Irreparable Damage

I wish i could just rip theses stiches out and bleed to death slowly.

it certainly feels like it.

Ki//joy

May 4th 2009

That the last post i made here.

I just woke up and decided to visit, to see the past. Why I don't know. Maybe it's to remember, to remind myself of what i have done or rather what i never did enough of.

A lot of time has passed. I would think it's a mixture of time moving too fast and also moving too slow at the same time.

Truth is i believe I'm at the happiest moment of my life. It's hard to imagine that this was possible but it is and for that I am thankful.

But..

I'm also at the scariest moment because when things are this real, this concrete the future is what matters. I wish i was like those people who had plans for the future they had ideas and knew how to get there. It's hard being that because nothing is predictable.

I'm going to leave it at this as time is not on my side but soon there will be more.

I would think it's about damn time don't you?

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

I'm using up my Third Strike.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

My Words

Somehow somewhere along the line I lost the urge to use my words the way I always do. I can't speak them and more importantly I can't write them down. Whether it is here in my blog or in the work I have yet to start on (all 7 of them) which have been due last week.

The inspiration has always been there but whenever I hold a pen or sit here with my fingers touching the keys I can't seem to start and not stop until I'm done. Even now I'm having so much difficulty writing a whole sentence. That's also the reason why I deleted my last post. The truth is there wasn't one. I just couldn't do it.

I don't know what happened. They just stopped flowing through my head.

Right now I'm doing this to try and re-inspire myself to go for as long as I can and keep typing the words till they start flowing again but with every finished sentence I have to sit and think hard about what to write next.

I guess I just can't do it anymore.

The words just don't mean anything to me anymore. Even words that aren't personal.

I always find a way to fix anything "broken", in me or in someone else. There was always a solution, another perspective not previously thought of that I caught on and build upon but this time I just don't see it. I just don't know what is the solution to this. If I don't find one soon I'll probably flunk out of college and end up with nothing again. I know what you're thinking, writer's block. This isn't writer's block.

This is something else entirely.

I guess it has something to do with how the general perception of who I am seemed to escalate rapidly and whenever I try to defend or "repair" it just gets shrugged aside. Since then I just stopped caring about what I was to anyone anymore. I still remember who I am though. As hard as it is to just be myself sometimes I realized that no matter what I turn into I will always know what I won't give up. Even if it's reduced to just an inch of my being.

A good heart is what I have she said.

What use is a good heart if it can't feel anything.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

One track
Got you on your back
Your skin speaks up but you lips couldn't say it
Right now I know somehow
We could take the chance and we could make it make it
Right here make it all disappear
Everything that we've been missing missing
You make me feel
Like there's a part of me
That I want to get back again

;)

This is the last post for a while.

I typed a whole bunch of shit but it doesn't matter anyways.

So yeah, fuck that.

Ki//joy

I'll post the last post soon.

10th August 2009 Fort Canning Singapore

Nine Inch Nails

This is one show I won't miss for anything in the world.

After all it could very well be the last one after Trent Reznor announced they are going on "hiatus"

We all know what that means.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy

Really lazy to blog.

Wanted to make a topic about honesty to somewhat purge this "thing" I've been lugging around pun malas.

Enjoy these songs instead.

Till Next Time

Ki//joy