like that time has come.

Have I become mean and bitter? I guess I have. No more chances or hope. I'll never even let you get close enough to try and dig me out. Who am I kidding. How can you help something you can't even see.

Welcome to the real world kid. A world where we'd fuck over each other and couldn't care less about the consequence.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-07T04:56:00.003+08:00

"So doc, am I losing teeth?"

"Err, what? no. You got perfect teeth, not even one filling."

*celebrates still having all of my teeth*

Second birthday present = Got Inked. I'm really loving it.

Third = Would be on Saturday.

Semester starts today. Got lots to blog but just don't want to.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-04T18:33:00.002+08:00

ONLY

I decided to add this song because what I like about Nine Inch Nails is how their songs can be interpreted differently every time. It can be interpreted as self reflection, relationships or even friendships. It's up to your own interpretation what this song might mean to you. I added the video because I thought it was exceptional and was directed by David Fincher (Se7en, Fight Club, Zodiac, and the upcoming The Curious Case of Benjamin Button).

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-04T17:16:00.002+08:00

A Necessary Evil

I used to be a pathological liar. It started from protecting my family from themselves, lasted through middle school and ended in my first college stint. The thing about lying is when you get so good at it you can't help but analyze your own lies. You actually start to tell the difference between white lies and normal ones to consequential ones. The consequential ones are the type of lies where the person you're lying to is actually being pushed to do something without them actually knowing it.

So why did I quit? I couldn't stand it anymore. The inevitable 'snowball effect' from lying became so ridiculously easy to instigate that it started becoming terrifying. People don't care if what you tell them is the truth or not. You just tell them whatever they want to hear and in the end they act according to their own predetermined course of action. You know what I'm talking about. When you realize something you automatically come to a conclusion on how you would like to go about doing it. You look for confirmation from a third party then you put your plan into effect. The 'Commercial Effect'. You see something on the television and you're curious but in the back of your mind you already start thinking up ways on how to use the product on sale or actually not give a rat's ass about it and ignore it but somewhere along the line you will join the fan boy/girl hate club for said product. You have it all worked out in your head already. So when you meet someone and by some random chance discuss the product your actions are actually based on what the third party will say. Reaffirming your stance or further doubting it.

So why suddenly am I talking about this? Remember when I said I was too honest for my own damn good? Just because I'm honest it doesn't mean I won't know if you are lying and this is the problem. It's easy to accept it when a complete stranger lies to you because who gives a fuck about them right? They are no one, but when your own friends start doing it to you it's just disappointing. Aqmal used to do it so embarrassingly obvious that I got bored of it and just ran along with his lie. Along the years more and more prop up and I just go along with it. I do have my limits though.

The line is drawn when it comes to the people close to me.

I have no idea why some people can be so inept. You lie, I always know. Let me repeat that. I ALWAYS KNOW but that doesn't stop you from trying either. Even when you know I'll know you still go and do it anyways. Even if it manages to get by me it always comes back to me eventually and we have to go through the whole song and dance routine again and again and again.

Why do you think I always say I am alone. Yeah, I have good friends but even I don't even trust them completely. They only know about me from the point they first met me and nothing before. Everyone will always be an individual entity with choices to make. Everyone will make the choice based on their best interests. In the end I will be the one expendable for your selfish choice.

Everyone.

Oh and another thing. I notice some individuals like to use the phrase 'cliche' to such a smothering effect. Just because you're into indie music and your interest is unique does not make you an exception. You're just a cliche of another cliche. We're all built from parts of cliche from those before us so shut the fuck up and stop acting like you're special coz you're not.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-04T12:01:00.002+08:00

These past few days I didn't actually know what to blog about. The last few posts have been kind of lacking in some way. Then I remembered about that fling I had with someone in one of my earlier posts.

This is a story about L

Earlier this year I met new 'friends' and we had a lot of great times together. In the end it was these 'friends' which screwed Brian and me over almost putting us in a lot of trouble. Anyways, we would go out night after night to a karaoke place in KK. Almost 2 weeks in a row with no rest whatsoever. It was after the fifth day or so I was approached by a girl that worked there. She had this kind of piercing stare and a cheeky smile that was hard to resist. For some reason I was tempted to oblige her curiosity in me. We always managed to have a good time. What baffled me was that she really did not seem to be the type of girl who enjoyed working at a karaoke. I also didn't understand why someone as attractive as her would be talking to me so I asked her....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So why me?"

"Haha, I don't know. You have this kind of a presence about you. At first it was kind of intimidating but now it's just endearing. I feel like I can just be myself around you, just talk to you without being what everyone wants me to be. Plus, you're kinda cute" - L

"Haha, you're so full of shit. I would be flattered if it were true"

"See, you're being cute again" - L

"That's it. I'm ignoring you now hahaha" - Me

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We developed an unconventional friendship. One day, a customer was harassing her at work so she called to bail her out. Some rich dood thought he could 'buy' her by throwing around money so she lied and said her boyfriend (me the unsuspecting victim) was picking her up. So i showed up and took her to send her home. That was when the dood text-ed her...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're so cruel. You got me all excited and now you're leaving with your Chinese boyfriend. You really broke my heart.

"Wow, that's so funny. I mean I don't look like anything remotely resembling a Chinese guy. Why did you get him all excited anyway?" - Me

"I didn't do anything but my job. It was him who thought he was going to get lucky. It's not my fault if guys think with their boners instead of their brains" - L

"Haha, how true. Poor guy. Well anyways I'm sending you home right?" - Me

"No, let's go to your place. I don't want to go home today" - L

"Uh, you sure? You're having a nosebleed again and you're pretty wasted" - Me

*wipes nose* "I guess I overdid it again. Yeah, I'm sure" - L

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I brought her to my place. I honestly didn't expect for anything to happen (well maybe I did. I am a guy ya know). I left her to rest on the bed and was outside having a smoke when she called for me.....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"There is something I want to show you. Here, look at these photos" - L

"Wait, is that you? Who is the guy and who is the kid?" - Me

"Well, that is my husband and that would be my son" - L

"What? You're like younger than me and you're already married with a kid? Haha, you got a good lookin' kid there. If you're married then where is your family?" - Me

"My son is being taken care by my parents. My 'husband' isn't really my husband you see. It was a marriage of convenience. Our families made a business deal and we were part of it. At first I tried to be the perfect wife for him but he never bothered to care. He is in KL now with his girlfriend. We still talk though over the phone and every year we go to the family reunion as husband and wife and put on a show for everyone. They don't even know we don't love each other" - L

"Wow, that's quite sad. So why don't you just get a divorce?" - Me

"Because everything is complicated? I still got to think of my son. You might have thought why is someone like me doing a job like this right? I did apply for other jobs but I got turned down. I had to do this job to survive and that's basically what I'm doing now. Barely surviving" - L

"Yeah, life is rough. Since you told me your story I guess it's only fair I told you mine.... (and so I did)" - Me

"Wow, yours is pretty fucked up too. Seems like we're all just broken people trying to be normal again huh?" - L

"Yeah, that would be just about right haha. Just wandering aimlessly looking for god knows what" - Me

"Well, since I'm fucked up and so are you let's make use of this time. We're here, we're together. Even if for one night we're able not to feel so lonely and fucked up don't you think it's worth it? Plus, I've always wondered what you'd be like in bed hahaha" - L

"Ahaha, you tricked me into bringing you home coz you wanted to get in my pants didn't you! You're such a slut hahaha. You sure about this?" - Me

"Yeah.." - L

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Couple of hours later when she was asleep I snuck out and sat near the window with a lit cigarette and thought about how strange it was being in this unlikely situation. The sex was great but I'm pretty sure it did nothing for me as it did for her. We still hung out a couple of times over the next few weeks but eventually lost contact because we both got busy doing our own thing.

I don't know if what I write now makes any sense. It just suddenly popped up in my mind. We all have this preconceived notion of who people are and what they do and we assume who they are automatically. In the current state of the world we live in with killers, rapists, crooks, corrupt politicians, and etc we always had this phrase that kept us in our 'safety net of normalcy'. The phrase is 'These people walk among us'. Somehow in the rate of the escalating chaos that seems to be spewing all over the world why does it now seem like we are the ones walking among them. Doesn't that scare you a little?

What I'll always remember is the question she'd ask every time we met. The answer that I would give would also be the same every time.

"So did you find what you lost yet?"
"Nope, still alone as always"

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-03T23:48:00.005+08:00

I had a somewhat interesting conversation with Xephion yesterday......

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So is it a stupid thing if I know I'm doing something stupid but choose to do the stupid thing anyways even though I might get hurt in the end?" - Her

"Sometimes doing the stupid thing is necessary" - Me

"Haha, thanks. that actually made me feel so much better" - Her

"Okay, lets stop trying to talk 'intelligently' for a while and you just tell me what's up?" - Me

"Well..... it's the guy I like. I'm really falling for him now" - Her

"What you mean there is progress? That's good" - Me

"Actually no but things are good for now. I'm happy. Yup yup........" Her

".........but there is more" - Me

"Well, he treats me like I'm some kind of sex slave. We knew each other a while ago and he told me about his past and I told him all about mine and we met up and ended up sleeping together. First time was in February and the latest was in August. He even openly talks about chicks he would like to bang. Like that day he was telling me how he went out with two chicks, one from his HR dept and the other was from (I forgot). He said he'd love to bang the new girl or even have a threesome coz he banged the HR girl before" - Her

"Wait, you mean August like a month ago August? I thought he was busy being somewhere else all the time?" - Me

"He stopped by here for a while. You must thing I'm stupid huh? Girls are so stupid" - Her

"Yes girls are stupid and we men know it that's why we take advantage. Our super secret to getting laid. Prey on the vulnerable" - Me

"I guess I'll always be just a fuck buddy huh? I mean I'm not pretty or have a killer body. I do feel envious of all the girls he talks about. Even the simplest thing like him telling me to suck his dick makes me happy" - Her

"Err okay? Nah, the sex is sex. You're a person with feelings. We invented the word because it was convenient and risque. Look, I don't know exactly what to say. Maybe you shouldn't put too much expectation into it you know? You know how he is. Do it for the sex. At least you're getting laid. Just don't hope so much" - Me

"I just feel so alone. I can't even cry anymore" - Her

"I know how you feel..... Neither can I. I can't cry coz it gets old after a while. I can't feel truly happy coz I don't know what makes that happen anymore. I just feel numb and distant" - Me

"I guess you're suffering withdrawal" - Her

"Withdrawal?" - Me

"Yeah, just disconnecting yourself from everything" - Her

"I guess so. It's important to feel something you know. It's important even to cry. I guess that makes us feel we're still alive. So cry if you're sad. Ending up like me isn't a good thing. If doing this makes you happy, then hold on to it for a while just don't hold out for something more. Keep your options open coz I'm pretty sure he does too. Why commit to something that means nothing to him?" - Me

"Yea, I'll just leave it up to fate. Well if it ends I know what to do anyways so it's okay :)" - Her

"Haha, the inevitable argument. And that is?' - Me

"Just give up, as always" - Her

"Well let's try to change your perspective. Let's say when it ends you don't have to give up because there was nothing to give up in the first place, just moving on. So don't get dragged down alright?" - Me

"I guess so.... What about you?" - Her

"Me? I think I want to stay single for now. Maybe for a long long time. I dunno, sometimes I feel bad for people I see" - Me

"Why?" - Her

"Their love is always so subdued, controlled, bounded by self preservation. The hypocrisy of it disgusts me sometimes" - Me

"Well we all have our own POV right?" - Her

"Yup, mine is irrelevant anyways. We're only human. We can't act otherwise" - Me

"Well I gtg now. Chat with ya later eh? Take care love" - Her

"Yea, you take care too. Chao" - Me

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I were in her position I'd probably do the same. It wouldn't matter if it were stupid or realizing you were just being used. What matters is just feeling something else besides what eats at you everyday.

I added a song by The Streets because this was one of my old songs from my old pc which hard drive failed epicly (both hard disks fried within a space of a couple of hours). I love this song.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-10-02T11:18:00.004+08:00

"What you did only prolonged the inevitable" - Brian

Slowly but surely the signs are there. At first I thought maybe it's just my own sense of familiarity to how things were but when they play out predictably as it did, it made me think that maybe I can't escape.

I've had a draft of this post saved for 3 days now. Time to finish it.

Thursday was Ryan's birthday so Wednesday night he held a small party at his house for family and close friends only. I went late because my family (excluding my Bro) was down so I took them out to dinner. They were here since Monday but I was lazy to meet up with them and kept making excuses not to. So before they went back I thought it would be nice to just take them out to dinner. Yea I know, long way from being a model son but I can't help having a soft spot. Well while having dinner my Dad didn't talk or eat then for some reason took a walk.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Don't worry, it's not because of you. It's something else. You know how his condition affects him" - The Sister

"Why would it be because of me anyways? I mean I'm trying to make conversation with you guys. He should learn to cut the crap and grow up for god's sake" - Me

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So when we were done he was no where to be found. I walked around while my Mom and Sis waited by the car and found him. I walked up to him and told him we were leaving and he didn't say a word. His phone rang and it was my Mom looking for him. He walked past me like I wasn't even there. They didn't want to go anywhere else so I drove them back to the hotel. On the way to Ryan's house I thought about how unfair life is. My Dad was never around for us. When he was around all he ever did was be abusive and treated my Mom like crap. Now when we're finally old enough to put him in his place he gets a free pass. Why?

Over the years he developed what's known as bipolar disease. So no matter how angry he makes us, we all have to swallow our rage and just ignore his outbursts. Fucking asshole.

You know it's funny, over the years whenever my brother and me have a fight somehow the phrase "you're becoming just like him" manages to get thrown around. Him being my father. It scares me sometimes. I never want to be that man. Maybe by some sort of miracle I could have a family to call my own but I don't want history to repeat itself. I want to love my wife and never hurt her intentionally. I want to love my kids and be a good father to them.

If not, I rather be alone.

*UPDATED* I was brushing my teeth and a piece of my tooth fell out. I seriously thought it was a plastic piece from my toothbrush or something. Luckily it's the back half of my tooth. EEEE SA TIDA MAU GIGI RUMPANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *gives teeth calcium bath*

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-09-30T19:00:00.004+08:00

I'm kind of having second thoughts.

These three months I've practically been a ghost. Not meeting any acquaintances, friends, or anyone outside of my best friends. I only started returning calls or messages like 2 weeks ago and going out with other people again but somehow I've got a feeling like some things are never going to change. I mean it's only last week I finally got back to normal and already got 'shot' by someone. Time is supposed to heal and change things but everything else seems to be the way I left it.

RBC and I were having another conversation about his chick and I got a little pissed because it seemed like he kept coming back to me for answers. I kind of shot him down and told him that he needs to figure things out on his own because he is an adult now and he can handle it.

He said he was scared and it feels like slowly she is doing what I did by pushing him away. She is just feeling lonely and needs him there for her. So go, be with her. He knows what she is going through. Sometimes it's just hard going through it alone. He gave her the ultimatum on Saturday to be there for him and she did. It works both ways. He just has to figure out that behind all the ridiculous arguments she is just scared and lonely and in love. We all turn to the people we love when we feel that way. The simplest things often are the answers to what may seem like a complicated situation.

I don't mean anything by this but please refrain from ever comparing what I went through to whatever you may or may not go through. From having nothing to being blessed with something so amazing, I had to give it up to ensure she got the future she deserved. Even if it was at my expense. If anyone ever told me they were contemplating such a similar choice I would tell them in a heart beat to never make it. It's not because I regret it but the consequence of living with it is like a cigarette burn that never fizzles out. It hurts and it sears and will never go away.

I don't know, maybe since I'm out of it I kinda like staying out of relationship issues. I've no intention of being rude and I know that it's nice having someone listen to your problems but you can't look for me every time you need me to tell you what you need to hear. You all have the knowledge and the instinct to figure it out. I know emotion overwhelms each and every one of us but when that happens just take a step back and it'll come to you.

Being the 'listener' isn't all it's cracked up to be either. Have you ever thought about who listens to the listener? That's right, no one. Over the years people come and need someone to listen. So i sit and listen and try to help them however I can and when they are all better they leave. When I try talking, all they do is just go "well anyways...." and that would be the end of it.

Now I'm not saying I don't like listening. I'm just saying I can't always be there for everyone all the time anymore. It felt like I was being used and dumped and I don't want to feel that way any longer. RBC said that he thought since I said I was back to being myself that everything would go back to the way it was. I won't do a 360 and change completely but some things do need to change.

There is a lot of things going on that I still have left to figure out and college is also starting next week. I really don't know if I can handle it when I continue the life I put on hold only for it to be exactly where I left it.

I left it behind for a reason. It was unbearable.

Till next time

Ki//joy

2008-09-30T14:26:00.003+08:00

Fight Club

"The things you own, they end up owning you"

"Reject the basic assumption of civilization, especially the importance of material possessions!"

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything"

"A condom is the glass slipper of our generation. You slip one on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night. Then, you throw it away … the condom, I mean, not the stranger"

and my personal favourite...

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world"

Till next time

Ki//joy

2008-09-29T09:32:00.015+08:00

So..........

Saturday was fun. From just the four of us it grew and grew and grew and I met some really old friends and even a relative.

So was I wasted? Well kinda. I was actually very sick and hadn't had a bite to eat the whole day. I thought we were going for dinner but we skipped that part and went straight to the drinking. The whole night I had to force myself to drink and when I couldn't anymore I went to the restroom to puke it all back out and continue. Sure it made me even more sick but I couldn't deny my friends the satisfaction of getting wasted right?

It was supposed to be a guys night out but that changed. First, RBC's chick came by and I'm pretty sure they had a good time. Then Brian disappeared to meet up with his chick. Then at the end Ryan's chick came by after she was done with her friends' celebration at BarSu and BED. It was weird that so many people had their birthday's that weekend. Calvin dropped by too.

Me?

Oh, flying solo as usual. Luckily a friend was there too and funnily enough she seemed to be spending more time with me than her date. We ended up just flirting, joking, talking the whole time.

24 hours of perfection and the last 9 minutes were the best.

In those 9 minutes when everyone was preoccupied I left Shen and walked to the Waterfront nearby and just stood there thinking with a lit ciggie. I was having a good time with everyone and sure I was a little peeved that everyone else had someone to share it with.

But it didn't matter. For once I was actually glad to be alone.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You always had the opportunity to move on and find some sort of happiness again but you sendiri don't want to. I mean not like there has been a shortage of chicks in KK. You always see the one you like around and we all know you want to go for her, but you don't. Even the chicks we introduce to you and you're not interested. You and your principles la tu always getting in the way." - Brian

"Okay, why does everyone keep saying that to me? What makes you think I have any principles? Common lah, you also know the things we do. Are there any principles involved in it? Not a damn one. I do know what is right or wrong but the fact is it doesn't matter anyways. Everything is a grey area and each day it's getting bigger and bigger and anything defined in the grey area is starting to become a huge joke. I mean look at the situation we see everyday. A girl would gladly give up her body and mind for a guy who lies and cheats because of 'love'. What they never know is that those guys will keep juggling and fucking around till they get bored and settle down. Look at Max, he has been with his chick longer than any of us and he always goes out of his way to see her but fucks around every chance he gets. He even confessed that one day when he gets bored of it he'll find a real nice girl to settle down with. She stays quiet and submissive because she loves him and doesn't even know that she was always disposable. The convenience of it is just amazing. That has become the norm now. It's just so easy for them to do whatever they want to whom ever they want and still get a 'get out of jail free' card and get to have a good life. The 'system' has always been flawed but does anyone really care? No. Whats the point in trying if guys like that always win and guys like me always lose." - Me

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I always get what I want but I just don't exactly see the point. Sure it'll be fun but I just have a gut feeling that it's going to head down the same road. If so I rather not know and let her be a pretty face that I know nothing about. Yea, plenty of pretty faces around but behind those faces are always the typical crap you find somewhere else. Am I stereotyping everyone? If you do it why should I refrain from it? Am I saying I'm better than everyone? Nope, I'm not. I'm full of shit, you're full of shit, everyone is full of shit and isn't that exactly the problem? We did this, all of us. I can't pull myself out of the picture and not hold any accountability of creating the reality of society's evolution. I am to blame because like all of you I fed it too. So what can I do about it? Nothing. We just keep playing the game, feeding it's incessant need for drama, tragedy, stupidity all for the sake of having some sort of self accomplishment.

You know that girl I was hanging out with at Shen? She said something interesting...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So what happened to your boyfriend in NZ. I thought you guys were supposed to wait for each other or something like that? What are you doing with this guy?" - Me

"Oh, we broke up coz he thought it was going to be hard and decided if and when he returns and if there is still something there we will get back together. Well, in short he is a playboy and he wants to fool around." - LM

"Hahaha, so you left a playboy for another? This guy doesn't exactly have the best track record with being faithful you know?" - Me

"Aren't you the same?" - LM

"What do you mean?" - Me

"You're a playboy too. Everyone says you are. Ask anyone." - LM

"Wow, okay. Nevermind then. Have fun" - Me

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last year a lecturer I respected called me a gigolo. Basically she said I'm the kind of guy who would fuck around and take no responsibility and she wasn't saying it jokingly either. When I heard it I was kinda going like "where the fuck did that come from?"

Ui, whatever la. I'm tired of defending myself. Think what you will. Kiss my ass or go fuck yourselves. Yes, I am letting it get to me now and if you are wondering if I am pissed off right now just make a fuckin' guess.

I said I was back. I didn't say I was gonna be the same person. If you don't like what I changed into just realize that it was you who made me into this. Every single one of you.

Till next time

Ki//joy

2008-09-27T04:19:00.005+08:00

Happy Birthday To Ah Pao, Calvin, Eliza, Russel and Me :)

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? - Satchel Page

One year ago I turned 23.

23 turned out to be the worst year of my life.

Guess what?

It's finally over and I can breathe again. I can smile again, knowing that it's because I am happy.

Never thought I would be able to say it or feel like this again.

Yesterday I was pretty disappointed that my birthday wasn't going to be as good as I imagined. I kept looking at the watch thinking that in just a few hours I'm going to be older and this was gonna be another false start towards moving forward. It didn't help when I was sending Ryan's chick home that she asked "so apalah you plan tonite?" and I had to just say nothing was going on coz the plan broke apart so I'll just sit and do nothing like I always did. I wasn't after that when I was with Brian and his chick and we were just driving around KK murdering songs that were playing on the radio that I realized that everything was alright. Even though it didn't go as I planned but I got my wish after all...........

I wasn't alone on my birthday, I was with good friends having a good time and I was happy. So whatever may happen tonight I'm just glad that for the first time in a while I was actually having a Happy Birthday.

Till next time

Ki//joy

2008-09-26T09:23:00.007+08:00

Single Again But With More Experience

Yeah, apparently Ryan didn't get the memo.

Thanks dood. First gift for the birthday that I didn't have to buy for myself.

So if you see a guy wearing that shirt Saturday night it would most probably be me.

Added a couple more songs. Stay Away had probably been in my phone alongside Yellow the longest.

*UPDATE 1* I also added Erase/Rewind coz I love The Cardigans. When I was younger I had a crush on Nina Persson.

*UPDATE 2* The Birthday is officially over. I told you guys suda kan there was a jinx that makes it the worst day of the year and you guys still wanted to have it. I let you build up my interest and now that I am really looking forward to it this happens. Everything was coming together so nicely. Natalie was even gonna come down. The 4 of us again back together like the old days. I don't blame any of you nor am I disappointed. Just wish I wasn't so looking forward to it.

So no contingencies, no belated's, nothing. Just do what I originally asked. Act like my birthday doesn't exist.

Till next time

Ki//joy

2008-09-25T12:15:00.004+08:00

You think you're better alone
For the sake of your sanity
It won't resolve
If you just learn to breathe, again
You never had the nerve to begin with
You think you're better alone
- Carolina Liar

So I was blog stalking and since so many seem to have this topic and it's been a while since I appreciated anything so I'll do it as well.

I'm thankful for my friends. It's been a really rough couple of months but even though they both have been dealing with their own problems too, they still stuck around to try and pull me out every time I almost sunk deeper. These guys are my family.

I'm thankful that I'm still alive. I'm thankful that I didn't cave in to my own sorrow and give up. At least I know that I still have some strength to go on and hopefully find what I have lost.

I'm thankful for going through what I have experienced so far. Sure, it's been a really wild roller coaster ride but hopefully it's made me just a little bit stronger and just a little bit wiser in dealing with what comes next.

Lastly, I'm thankful for having experienced true love. While tragic everything from the beginning to the end was perfection.

Some people might think I lead an exciting life but in all honestly I'm actually a very boring guy but I like being boring. Well, I do like the other parts too but I used to think that without someone to share it with, it all meant nothing. That was only half right. I'm actually good on my own. I love watching movies. I watch everything from Hollywood to Norwegian, German, French, Mongolian, Japanese, Korean, to British. In the past 3 months alone I've probably watched in excess of 50+ movies. I love my music. Music will and always be an important part of my life. I'm such a perfectionist at it that I edit music tracks on my iTunes just to get even the spelling right.

2796 songs, 7.7 days long, 15.52gb of music and I still feel it's too little.

So what now?

In 2 weeks classes will be starting and I won't be the scourge of the college no more. I'm done with tormenting lecturers. I just want to go back, get everything done and get out and work. The popularity game also isn't as appealing to me anymore. I guess I'm done wearing masks and being someone I'm not. Time to just be myself and if you don't like it you can go fuck yourself.

In this time of clarity I realized that I can't go into a new relationship at the moment. Rushing blindly into something new hoping it's gonna work out will never be the answer. So I'm just going to take my time and focus on myself for a change.

"So what about her?"

There is nothing more that I want than to finally talk to you and tell how that you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in a long while and sweep you off your feet but while Facebook-ing I saw that you were happy as you are. I don't think that a guy like me would ever fit well in your life or anyone else's. I know this might seem like a naive explanation but being the person who loves you more than anything in the world isn't enough anymore. Everyone needs something else. So in the end I realized that you would probably never be happy. So this will be the last time I talk and hold on to a meaningless hope.

And now for the final part of my greatest love story..........

"So when this ends and I have a new guy and you have someone how will that work? Will we compare? - TF

"I think it would be impossible to even try. What we have right now and will always have is something that most people try and find their whole life. We were lucky enough to find it on our first try." - Me

"I would never try and compare though. Everything new is always different. So why bother right?" - TF

"Yeah. It wouldn't be fair to them." - Me

"This is really happening isn't it. I don't know if I'm strong enough to let go." - TF

"Yeah it is..... This will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but you are a strong person. You will survive this. I told you before, I could never leave you. The only way is for you to leave me and move on." - Me

"I'm really going to miss you. I will never forget you. I love you" - TF

"I love you too" - Me

The split was always amicable. It was the letting go that was the hardest part.

Till next time

Ki//joy

2008-09-25T09:48:00.002+08:00

Monday

I was on a roll. I swear I was feeling so good I almost burst into a song and dance routine. Well anyways Ryan and Brian were supposed to bring me out for my first day of 'birthday week' initiation but we ended up just going to Damai to DOTA. There I met with RBC and since I'm lazy to write paragraphs I'll just write the conversation down. Don't like it? Sue me......

"Guess what" - RBC

"What?" - Me

"I just broke up" - RBC

"That was fast. Like WTF. What happened? Was it the marriage thing again?" - Me

"Well a couple of things you told me the other day were true but actually we met up just to talk. I was saying how sometimes I need a little space and she couldn't let it go. So I was saying if she couldn't deal with it maybe it was for the best we break up. In the process of talking I got hungry and she offered to buy me dinner so we went to Pizza Hut. It was after that that we broke up." - RBC

"So she bought you dinner then broke up with you? Cool juga. Well if it happened that way then there should be more to the problem than you think" - Me

"I think so too. I mean there is always something that she wanted to talk about but never did. It frustrates me. Why do chicks always gotta make it complicated" - RBC

"Yeah, M had that too. Always some kind of big problem that she had but couldn't tell. I was listening but she was never talking so yeah, we all know how that went. You should have dug deeper no matter how ugly it could get. The problem with chicks is that they are not complicated, they just like to think they are." - Me

"Yeah, always with the mind fucking." - RBC

"Well you do know the rule right?" - Me

"What rule?" - RBC

"Since she broke up with you, she is the one who has the say on whether you guys should get back together. So leave her be. Don't call her. Let her think about things. If she wants to get back together she will. Calling her will just make it worse. Fuck, I'm out of cigs. Lets take a walk to 711" - Me

On the way there he still called her to talk things over.

"Dood, what the fuck did I just tell you. Weren't you even listening?" - Me

"Err well, I suggested the break up bah so it should be okay to talk to her. I mean not like we didn't break up before juga." - RBC

"Huh, you guys broke up before?" - Me

"Yeah, it was over something stupid also" - RBC

"Budu o you. You're the one who wanted space anyways right? Breaking up is never a good thing especially for chicks. What I notice is that after every break up they don't really commit as much sudah so throwing around the word 'break up' is bad mojo. Use it when you really going to break up sajalah. Tulah, you suggested lagi I find someone with no past. The problem with that is you have to teach them EVERYTHING." - Me

"Hehe, she learns quick juga bah" - RBC

"Dood, I'm not talking just about the sex. Pervert o kau haha. I mean the rest bah. The problem with first timers is they don't know anything at all. You got to go through the motions with them, the good stuff AND the bad stuff then they will really understand what it takes." - Me

"Yeah, I guess so......" - RBC

"Bah pandai2 la kau. I'm sure things will work out anyways." - Me

After that we continued DOTAing for a while then went back home where I had my marathon of TV serials.

Till next time

Ki//joy

2008-09-24T17:22:00.004+08:00

Eh malas lah want to blog.....

Had a marathon of Heroes, One Tree Hill, Prison Break, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, and Gossip Girl and I still haven't slept since yesterday.

I added two new songs by Carolina Liar. The first one is I'm Not Over, for that girl I'll never have but can't seem to shake off my mind and the second is Coming To Terms which basically spells out everything that is going wrong with the "dating game". Both songs are good but I wanted to add a different one called Better Alone but they don't have it.

Fuck you Playlist. You crampin' my style.

Probably made a mistake and ruined the 'bigger picture' but I don't really have faith in making plans anymore. Never was the kinda guy who broke people up and I'm not gonna start now since she looked happy. Blergh. Okay, that sounded very vague and suspicious but let's just say I'm not in the mood to be playing puppeteer anymore and it's unrelated to anyone who might think it's you so don't perasan.

Well except for Friday and Saturday. I know it's my birthday but you guys yang wanna celebrate it so why ask me to plan it? I never celebrated it before and I dunno what to do laaaaaaaaaaaaaah.........

I don't really know what I'm talking about right now. Word vomit syndrome stemming from sleep deprivation kali. I wanna go pass out now.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

2008-09-23T07:14:00.002+08:00

I'm back.

I'm me again.

It's weird how it happened.

Two nights ago I was all alone so I decided to go to a place I hadn't in a long time, the playground here in Phase 2. I used to always come here and just sit on the swing in the middle of the night. It's always so nice and quiet and I'd imagine being a kid again and just swing away.

Then everything disappeared. No more worrying, no more sadness, no more self pity.

About fuckin god damned time too.

Blogging will have to wait. I got a good story but I'm too tired to write or think. Right now the words are running through my mind but my fingers aren't responding fast enough.

Till next time

Ki//joy

2008-09-21T05:47:00.010+08:00

If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone

I added a song called Dig by Incubus as it's a great song and I feel like celebrating my friends and how they always stand by me. Love Hurts because it seems to be the perfect song that describes how I feel right now and drinking to youth seems like a good reason to celebrate the birthday on this coming Saturday. If I can't get out of it, might as well enjoy it.

The closer I get to my birthday, the more 'revelations' seem to happen in the most unexpected ways. Friday I went out and couldn't seem to enjoy myself. I wasn't in the mood to drink but forced myself anyways. After a while I went out to see what was wrong with Brian and we had a short conversation naturally skipping the irrelevant parts..........

"Honestly, I'm trying my best to enjoy myself here but I can't. I've been thinking for a while now and I don't know what's wrong with me and why I'm like this. It's so fucking frustrating" - Me

"Maybe you just need change. Go out more, live your life. You've been holed up long enough. Time to get out" - Brian

"If I really could, I just want to go somewhere and disappear for a while. Just be completely alone" - Me

"Ooooooooohhhhh, I know what you mean sudah. You want me to move out ni kan?!? Hahahaa! - Brian

"Haha palui. Manada. I just mean I would like a change of scenery. Not you move out budu!" - Me

Then we went back in and the rest of the night just got weirder. In a nut shell, Ryan and I almost got in a fight, Brian wanted to get in a fight with a chick coz she was being paranoid and rude, we learned a friend got admitted into Hospital Mesra (Bukit Padang) coz she took too much anti-depressants and got all psycho and shit, a hot drunk chick in her nightie was telling us a funny story and basically kept flashing us all the time, when I got home I deleted my Friendster and Facebook, and I wanted to kill myself coz I was high but didn't coz the knife wasn't sharp enough and I thought digging deep to make a cut was gonna hurt too much. Yeah, Brian and me got a good laugh out of it.

Yeah, after waking up the next day I made a WTF face and thought what a bad idea it was trying to do what I did. I mean no matter how depressed I was why I even thought of doing that was just stupid. Stupid emo mood swings. I'm like such a chick.

Last night (or maybe this morning) I had a chat with RBC on Facebook. Well, if his stupid MSN was working we could chat there but it wasn't so we had to use the stupid Facebook chat while I was playing D&D Tiny Adventures and watching Speed Racer at the same time. Basically it was about me and the same thing again. Earlier in the day another old friend found out what happened and gave the same usual response. I can't really remember most of it (coz I'm sleepy and it's 6 in the morning) but I'll just post what I do remember

"Your blog can be a novel. You know one of those chick flicks that gets girls teary eyed. You should totally write man" - RBC

"Oh yea? Hahaha, one of my ex (H) read it and said the same thing too. She said I should write a book. I know the difference between professional and amateurish and mine ranks closer to crap so yeah I don't think so" - Me

"People get paid and laid for this shit man. I can already imagine your alias *proceeds to give few crappy examples*" - RBC

"Yeah, I know but it's just not me" - Me

"Probably would be hard to write down all the painful stuff eh?" - RBC

"Err, yeah? Why do you think I'm anonymous? Like helloooo, don't want to be recognized" - Me

"I know what. You need to get laid. There is still a man in there somewhere" - RBC

"Uh, I did try that before ya know. Didn't work. (starts thinking to myself why everyone keeps suggesting that). Maybe I'm just beyond that point already" - Me

"Dude, what's your problem actually? - RBC

"That's just it. I don't know" - Me

"You still hung up on M is it?" RBC

"Nah, I'm not. It's just that I told her everything about me you know? My 'dark' past and even about my ex getting married and she still chose to end it that way. I mean if a decent person is capable of doing that what if I get a bad one? I can't even hate her. I was angry for a while but I couldn't hate her. She even used my past against me saying I still loved my ex when clearly I got over my ex for her." - Me

"Dude, if she knew bout your ex then it's pretty fucked up if she still did that to you. So what happened actually? Did you guys break up immediately or talked about it" - RBC (he didn't even know we broke up until the person I revealed myself to asked him about me)

"Well, basically it was a very long convo. First time I actually got angry at a chick and went at her. I spelt everything out for her, what she could expect from him. I mean he cheated on her, treated her like shit. To make up for it, all he had to say was just a few words of apology to make up for the months of pain she had to endure and she said this to me 'If you love someone you accept them for who they are'. It wasn't like she didn't think about the choice she was about to make and what it would do to me. She did and still knowingly dropped me like a rock. In the end all she had to say was she never loved me, she was just with me coz she pitied me for what I went thru. That was the end of it. I didn't even know what to say after that. One conversation was all it took for me to give up and feel completely worthless." - Me

"She sounds like a holy chick or something hahaha. You should totally hate her man. I mean she used and lied to you. She never loved you? That bullshit man, who says that?" - RBC

"Lied, cheated but who is counting right. I'm pretty sure she had feelings for me but I also dunnolah what happened. The thing is kan, it was hard enough letting go of someone loved who clearly loved me back and let her get married. After that, I could still enjoy myself just not as much. That was just the relationship aspect of the bigger picture. With everything fucked up that had been going on, I just wanted to be with someone who'd be there for me as I would for her. She didn't. She left and took whatever hope I had left that everything would be okay with her and since then I'm trying to figure out how to get back to the guy I used to be. I just don't know where he is. That's probably the reason why I'm not going for Kim or anyone. I just can't do it." - Me

"Huh, why not? Go for it labah. You don't have to commit 100% to it jugabah. Just play the field I'm pretty sure she would too. Dude, it's gonna be okay. I understand if you need time for yourself just don't take too long. Come out with me lah 2moro at least you won't feel alone" - RBC

"Ehh, I can watch the match where I am jugabah. I have been going out, still don't fix whatever is wrong with me. See how lah" - Me

After that chat I realized that it was never about the girl, but the choice. I'm afraid of it. I'm scared of being in a position where I have to make the hard choice again or be helpless as another makes a choice that decides my fate. It's hard taking chances again so in a way that's why I've been 'playing it safe' by hiding out and being alone. The only way to overcome this is to take another chance but how can I after everything that has happened. This was supposed to be my year, my time to bounce back. Instead I sunk lower.

Shit, it's almost 8am and I am so bloody sleepy. I don't even know if what I typed was right. Just hantam saja to get it done. Oh well.

This is one of those times where I hope someone will post a comment and just provide a little insight.

Till next time

Ki//joy

2008-09-19T04:06:00.002+08:00

Ooooooooookkkkkkkkaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...........................

A little too soon for my next post but I'm really hating Facebook right now and I wanna get this out of my system.

WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW EVERYONE O. CHEEEEEBYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE.

Yeah, I know. I'm over reacting. But it's like so annoying bah. Why does this one know this person then, eh wait, this person also knows this and this and this and even THIS?!?!

O LIN.

Also I feel old.

So you know how I said I'm not into religion and all that "God" stuff. Well that never stopped me from going to religious places when I'm bored and no, I was never disrespectful. Curious but never disrespectful. It's nice to know about things ya know? So a couple of years back right, When I was friends with the "old guard" (look back to my older post for that info) I used to go to church with them. I used to tell them "Hey, for the chicks bah" but honestly I was just bored. Okay, continuing with the story, I hang out with them and their church group and made friends with kids. I even made it into the church play (don't ask me how, I'm still puzzled and apparently playing the part of a bastard boss came natural to me). The kids would come around to our neighborhood and we'd play basketball and do other stuff. Yes, I am emphasizing the word kids.

A few minutes ago while browsing random photo's and whatnot I came across the "kids" accounts and was literally wide eyed looking at how they've grown. From religious pretentious honest little kids to grown up, club rockin' adolescents that I never came across and apparently know people I know (including the girl I like). 2 weeks ago a met another one who from a whiny little girl transformed completely into a hot chick. No, I'm not being a pedo just stating the obvious. This week, I bumped into a kid I knew from Brian's ex employer and I was literally stunned at how he had grown. From an awkward little kid he is shaping up to break a lot of hearts when he grows up. We corrupted him nicely indeed.

Holy shit I feel old and I'm only gonna be 24.

In something related, earlier this year we had one of those obligatory visits from Koreans claiming to spread the word of God. They were from the Church of God. So Brian googled it and found the history of the church. Apparently they were into orgies (yeah no kidding) so he got all excited and asked me to go with him. In the end we both got baptized and I even have a Korean name. While eagerly awaiting the moment when we could have the initiation orgy, he realized something. The results were actually for Children of God not Church of God.

"I took one for the team and got baptized even when I'm not into the whole being religious thing and YOU GOOGLED IT WRONG?!?!?" - Me

Let's just say we never went back.

And yeah, we are so going to hell.

Till next time

Ki//joy

2008-09-19T01:42:00.002+08:00

Past couple of days has been really weird. I've kinda been under some sort of stress, but I don't know what triggered it. To top it off I'm having a fucking migraine that doesn't seem to go away no matter how many pills I pop. Maybe it's because I chickened out last night. Even though the internet is disturbingly helpful, I was supposed to go chill out la kunun at a place where I knew the girl I like was gonna be. I don't even know why I chickened out. Maybe I should just give up eh?

It seems that no matter how much I don't want to celebrate my birthday, I kept getting asked "What's the matter o? We're supposed to get you wasted".......

<_<

>_>

0_0

........That is exactly the problem.

Yeah, I know. I haven't exactly been very honest. The reason being is because I've been getting a lot of people wasted and now when it's my turn I wanna cheat and have a free pass.

Teruk kan?

I know Ryan and Brian are not going to show me any mercy. I'm always able to pujuk them that I've had enough when I actually can go more. Few times suda this past week when they have contemplated on how to go about fucking me up and it's honestly scaring the shit out of me.

And that's only 2 people.

Belum lagi kira the rest that have been waiting for this day to come. I know RBC has been waiting since the March 29th incident at Novus to get back at me. Okay, a little short story to fill you in on what happened there......

Novus, March 29th 2008

It was a classmate's birthday. She had been trying to get me to go out with them for a while but something always came up so she told me like 2 weeks in advance that I couldn't miss her birthday or I'll be castrated. So me being bored at the time and had nothing else to look forward to agreed.

I really really REALLY regret it. Epic night but I still regret the mental trauma from it.

When that night came around me and Brian was late (Yeah, I brought him along thinking he would be my 'filter'. I was wrong). So I had to drop him off first then go pick up my cuz Max but when I came back they actually managed to drink like 7 glasses of beer, all of which was 'one go'. I only left for 15 mins. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention something else. The birthday girl pulled me aside before everything began and told me "I want you to get RBC so bloody drunk today since he always says he never ever gets drunk no matter how much he drinks. So I got you 15 towers of beer, a couple bottles of whisky, and 3 bottles of tequila. You think cukup kah tu, and that's for the 6 of you saja. The rest of us won't drink much"

It was like the angels were singing in heaven at that very moment. I was grinning ear to ear.

So before leaving I told them to try their best before I got back. It was easy because I knew exactly what his weakness was = he can't drink fast. What I didn't expect was Brian being an ass and was busy getting everyone (including himself) wasted. When I got back another friend was already half way into his own drunken world. So being the one who was entrusted with the birthday girl's wish, I took it upon myself to pick up the gauntlet and go toe-to-toe with RBC.

After 3 hours, 6 people (including me), emptied the last drop of beer from the 15th tower. A few of us started to have too much and pandai menghilang sudah. He, was still fine.

After the 4th hour passed, the whiskies were flying here and there and more vanished. I had to go hunt them down and bring them back to carry on fighting the good fight. He, was high but not nearly the acceptable level of drunkenness she demanded.

And then there were 5 (me, Brian, RBC, another friend, and the birthday girl) and the 3 magical bottles of tequila's.

I told the birthday girl that he still wasn't budging and we needed the tequila's to seal the deal. In 15 minutes we managed to finish all 3. Shot after shot after shot and finally he puked to our delight. We were pretty much completely fucked out of our minds so we celebrated with more shots.

It took over 4 hours, 15 towers of beer, couple bottles of whisky, and 3 bottles of tequila to get him drunk.

Then came the effects.....

Everyone was pretty much fucked. Brian puked multiple times all over the place. Another guy puked and went home immediately coz he couldn't stand it anymore after literally begging to be let go. Me? Oh I was fine........

Like hell I was.

I have never ever drank so much alcohol in my entire life. I was super high, still able to walk and think somewhat clearly. We all eventually dispersed and Me, Brian, and my cuz Max was supposed to head to Razz to meet up with his friends. We dropped him off and told him we'd be right back but we never came back. That was the last thing I remember.

The next morning, I woke up on the floor next to the bed (which is a pretty small space for anyone to fit in) with a lil puke on my shirt and the rest no where to be found. Brian skipped work that day and around noon after he puked again we sat down and discussed what happened. Apparently, I was karaoke-ing in the car on the way home and he doesn't remember anything else. We still had a little buzz at the time and it's a surprise that we didn't get alcohol poisoning.

Everyone acknowledged it was an epic night. No one ever wanted to do it again.

Back to present day........

So yeah, since that day I haven't been able to drink as much anymore. Tequila, or anything with tequila in it till this day makes me cringe. From being my guilty pleasure, it has upgraded itself to being my kryptonite. That is why the other day at D'Junction even drinking one shot was a problem for me. I really can't stand it anymore. So if my birthday really happens, matilah sa.

RBC said this at D'Junction last week with an evil grin on his face.........

"You know I've never actually seen you get completely drunk? The only time when you were wasted pun was when you didn't eat before or for the whole day. I'm so looking forward to your birthday"

Maybe now is a good time to get in shape again and start praying. I am so fucked.

Till next time

Ki//joy

2008-09-17T05:31:00.003+08:00

"Grief is like the ocean; It's deep, dark and bigger than all of us. Pain is like a thief in the night; quiet, persistent, unfair. Diminished by time, and fate and most of all love"

Till next time

Ki//joy

2008-09-16T19:00:00.004+08:00

I watch the screen.

Every time I want to type something I light up a cigarette instead.

And watch the screen again in the dark.

Being the one who watches is both a blessing and a curse. For the former because I get to witness the most amazing things that people take for granted. The latter however is a little heartbreaking as watching something fall apart without doing anything is hard. I don't interfere as sometimes the natural order of things is simply to end.

Sometimes though I can't help but interfere. Watching relationships and good things fall apart too often makes me cringe every time a new one is about to. So I try as subtle as possible to try and inject new life into their hope so they can carry on. One thing I do know is that people don't like when their own private affairs are interfered with by someone else. What they don't know is that sometimes when you can't get yourself back up, you need someone there to pick you up and dust you off so you can carry on. At least that is what I try to do.

Yesterday I did the obligatory 'tiang lampu' thing with one of my best friend. Watching them together again after quite some time made me both happy and sad. It's nice to see the subtlety in their love, needlessly unspoken at times with only simple words, looks, touches to reaffirm it every single time. The 'problem' came when I realised after the time apart they never changed. He was still too stubborn to say what he really wanted and she still too dense to realize that she needed to grow up and stop relying on the comfort of her childhood. This love was neither alive nor dying. It was just there in limbo. After being almost together for almost 3 years they were still stuck in the "sneaking around" phase of the relationship. I asked them once about it and they said I was just imagining it as all of their friends knows about it. Not once have I ever seen them going out and acting like a real couple. Not one time. I could never understand how they could be content with being stuck like that.

So occasionally I say something in some sort of twisted hope that they will snap out of the funk they don't even know they're in. I say to him what she wants to but could never and vice versa. If I don't, they will never learn to say it themselves as so clearly demonstrated by the position they have been in for the past 2 and a half years. Still no matter how much I try to help they never seem to grow and learn from their own unyielding agendas. She is still stubborn and unwavering and does the same selfish thing more than often and he seems content to throw a tantrum only to kiss and make up hours later without solving the actual problem. They have broken up and every time they get back together the usual response would be "she has changed" only for me to be the only one to see that love blinds them from actually knowing what it takes to nurture and grow the relationship into something healthy.

You might think that my view has been kind of biased towards the male perspective but if I truly did not care for their relationship I could have easily broke them apart as I have been trying to 'fix' them. I am trying to be sympathetic. I am trying to help but there is only so much I can do until the both of them finally open their eyes and realize that the relationship is not heading the right direction.

Maybe I'm doing this because he is my best friend and I only want what is best for him. He would do the same for me as he has been trying to help me so far. I do appreciate his efforts but I'm beyond repair. Maybe I should have heeded his advice when he told me not to love someone too much or I'll sink but that is the only way I know how. I don't have it in me to hold back. I'm trying to help him because I want to continue to see the people around me happy. I want them to stay happy for as long as they can. If I can't help myself, I might as well help others.

So what happened to the birthday? Truth is I want a birthday. I want to celebrate and be the centre of attention for once. I want to be happy even for a day because I have been unhappy for so many already but every thing seems to be falling apart. All the plans made just seem to vapourise due to time, financial, and personal issues so I decided not to celebrate mine. We'll just celebrate Ryan's the following week and have a good time then.

Not like it meant anything anyways right?

So go and be happy with the people you love. I'll be fine right here watching the screen again.

Alone.

Till next time

Ki//joy

2008-09-15T23:32:00.001+08:00

Well looks like I don't need a reason to celebrate the birthday anymore.

It's off.

I knew it was too good too be true.

Till next time

Ki//joy